Posts by Maht33n

Maht33n

Mar 27, 2012

Scholarship / 'to finish the iron man' - scholarship essay [5]

I am glad to help you with your essays. :)

My corrections:

Blender 3d
~~Every~~Ever since that faithful night in eighth grade, when I downloaded Blender 4.47 ~~to use~~ to complete my English project about The Outsiders, I have grown to explore and experiment with the ever expanding world of computer technology. Each passing summer found me diving deeper into animation, digital art, and even website and computer coding, all to satisfy my assiduous thirst to create visually pleasing products and applications that make for a more convenient world. Even though my skills in Blender still have a ways to go, the experiences it brought will always keep me pursuing knowledge that interests me.

I corrected the beginning of your essay (Every to Ever). I deleted to use at is it seemed rather redundant; stating that you completed your English project with the software implies that you used it to complete the project. I italicized that part of your first sentence to suggest a different choice of words. Perhaps, instead of "I have grown to explore and experiment with the ever expanding world of computer technology, you should write something like " I grew fond of exploring and experimenting with the ever expanding world of computer technology." Besides that, your essay is up to par. Good job mate! :D

The Bible

As a son of a pastor and a ~~devote~~devoted mother, the Bible has been the cornerstone of my literary life. In fact, I grew up reading the Revised Standard Version almost every day. Its complex sentence structure and phrases became familiar with me at a very young age. As for what it preached, that too played a key role in my life. I have learned a lot of valuable life lessons from the Bible, and reading it has given me a craze to examine classic writings like the Iliad and Huck Finn, and delve into their unique styles of text.

Corrections: devote to devoted. I italicized suggest that you attempt to present the reader a more excited tone. For example, "My fascination for the Bible brought me into reading the Revised Standard Version almost everyday." I also italicized "Huck Finn" to suggest that you expand it to its full name, "Huckleberry Finn", so that there will be no ambiguity with any readers. But this suggestion is optional; it is up to your choosing :)

I personality feel that this last response is perhaps somewhat limited. You might want to try to describe to the reader how the new phrases encountered on this text improved your understanding English Composition as a child; or what implications the teachings of the Revised Standard Version had on your life. Those are just some suggestions. I do appreciate how you brought in how reading the Bible influenced your choices in your readings! Now keep up the good work.

And good luck :D

-Martin

Maht33n

Mar 26, 2012

Scholarship / 'to finish the iron man' - scholarship essay [5]

I feel that this is a really good response to the prompt. I especially liked the examples, and how you tied in the prompt into your ending sentence (in other words, how it affected who your way of being). Perhaps you could include a few more examples of how the race improved your athletic ability--so as to make your response to the prompt a little more concrete. But I understand the pesky 100 word limit, so I know that you can't include too much.

I wish you luck, fellow College Prep applicant! :)

-Martin.

Edit: I forgot to tell you, in line two "was the boy scouts ultimate test of endurance and strength", boy scouts is being used as a possession. Therefore, it has to be changed to "boy scouts's" to show singular possession. I think that's the technicality behind it :P.

Maht33n

Mar 25, 2012

Scholarship / (Mother / Economic Struggles / School / Community) - Scholarship mini-essays [6]

chin2413
Thank you very much for your response chin.

I will look into focusing the tittles for my factors somewhat more.

I really wish I could be more specific, but it was just a closing remark. With a one hundred word limit, there is really little opportunity for elaborate explanations or examples :/. For my mini-essays, I proceeded to supply an introduction, then how the specific factor influenced my life.

As for the discussion question on the community, "Topic 2: If you could change one thing about your community, what would you change and why? (100 word limit) * ".

It only asked what I would change and why. With no reference to what I would do, I just specified examples of why I feel my community is suffering from a mild case of disunity. I really appreciate your interest and input on my question, however. :D

I will look into your essay later on in the day to give you my input. Thanks once again. :)

Maht33n

Mar 25, 2012

Scholarship / (Mother / Economic Struggles / School / Community) - Scholarship mini-essays [6]

Thanks to the both of you.

Cupcake, by what you said, what are you exactly suggesting I improve in the uniqueness of my essay? I do need to rearrange the beginning of that essay a little to add a little more continuity and vitality to it...

And I will go over your essay later on today alright? Thank you :)

Maht33n

Mar 25, 2012

Scholarship / (Mother / Economic Struggles / School / Community) - Scholarship mini-essays [6]

Hello! I hope everybody is doing great. I have to supply four essay responses in order to submit an application for a scholarship. I would appreciate any comments on my work thus far, any corrections in grammar or syntax, or any overall suggestions. Thank you very much!!!!!!! I really appreciate it!

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Topic 1: List and describe three unique factors that have most shaped who you are (any obstacles you have faced or passions you have developed are especially relevant). 100 word limit per factor. *

1. My Mother's Guidance

In elaborating the factors that have shaped who I am today, my mother is of all, the most important influence that has transpired in my life. From early childhood, she made it her never ending endeavor to teach me what she believed would make me the best person possible. She taught me manners, so that I could become appreciative towards others; she taught me right from wrong, so that I could be prudent and modest in my decisions; and she taught me to care for others, so that others could look upon me for aid. Her guidance has been immeasurable.

2. Economic Struggles

With no support from my father for more than ten years, my mom and brother have had to fend for themselves the resources necessary for our livelihood in the United States. Due to the current recession, this responsibility has solely fallen on my brother-who by himself, has to support us and also pay his tuition for college. Through their struggles, I have learned to be modest and appreciative for what can be supplied to me, and to be selfless towards others; for I understand, that others in the world have much less than fortune has allowed us to obtain.

3. Hard work in School

From the early days of childhood, I was always motivated by my family to do my best in school. I would always remark them saying, "With a good education, anything is possible". Indeed, their conviction rose to become my own. With my arrival to "the land of opportunity", I matured into a state of full scholastic maturity. Through my arduous work in school, I not only achieved great successes, but I also learned how to be responsible for myself; how to cope with tremendous stress; how to be better motivated; and to always give my best towards achieving my dreams.

Topic 2: If you could change one thing about your community, what would you change and why? (100 word limit) *

If given the opportunity to make a positive change in my community, then I would improve the sense of unity and care amongst the individuals comprising it. In contrast to my previous residence in Peru, where I lived nearly four years of my life, it is unfortunate to note that here neighbors do not know their neighbors; that people do not gather as a community to look upon the well being of one to the other; and that people choose to be rather solitary. It is important to change this, as a close community is stronger than a fragmented one.