Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 2: parental discipine is necessary to bring up well-adjusted kids? [NEW]

Hi everyone, I'm gonna take an Ielts test in one month but my writing is not good. I hope you help me improve it. Thanks a lot!

This is my second draft of this writing
Task: Most psychologists today believe that a strong sense of parental discipline is necessary to bring up socially well-adjusted kids. Discuss.

" Children are the future of the society", as a saying goes. So important is finding a suitable way to educate children to be well-adjusted ones that a variety of ideas has been raised. Some psychologists assume that parental discipline should be necessarily employed in children upbringing. However, this opinion has aroused controversial arguments.

It can not be denied that parents' usage of punishments on children's bad behaviors genuinely reveals their care about their offspring. Fairly, they are at least much better than neglective parents who always ignore their kids. Besides, if tolerant parents do not impose any restrictions or rules in their homes, their children will not recognize their fault and keep making mistakes, which may impact their future behaviors. Some recent study indicated that permissive parents were likely to have spoiled children with dangerously complacent attitude in later life.

Nevertheless, opponents of this idea strongly claim that punishments in many families often evoke the images of violent actions and miserable children, which are appeared in daily newspapers these days. As a consequence, those children brought up by authoritarian parents with rules and restrictions will be affected especially the ones in their formative years, who are very sensitive about life. They may rebel against their parents when they get old enough. Take my cousin as an example.He was sent to correctional system for injuring his schoolmates when he ended his high school. His bad behavior was then traced back to his father's violent punishments in the past and his actions were considered as his revenge to his father.

Therefore, in my opinion, parents should be authoritative with the best combination of love and discipline. They should be both caring with love and utilize some rules for their children's faults or mistakes. For instance, along with explanation about mistakes, parents should take away children's privilege or add some to their daily routines like washing cars, floor...

Thanks for your help!