Hanzo
May 28, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL Writing Exercise : Smoking should not be permitted in restaurants [3]
Hi,
I am just lending some advice. please dont take my revisions literal.. just trying to point out where it doesn't sound right..
Children have a high potential to imitate what adults do because they have really high curiosity towards things.
Smoking in restaurants also can affect the elderly's health, especially if they have problems with their hearts and lungs.
People that would be most in danger by the smoke are pregnant women because they will breathe in the contaminated air and it will disrupt the growth of the babies.
In conclusion, smoking should not be permitted in restaurants because the majority of people with be at a disadvantage.
Sounds good so far, you are on your way.. Good luck on your Test!!
Hanzo..
Hi,
I am just lending some advice. please dont take my revisions literal.. just trying to point out where it doesn't sound right..
Children have a high potential to imitate what adults do because they have really high curiosity towards things.
Smoking in restaurants also can affect the elderly's health, especially if they have problems with their hearts and lungs.
People that would be most in danger by the smoke are pregnant women because they will breathe in the contaminated air and it will disrupt the growth of the babies.
In conclusion, smoking should not be permitted in restaurants because the majority of people with be at a disadvantage.
Sounds good so far, you are on your way.. Good luck on your Test!!
Hanzo..