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TOEFL Writing Exercise : Smoking should not be permitted in restaurants


petitsourire 1 / -  
May 28, 2012   #1
Hi everyone,
I'm going to take a TOEFL test to complete my application for Master's degree. Since English is not my first language, I would like to ask a help from you to suggest and give correction on my essay.

Thank you very much :)

Topic : Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Smoking should not be permitted in restaurants, and state laws that prohibit it should be upheld.

Generally speaking, smoking is never been good for human's body. There are so many researches done to prove that a cigar contains harmful ingredients for human's body. Although many smokers claim that they need to smoke in order to work more effectively or to think more creatively, those reasons never proves that smoking has any benefits for human's body. In my opinion, smoking should not be permitted, especially in public places like restaurants because it will make the non-smokers breathe uncomfortably.

First of all, restaurants are places where people come and pay some money to enjoy their meals. Smoking in restaurants will absolutely disturb other people in enjoying their meals. They will not be able to enjoy their meals while breathing in smoke around them.

Secondly, restaurants are places that people usually come with their families. This means, there will be children, grandparents, as well as pregnant women inside the restaurants. Smoking in restaurants can give a bad example to the children. Children have a high potential to imitate what adults do because they have really high curiosity towards something. Smoking in restaurants also can affect the elders' health, especially if they have problems with their hearts and lungs. The most dangerous people that would be affected by smoke are the pregnant women because they will breathe in the contaminated air and it will disrupt the growth of the babies.

Last but not least, passive smokers will have a lot of health risks. When they are around the active smokers, they will inhale hazardous smoke. Stroke, heart disorders, hearing loss, and cancers are some diseases that can attack passive smokers. Personally speaking, it is unfair for passive smokers because they do not smoke but they have same health risks as the active one.

In conclusion, smoking should not be permitted in restaurants because there will be a lot of people get disadvantaged. State laws that prohibit it should be upheld so the restaurant' management can make a clear rule in their restaurants because everyone has a right to enjoy their meals.

:: Stefina ::

Hanzo - / 1  
May 28, 2012   #2
Hi,
I am just lending some advice. please dont take my revisions literal.. just trying to point out where it doesn't sound right..

Children have a high potential to imitate what adults do because they have really high curiosity towards things.

Smoking in restaurants also can affect the elderly's health, especially if they have problems with their hearts and lungs.

People that would be most in danger by the smoke are pregnant women because they will breathe in the contaminated air and it will disrupt the growth of the babies.

In conclusion, smoking should not be permitted in restaurants because the majority of people with be at a disadvantage.

Sounds good so far, you are on your way.. Good luck on your Test!!
Hanzo..
vickey 9 / 18  
Jun 3, 2012   #3
Hi Stefina,

Nicely done.

Thank you for sharing nice TOEFL topic. I am also preparing TOEFL exam.

I have only one comments regarding your essay.

"Passive smoking" = > I think it would be better to change " Indirect smoking" .

It looks more understandable for me.

But never mind !!

Good luck to your TOEFL score.


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