Undergraduate / 'Becoming a prosecutor lawyer' - Personal Statement [5]

Well, don't be afraid of bragging about yourself, personal statements are supposed to do that - obviously though, don't be super cocky or say things like "I'm a really intuitive person" its better to give an example or text that infers that.

Scholarship / 'Electrical & Computer Engineering - robot' - scholarship personal statement. [5]

Alright, thanks tfizzle I will definitely look in to it :)

Writing Feedback / Regular class attendance important to college students? [4]

BCIT kicks students out of a particular course if they miss 10% of the course (unexcused ofcourse.) The primary justification is: You can't miss 10% of your work-days or you'll be fired.

Not sure if it works that way with other schools as well. Maybe you can use this information in your essay?

Scholarship / 'Electrical & Computer Engineering - robot' - scholarship personal statement. [5]

Latest revision:

My name is Jeremy Wildsmith, and I have been pursuing a career for past 6 years of my life. Little did I know when I started that this pursuit would lead me to BCIT's Electrical & Computer engineering program. My journey, the kick-start for my passion in computer engineering started very young, and perhaps it started more as a passion for computer programming. I started and spent most of my time in C++ and C# .Net and occasionally took a detour in to C and basic x86 assembly (for code analysis).

When I started C++ I became very engaged in the experience. I was inspired, and brought back to it as I grew an interest for the low-level components of a computer system. I read a book called Reverse Engineering by Eldad Eilam and Rootkits: Subverting the Windows Kernel by Greg Hoglund. My interests in this particular field grew and eventually, I attempted to write my own kernel. I used a series of tutorials from osdever.net to research in to this particular field and unintentionally staggered my way in to a very simple introduction of software engineering. I ended up writing a small kernel and boot loader that would simply initialize itself, installing a keyboard listener, Interrupt Service Routines and a simple memory paging system. Later that year, my family got an Xbox (not an Xbox 360). I'd sneak away every night and open it up; trying to understand what part was the desktop computers equivalence. While looking at an Integrated Circuit I'd seen mounted on the Xbox motherboard, what I didn't know then to be the ROM memory unit storing the Xbox's Basic Input\Output System, I came across another book called Hacking the Xbox by Andrew Huang. I learned the very basics of my motherboards design. I found the material both very difficult to comprehend as well as incredibly fascinating. It is here where I picked up my passion for computer & electrical engineering.

In my Grade 12 year I pushed myself to look in to different post-secondary schools. I was initially attracted to BCIT as an option because I'd remembered taking a small summer Java program for kids there. The program was held for younger students (I was about grade 6 or 7 at the time) and even though I was a little beyond the course material, I remember thinking very highly of BCIT for inspiring kids to pursue their ambitions in the computer programming field.

There was one other factor that played when I decided to apply for BCIT. Namely, it was how BCIT was hosting the VEX robotics competitions in 2012 - for which our team was the only to implement a holonomic drive train. For many hours I volunteered for my High Schools VEX robotics. I took on the responsibility of programming our robot.

As the robot's programmer I decided to challenge myself and began implementing my own independent holonomic driving system in C opposed to using the managed RobotC environment. The driving module was for an embedded ARM processor and utilized the EasyC API to interface with the VEX motors. This helped me grasp a stronger idea of embedded systems programming and provided me some idea of what it might be like to program embedded systems. I used a polymorphic and modular code design in the process; this was my first time implementing polymorphic design concepts such as interfaces and abstract classes in a relatively serious C project. Another valuable skill I gathered while programming our school's robot is the idea of working in a team and interfacing with other members who understood different subject areas.

Along with my volunteer experience at my school's robotics club, I have also been volunteering with a Guildford Community Volunteer Patrol program. There I do regular patrols around the Guilford area (specifically around the mall and recreational center). Regular duties include seeking stolen cars, as well as keep a watchful eye on the community. As a volunteer of GCVP, I also attend large events and work with the RCMP to keep them safe and seek out lost children; such events include Vaisakhi and the Fusion Festival. I chose to volunteer at GCVP because I was very interested in a career relevant to policing - and hope that eventually my career path in computer\electrical engineering may cross paths with a civilian career in policing.

I am taking the Electrical & Computer Engineering program because I believe it will help me grasp the fascinating and vast area of computer engineering; a dream of mine ever since I was 13. Once graduating the Electrical & Computer Engineering of Technology program, I plan to pursue bachelors in Electrical Engineering from BCIT and further my studies by taking a graduates program in quantum computing (another field I find very interesting.)

Undergraduate / 'Becoming a prosecutor lawyer' - Personal Statement [5]

First, I am in the exact same situation as you (needing to write a personal statement.) So my advice isn't professional, just based off of some advice that was given to me.

I like your personal statement as it:
* Describes a bit about your life and how you came to choose your career path.
* A source for inspiration is descirbed - to me this is very important, especially if you are going in to a field that is competative.

* In your personal statement, it is important to explain why you have recieved a poor GPA in school (if you have), you have done this quite well.

* Very interesting and engaging story.

Some reasons I disapprove of it though:
* In personal statements, you should (generally) avoid inspiring pity, i.e make others feel bad for you. To clarify, I am not suggesting you remove all parts about your hardship but rather carefully approach it and don't spend too much time on it. It should be used strictly to describe how it got you in to your career path and why your GPA is below average (if it is) . Right now the entirety of your personal statement inspires pity where it isn't needed (with the exception of your conclusion.) It is moving, no doubt, but it isn't appropriate for a personal statement.

* You should try to keep a positive tone in your statement

* You want to keep personal statements neither too long nor too short. So make some room for your achievements or conquered obstacles. This doesn't have to be strictly related to school. Show how you demonstrated initiative, again it doesn't have to be relavent to school.

* What are your interests or hobbies? I want to know more about your character.

* Choose one source of inspiration and one of your greatest achievements and focus on that. The rest of the space should tell the reader what hobbies, activities and volunteer\work experience you have.

Now, aside from that, I have some suggestions regarding vocabulary, grammar and specific content.
* Try to use formal words. I.e, instead of 'guy' use 'man' or 'men'. Also avoid simple and overly broad vocabulary like 'bad.'
* "I didn't want to tell them it was because my mom was addicted to drugs so I begin to lie. I started to hate life because I was force to hide back my tears and humiliation."

Like I said, be careful with inspiring pity. If you decide to use this statement, note that it is a little too negative, even though true, it can be worded to express a more positive character trait of yours. For example :

"Despite the routine obstacles I faced, I was able to maintain a..." (I can't think of anything at the momment, but I'm sure you get the point.)

* "From Projects to the streets ..." The opening paragraph is one of the most important of them all. I don't understand what you mean when you say "projects to the streets"; also the opening is a bit cliche.