Ants in a Deli
Jul 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / It is said that the human beings are becoming slaves of modern technology [5]
kissingyou0912
Hello,
To start off I think your essay was interesting. You should probably use more variety in your vocabulary, such as "manipulate" instead of control.
I changed some stuff and this is what I got
Technological advancement is becoming more and more sophisticated, and it is accessible to almost everyone, making it a significant part of modern society. Human beings depend on machines in everything they do. However, because of these situations, there are some ideas that humanity is enslaved by modern technology, but I do not agree with these opinions. (State your point of view here. I thought your whole essay was going to disagree with humanity as slaves to our own innovations. Yet, by the end your thought seemed to alerter and instead, seemed to be that you believed mankind should attempted to use it to our full advantage without being completely dependent.)
Technology is the principal driving force in the extensive range of both industry and agriculture, which makes an imprint on human life. It has become an indispensable ingredient for the civilization. In agriculture, more products are now made from the same amount of raw materials utilizing the new advanced techniques. When it comes to industry, the success of technology is even more profitable. A typical example is the computer, which is used in most manufacturing nowadays. This magical device includes word progressing, cutting, assembling clothes, etc; computerization has made it far easier for the banks to keep track of individual banking transaction, helping to solve the potential and financial problems more effectively and efficiently.
On the other hand, as a result of the technological necessity, human beings are now relying on technology too much. Obviously, people are always in search of leading a convenient and easy life. Thus they make an effort to improve the technology, which allows them to have more leisure time to enjoy their life. To be more specific, the majority of tenuous tasks are now completed by machines in an accurate and swift way. For instance, thanks to the invention of electricity, many products are now produced totally by the control of only one computer, saving a great deal of human effort. A lot of work that used to be done by human activities in the past is now conducted by equipment and machines instead. A whole staff in a factory can be replaced with one computer. Unfortunately, this convenience may result in laziness and dependency. The more sophisticated the technology is, the worse this situation becomes. In other words, mankind takes such an overwhelming advantage of their innovations that they are considered to be the slaves of it.
In contrast, it is not correct to judge technology as controlling human beings. Firstly, without human, technology would never exist. It is people that come up with the idea of developing technology and determining whether it will thrive or not. More importantly, machines cannot think, they can only follow human instruction as well as conduct what has been previously installed in their brain. Another reason is that there are still many tasks that require human intelligence and creativity. We hold the key for its innovation, evolution to resolve the impending problems associated with the abuse of technology.
To conclude, it can't be denied that modern technology is now a major part of one's life. The point is that everyone needs to make sure that human are aware of the bad and good impact, which technological advancement has on life. However, we should make a full use of it to achieve our goals and dreams rather than to become dependent on it.
I suggest change the word "Obviously" and replace the phrase "Bad and Good." (Those are no-no words)
Hope this is helpful :)
kissingyou0912
Hello,
To start off I think your essay was interesting. You should probably use more variety in your vocabulary, such as "manipulate" instead of control.
I changed some stuff and this is what I got
Technological advancement is becoming more and more sophisticated, and it is accessible to almost everyone, making it a significant part of modern society. Human beings depend on machines in everything they do. However, because of these situations, there are some ideas that humanity is enslaved by modern technology, but I do not agree with these opinions. (State your point of view here. I thought your whole essay was going to disagree with humanity as slaves to our own innovations. Yet, by the end your thought seemed to alerter and instead, seemed to be that you believed mankind should attempted to use it to our full advantage without being completely dependent.)
Technology is the principal driving force in the extensive range of both industry and agriculture, which makes an imprint on human life. It has become an indispensable ingredient for the civilization. In agriculture, more products are now made from the same amount of raw materials utilizing the new advanced techniques. When it comes to industry, the success of technology is even more profitable. A typical example is the computer, which is used in most manufacturing nowadays. This magical device includes word progressing, cutting, assembling clothes, etc; computerization has made it far easier for the banks to keep track of individual banking transaction, helping to solve the potential and financial problems more effectively and efficiently.
On the other hand, as a result of the technological necessity, human beings are now relying on technology too much. Obviously, people are always in search of leading a convenient and easy life. Thus they make an effort to improve the technology, which allows them to have more leisure time to enjoy their life. To be more specific, the majority of tenuous tasks are now completed by machines in an accurate and swift way. For instance, thanks to the invention of electricity, many products are now produced totally by the control of only one computer, saving a great deal of human effort. A lot of work that used to be done by human activities in the past is now conducted by equipment and machines instead. A whole staff in a factory can be replaced with one computer. Unfortunately, this convenience may result in laziness and dependency. The more sophisticated the technology is, the worse this situation becomes. In other words, mankind takes such an overwhelming advantage of their innovations that they are considered to be the slaves of it.
In contrast, it is not correct to judge technology as controlling human beings. Firstly, without human, technology would never exist. It is people that come up with the idea of developing technology and determining whether it will thrive or not. More importantly, machines cannot think, they can only follow human instruction as well as conduct what has been previously installed in their brain. Another reason is that there are still many tasks that require human intelligence and creativity. We hold the key for its innovation, evolution to resolve the impending problems associated with the abuse of technology.
To conclude, it can't be denied that modern technology is now a major part of one's life. The point is that everyone needs to make sure that human are aware of the bad and good impact, which technological advancement has on life. However, we should make a full use of it to achieve our goals and dreams rather than to become dependent on it.
I suggest change the word "Obviously" and replace the phrase "Bad and Good." (Those are no-no words)
Hope this is helpful :)
