guyver
Dec 31, 2008
guyver
Dec 31, 2008
Undergraduate / Personal essay for common application.. The topic - Financial crysis in my [10]
Good emotional essay. It is better than the previous essay but, like ilikefood said, there are still some awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. I would advise you to take your essay to an english teacher, unless your deadline is twomorrow
By the way try to state the topic of your essay a bit earlier in the introduction.
Good emotional essay. It is better than the previous essay but, like ilikefood said, there are still some awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. I would advise you to take your essay to an english teacher, unless your deadline is twomorrow
By the way try to state the topic of your essay a bit earlier in the introduction.
guyver
Dec 30, 2008
guyver
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / ohio university written task [7]
I would like to, but the words limit is 400. I am actually working on the detail matter, but is hard since there is a word limit. Should I cut the explanation of the roots of the crisis? But I also need to explain why the crisis is important generally. It is kind a troublesome dilemma.
I would like to, but the words limit is 400. I am actually working on the detail matter, but is hard since there is a word limit. Should I cut the explanation of the roots of the crisis? But I also need to explain why the crisis is important generally. It is kind a troublesome dilemma.
guyver
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / commonapp essay, "everyone has a different mountain" - review [4]
Kevin is 100% right :) Really good essay
Kevin is 100% right :) Really good essay
guyver
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / Personal essay for common application.. The topic - Financial crysis in my [10]
You should be more personal in this essay, try to express more of your feelings and thoughts. The fact that you stop going to the swimming pool, rinks is a bit weak- it is immature, short term loss when contrasted with serious matter of unemployement
You should be more personal in this essay, try to express more of your feelings and thoughts. The fact that you stop going to the swimming pool, rinks is a bit weak- it is immature, short term loss when contrasted with serious matter of unemployement
guyver
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / commonapp essay, "everyone has a different mountain" - review [4]
Very good personal statement. Nevertheless, 1 thing is missing, what do you want to do in your life, do you want to be a mountain climber, mechanics, economist, bankier, doctor?
You are a hardworker, a person who wants to surpass "mountains" and life's difficulties. You are saying you want to achieve success, does it mean you want get a college degree or even a master degree as proof of overcoming another mountain in your life. Be more specific, say why you want to get into the college, what you want to study (e.g mathematics because solving mathematical problems it is challenging), define the mountain you want to surpass thanks to getting into college.
Try to put this essay into the first topic of common application evaluate a significant experience, achievement you have taken. Your essay seem to me to be of the same topic.
Very good personal statement. Nevertheless, 1 thing is missing, what do you want to do in your life, do you want to be a mountain climber, mechanics, economist, bankier, doctor?
You are a hardworker, a person who wants to surpass "mountains" and life's difficulties. You are saying you want to achieve success, does it mean you want get a college degree or even a master degree as proof of overcoming another mountain in your life. Be more specific, say why you want to get into the college, what you want to study (e.g mathematics because solving mathematical problems it is challenging), define the mountain you want to surpass thanks to getting into college.
Try to put this essay into the first topic of common application evaluate a significant experience, achievement you have taken. Your essay seem to me to be of the same topic.
guyver
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / Common Apps Essay (two very different worlds: US and Korea) [8]
"together, however, the wall between me and the other kids collapsed."
You used here a wrong linker, you should have shown here a cause/consequence. I would use here: which lead to the collapse of the wall between me and the other kids or just use thus/therefore.
I like the idea of your essay. However, I must say that you miss the point, you are to EVALUATE the importance of your experience, you focused on resuming the experience. I think you should developed more the part how this experience has shaped your personality. You stick more to the topic and put your experience on the second plan.
Moreover your introduction is a bit too indirect, be more firm, remember that the reader has also other writting to read.
Sorry for being so harsh on you
"together, however, the wall between me and the other kids collapsed."
You used here a wrong linker, you should have shown here a cause/consequence. I would use here: which lead to the collapse of the wall between me and the other kids or just use thus/therefore.
I like the idea of your essay. However, I must say that you miss the point, you are to EVALUATE the importance of your experience, you focused on resuming the experience. I think you should developed more the part how this experience has shaped your personality. You stick more to the topic and put your experience on the second plan.
Moreover your introduction is a bit too indirect, be more firm, remember that the reader has also other writting to read.
Sorry for being so harsh on you
guyver
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / ohio university written task [7]
Write an essay supporting an issue about which you are particularly passionate. Explain why that issue is important to you or your generation
What could interest a high school senior? His or her future probably. I am not different in this matter. From the beginning of the economic crisis of 2008, I have grown a passion for it. It is to me an important issue that affects not only my morrow but also the one of the whole post-cold war generation.
The economic crisis has begun in 2007 through 2008, when the Wall Street began to collapse. Michael Bloomberg, the Mayor of New York, explained that the main reason for the crisis is the collapse of the housing market. Over the years, banks lent money to people who could not afford it. Because of the easiness of taking a credit or a mortgage, people began to spend more than they actually had.
Banks did not feel threaten by this fact, actually they were delighted. The lenders charged higher interest rates, made additional money on sub-prime loans, and the borrower's house would be seized and sold in case he or she defaults. Thus, giving credits was safe. However, at the beginning of 2007, because of overbuilding and FED over pumping money to the market, the housing price began to downfall, which lead to the collapse of banks, such as the Lehman Brothers, due to their inability to estimate their assets. Normally, the crisis restricts to one country, but as the banks share their pain with other banks (as well national as foreign) to minimize the default risk and the United States have a powerful economy affecting the worldwide economy, the breakdown of the US economy has, like a plague, infected other nations. For instance Vietnam, which has just benefited from its joining to the WTO in 2005 a major economical growth, now has entered dark time of recession due to the crisis.
In my case, the economic crisis has touched badly my parents small business, it has affected negatively their firm's profit. My generation will suffer from lack of work place, as demand for goods and service decreased and the firm will decrease their labor force to reduce cost and survive from bankruptcy. Thus, I would like to contribute in the rebuilding the world economy, so I can help not only myself and my family but also other people. And the key is the study of economy, because an enemy can be fought only by understanding him of her.
Write an essay supporting an issue about which you are particularly passionate. Explain why that issue is important to you or your generation
What could interest a high school senior? His or her future probably. I am not different in this matter. From the beginning of the economic crisis of 2008, I have grown a passion for it. It is to me an important issue that affects not only my morrow but also the one of the whole post-cold war generation.
The economic crisis has begun in 2007 through 2008, when the Wall Street began to collapse. Michael Bloomberg, the Mayor of New York, explained that the main reason for the crisis is the collapse of the housing market. Over the years, banks lent money to people who could not afford it. Because of the easiness of taking a credit or a mortgage, people began to spend more than they actually had.
Banks did not feel threaten by this fact, actually they were delighted. The lenders charged higher interest rates, made additional money on sub-prime loans, and the borrower's house would be seized and sold in case he or she defaults. Thus, giving credits was safe. However, at the beginning of 2007, because of overbuilding and FED over pumping money to the market, the housing price began to downfall, which lead to the collapse of banks, such as the Lehman Brothers, due to their inability to estimate their assets. Normally, the crisis restricts to one country, but as the banks share their pain with other banks (as well national as foreign) to minimize the default risk and the United States have a powerful economy affecting the worldwide economy, the breakdown of the US economy has, like a plague, infected other nations. For instance Vietnam, which has just benefited from its joining to the WTO in 2005 a major economical growth, now has entered dark time of recession due to the crisis.
In my case, the economic crisis has touched badly my parents small business, it has affected negatively their firm's profit. My generation will suffer from lack of work place, as demand for goods and service decreased and the firm will decrease their labor force to reduce cost and survive from bankruptcy. Thus, I would like to contribute in the rebuilding the world economy, so I can help not only myself and my family but also other people. And the key is the study of economy, because an enemy can be fought only by understanding him of her.
