Laura Tale
Jul 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Children - Common App Essay "Identity and Motivation" [3]
Thank you so much. Your insight was so helpful :)
Thank you so much. Your insight was so helpful :)
Laura Tale
Jul 30, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Lonely people at restaurants' - Is my topic Essay B or Essay C? [5]
Essay C. You are saying how the "challenges" (dad passing away, getting into fights) has "shaped" you. Clearly essay C.
Essay C. You are saying how the "challenges" (dad passing away, getting into fights) has "shaped" you. Clearly essay C.
Laura Tale
Jul 30, 2012
Undergraduate / 'this wisdom and lesson' - Discuss a personal crucial relationship you have had [3]
To add onto the "silver lining" part perhaps you could also use the phrase "the rough and the smooth" instead of "I am often faced with results that do not please me but I still recognize that I have achieved something and that accomplishment should not go unnoticed" which sounds a bit awkward to me. Also perhaps put in more detail about how talking to her made her happy or how you felt while you talked to her. Make that part more believable.
Other than that this is very well written :)
To add onto the "silver lining" part perhaps you could also use the phrase "the rough and the smooth" instead of "I am often faced with results that do not please me but I still recognize that I have achieved something and that accomplishment should not go unnoticed" which sounds a bit awkward to me. Also perhaps put in more detail about how talking to her made her happy or how you felt while you talked to her. Make that part more believable.
Other than that this is very well written :)
Laura Tale
Jul 30, 2012
Undergraduate / 'strong communications program' - My Transfer Common App [2]
Perhaps in the second paragraph you could make yourself sound even more sophisticated if you changed the third sentence to "As I had always been accustomed to free-writing, I struggled with abiding to the strict instructions given out by my English teachers." Also, in your last paragraph almost every sentence begins with "I..." perhaps inverse it? For instance, for the last sentence it could be changed to "To be surrounded by students as passionate towards their studies as I am allows the focus to be uninterrupted and would further provide opportunities to grow and work together not only as students but also as up-and-coming professionals in our respective fields."
I hope this helps. It's already pretty good.
Perhaps in the second paragraph you could make yourself sound even more sophisticated if you changed the third sentence to "As I had always been accustomed to free-writing, I struggled with abiding to the strict instructions given out by my English teachers." Also, in your last paragraph almost every sentence begins with "I..." perhaps inverse it? For instance, for the last sentence it could be changed to "To be surrounded by students as passionate towards their studies as I am allows the focus to be uninterrupted and would further provide opportunities to grow and work together not only as students but also as up-and-coming professionals in our respective fields."
I hope this helps. It's already pretty good.
Laura Tale
Jul 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Children - Common App Essay "Identity and Motivation" [3]
Please help me critique this harshly. It is a rough draft (ish) and my first common application essay attempt.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Taxi drivers often asked where I was from. I would say, I'm English. But my Mother is Chinese. Ahh. They understood. I have learnt to adapt, but even more- I have not lost myself within the process. My eyes had been near to popping out from the revoltingly large poisonous spiders in Australia and I did not enjoy having to do without the taste of the scrumptious sausages in England (which, really, doesn't taste right in any other country) but soon enough my eyes grew accustomed to even the Chinese pedestrian dressed in a mere pajama outfit, spitting and cycling along the polluted roads when the sun had barely risen.
Living in China was not all that I had expected. Perhaps growing up here had a part of that. Or being in this elite, international community, where families come and go took its tole. Like a transferring stop on the subway; unstable- not somewhere to stay. Guests and family friends were often mildly amused as I switched at lightning pace, from English to Chinese when talking to my Father and Mother. After one dinner, I remember my favourite shu shu (uncle in Chinese) asking me if I thought about it each time before I switched languages. I told him it was as natural to my tongue as tasting food. Two rich cultures within my grasp, the chance to have both rice and bread on my dinner table everyday. I realised then that although the environment I was in was not a stable one, as long as I was stable, I could thrive here. Different from others yet just as balanced. Having both the worlds of the East and West on my shoulders is truly a miracle.
The teacher assistant position made my work experience unforgettable. The teachers at Kid Castle Co. were either foreign with little Chinese or Chinese with sloppy second-language English. I translated between the kids and the teachers and vise versa. Sometimes even between the teachers.
I spent days building and strengthening the structure and basis of the English Language for those children, gaining new insights into how teaching works. When I was in the office at night after their mothers had come to pick them up, after grading the homework I got to do telephone-routines in which I'd hold a vocabulary-filled conversation with the child. Again, the differences between East and West cultures or Eastern and Western children was just astoundingly incredible.
Helping children to understand and watching them almost visibly transgress created a feeling of satisfaction nothing else could compare to. I developed a clearer awareness of my own strengths and cravings. Since I completed my two weeks working there and walked out that door I've missed that spark of realisation on their little faces the most. The work experience acted almost as a sort of catalyst of my own self-realisation. I've grown to appreciate my abilities and to appreciate how special it is to be able to help children learn.
Please help me critique this harshly. It is a rough draft (ish) and my first common application essay attempt.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Taxi drivers often asked where I was from. I would say, I'm English. But my Mother is Chinese. Ahh. They understood. I have learnt to adapt, but even more- I have not lost myself within the process. My eyes had been near to popping out from the revoltingly large poisonous spiders in Australia and I did not enjoy having to do without the taste of the scrumptious sausages in England (which, really, doesn't taste right in any other country) but soon enough my eyes grew accustomed to even the Chinese pedestrian dressed in a mere pajama outfit, spitting and cycling along the polluted roads when the sun had barely risen.
Living in China was not all that I had expected. Perhaps growing up here had a part of that. Or being in this elite, international community, where families come and go took its tole. Like a transferring stop on the subway; unstable- not somewhere to stay. Guests and family friends were often mildly amused as I switched at lightning pace, from English to Chinese when talking to my Father and Mother. After one dinner, I remember my favourite shu shu (uncle in Chinese) asking me if I thought about it each time before I switched languages. I told him it was as natural to my tongue as tasting food. Two rich cultures within my grasp, the chance to have both rice and bread on my dinner table everyday. I realised then that although the environment I was in was not a stable one, as long as I was stable, I could thrive here. Different from others yet just as balanced. Having both the worlds of the East and West on my shoulders is truly a miracle.
The teacher assistant position made my work experience unforgettable. The teachers at Kid Castle Co. were either foreign with little Chinese or Chinese with sloppy second-language English. I translated between the kids and the teachers and vise versa. Sometimes even between the teachers.
I spent days building and strengthening the structure and basis of the English Language for those children, gaining new insights into how teaching works. When I was in the office at night after their mothers had come to pick them up, after grading the homework I got to do telephone-routines in which I'd hold a vocabulary-filled conversation with the child. Again, the differences between East and West cultures or Eastern and Western children was just astoundingly incredible.
Helping children to understand and watching them almost visibly transgress created a feeling of satisfaction nothing else could compare to. I developed a clearer awareness of my own strengths and cravings. Since I completed my two weeks working there and walked out that door I've missed that spark of realisation on their little faces the most. The work experience acted almost as a sort of catalyst of my own self-realisation. I've grown to appreciate my abilities and to appreciate how special it is to be able to help children learn.
