Letters / 'patient to conduct research' - Motivation letter for master´s course [3]

Hello! I am going to copy/paste your letter in this text box so that it will be easier for me to edit. I hope you don't mind!

Dear Sir/Madam:

I am writing to apply for "Master in________" taught by Faculty of Engineering , University of _______.and enclosed is my C.V. for your consideration (Start a new sentence with the word "enclosed".)

I graduated in 2011,(This comma is unnecessary) from University of _______and hold a master degree in international economic and management. Currently, I am responsibility for(you are "responsible for"? And, talk about what this responsibility entails. Like, what do you do? Mandarin language class at ________. My education at the department of economy, one of the strongest faculties in University of________, has been exceedingly rewarding.

The motivation behind my decision to apply for Master degree lies in my determination to gain more knowledge of (a) different scientific discipline,((End this sentence with a period. State a new one starting with how this new study experience would help you.) this study experience that will bring me a stronger sense of achievement in this modern world. Three years' college studies,(Awkward/doesn't make sense?) I not only had been intensively learned an understanding related with international management (The "I" and "M" in the word should be capitalized.) , but also improve my communication and analytical skills to compete in the growing Chinese market. Meanwhile, my thesis "A bibliometric account of Chinese economics research through the lens of the China Economic Review" (Capitalize the important words in the title of your thesis.) was published in the journal of China Economic Review I also suggest stating WHEN your thesis was published, so that the reader could access the thesis if she/he wanted to do so. It builds your credentials.) . However, I realized that the knowledge of my study and research need still learning in depth(Perhaps "is limited by"?) through my practical working experiences. Thus, it stimulate me(Awkward.) learn and explore more knowledge to enrich the life of my career.

Your university has a good academic reputation(The university already notes this! And, it makes you seem pretentious when you state this, as if you only want to get into the school for the school name... Take it out.) worldwide and provides the opportunities to further develop my research skills. The Master in Innovation and Technological Entrepreneurship was started in 2005 and the prospective program, I believe, will make invaluable experience in my continued efforts to scale new heights of innovation management in new business. It is also good experiences to understanding, learning different management, marketing in depth between China and Portugal.

I am very optimistic, humorous and willing to learn new things(Here, you need to be a LOT more serious. Talk about your readiness to learn, or your determination to do well, or your ability to do certain things... I don't know. But don't just talk about your personality, but also your learning-style.) . I have the patient("patience") to conduct research and can learn things very fast(Awkward and wrong grammar. Possibly: "pick up new procedures efficiently and correctly".) . I hope that, on consideration of my CV, you will be persuaded of my potential to be a suitable candidate for this master program.

I hope my edits helped!

Undergraduate / "Information Vs. Ideology" - Texas essay on an issue of importance to me [3]

Hello! I am going to copy/paste your essay into the text box so that I can directly edit it. I hope you don't mind!

Forewarning: I tend to seem really be-yotchy when editing, but please note that I am not naturally like that! I am just trying to see your topic from the other side, so that you can strengthen your argument and make clearer statements.

The amount of unbiased, true information in the world is very very(either put a comma in between these two words, or take one out) small, it is hard to find in the classroom, on the news or even on the internet.(This is kind of awkward, since you are a comparing a place (classroom) with the news and internet (objects, or even, ideas))Since(Change to "because") I am at a stage in life where my world will be changing faster than ever(FALSE. The world is already currently changing faster than ever. Change this to the present tense. Also, the phrase" faster than ever" is kind of cliche) , I would like to be(BE AFFIRMATIVE HERE. Don't say that you would simply like to, but that you ARE) confident that the decisions I will make are ones not tainted with the ideology of someone else(This is unnecessarily wordy. Just change it to "someone else's ideology") . Not only does it bother me that my thoughts may not be truly my own but the idea that the decisions others in a position of power make may be swayed by the ideology(you've already used this word once... change it up! Find a synonym.) of something that was said on a bias news station or on a popular blog.

People attend school to learn proven facts such as a^2 + b^2=c^2and that the holocaust actually happened. From those facts a student is expected to make their (His or her) own decisions with their own uncorrupted thoughts. But it is difficult for this to happen because even without knowing teachers and professors tie in their own views that can destroy any organic opinion a student would have had. Today (a comma here would be nice)it is hard to see the difference between true information and another's ideology especially when in a classroom setting. Its(It apostrophe s. This needs to be a contraction.) not the teachers fault that their opinions may slip out in class, but sometimes it is. I think that teachers that go out of their way to share their political understanding should not be in a teaching position because they could spending more time lecturing students on the subject they teach instead of forcing their opinion upon students in the class.

When a tragic thing happens in the world i find that it is almost impossible for a viewer to know what happened without a news station trying to convince the viewer that the tragedy occurred because of something the station feels needs to be changed.(Why is this sentence so long? I was getting winded just reading it in my head. I some parts, it starts becoming extremely repetitive.) The shooting that happened in Aurora (comma) Colorado is an example of this.(Why explain that this is an example, at the end of your sentence? Put it in front, so that the readers clearly understand why you are telling us what you are telling us.) Almost every large news outlet in the country reported on the story, they stated the facts as they should but they also included their own ideas as to why it happened. The media's explanations range from video games, to gun control, to blaming the shyness the shooter had around his neighbors. Someone may have tuned to the news to learn about what happened but are also left with the ideas that the news planted in their heads.

The internet is a dangerous and beautiful thing. The world is much closer than ever before thanks to social networks such as facebook, people can see places they would never be able to see with the availability of programs such as Google Earth and thanks to companies like Google, recipes, videos, music and much more can be found online at the click of a mouse.(WORDY. NO GOOD.)On the other hand the internet can be used to cause damage that can often never be repaired, the fact that any person can share their two cents on the Internet can lead to false information that can mislead someone viewing the content and that person will have no idea he or she is being manipulated.(It is nice that you are qualifying your statement by showing the other side, but it weakens your argument. Either qualify it but then back it up, or take it out completely...)

It is almost impossible to be informed on a topic without being exposed to another person's personal agenda. All major sources of information in the world, whether it be schools, news or the internet all seem to have been skewed to represent a person's ideas. This affects everyone because people who get their information from these sources are subject to believing things they would not have if they had true unbiased information not data that represents another's ideology.(Well... Doesn't everyone learn from school and the news and the internet? I see what you're trying to say, and it is that people should be COGNIZANT and AWARE and CAREFUL when letting themselves be exposed to these news sources. You should state that going to school and paying attention in class and watching the news is OKAY, but that one must do so with one's guard up. Yeah?)

I hope my edits helped!