Graduate / Personal Statement for Graduate Application for Speech Pathology [3]

Here are some general feedback:
- use active voice, not passive voice.
- use adverbs and adjectives sparingly.
- short sentences are preferable over long, wordy sentences.
- keep academic/professional information to lessons learned, skills acquired, etc.; there is no need to rehash what is already in your resume/CV (which I assume is either submitted with the application, or is asked somewhere else in the application)

I disagree. I do not think you answered the long-term goals piece. This will be your last paragraph. Be specific. Something like: "My long-term goal is clear: I hope to..." Then, build from here. Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years? Do not be shy here. Be honest with them (and yourself). Do you want a leadership position in an organization? Public sector? Private company? Do you want to run your own company or clinic? Do you want to pursue a higher degree later on? Etc.

Good luck!

Graduate / Statement of Purpose: PhD in Social Policy [4]

I have some general feedback below. However, I want to address a few things upfront.

I assume you are a masters-level student, as suggested by the graduate-level courses at BU. So, I also assume that the Ph.D. application is the next step for you. I am pointing this out because it may help in structuring the essay.

1. I would state upfront what your goals are for the Ph.D., specifically addressing why the Ph.D. is needed at all and why it is needed at this time. Many masters-level students do not go on to pursue doctoral-level graduate work. You need to make a clear case as to why the Ph.D. is necessary. This can be addressed in the first paragraph.

2. Then, I would follow with your academic and professional background, particularly pointing to courses, areas of study, and experience that specifically relate to social policy or have implications for social policy. This will make a more clear case as to what led you to your interests in pursuing the Ph.D. Again, you are trying to make an argument as to why the Ph.D. is a "natural" course to your professional development.

3. Afterwards, I would follow with specific details from the Heller School itself. You already do some of this, but I would be more specific and clear. What you want to do here is to create a match between you and the program. In point #2 (above) you are making a case for what led you to applying to the Ph.D. program. In point #3 you are making connections between those experience and specific details about the program. More importantly, I would address this question: How will the Heller School prepare you for the goals you mentioned in the first paragraph?

Overall, I think you have a strong start to the essay. Here is some general feedback:
- use active voice whenever possible; avoid passive voice.
- use adjectives and adverbs sparingly.
- use shorter sentences; if needed, break-down longer sentences into shorter ones.
- use transitional words and phrases; this will help connect sentences and paragraphs.
- there are too many paragraphs; synthesize and integrate similar topics and ideas.

***Caveat: I already have a doctorate, and I am actually applying for MPH programs, as well, in health policy. No worries, I am not applying to Brandeis. I did not even realize they had a program, but from the way you described it here, it sounds like a strong curriculum. Good luck!***

Graduate / 'higher education in economics' - my LOR for scholarship (Business and Economics ) [4]

To whom it may concern,This is too vague. Recommendation: "Dear Selection Committee for the X Scholarship at Y:" Greetings for professional letters end with a colon (:) not a comma (,).

As Vice-Principal of School of Business and Administration (SEBA) of Can Tho University, I am delighted to recommend you ABC- one of my excellent students for your scholarship grant.Recommendation: "My name is Dr./Professor XYZ, and I am the Vice Principal at the School of Business and Administration (SEBA) at Can Tho University. I am delighted to write this letter on behalf of ABC. I have known ABC since...

I have been known Vy since she was in the first year when she came for my counselor regarding her assignment and I was invited to be the judge in one of the academic contest she attended called Wilmar Agro Award. This is vaue. I am not clear on exactly how your professor/counselor knew you. You came to him/her for counseling? Was he/she a professor for a course? Please be explicit about your relationship w/ him/her.

Compared with more than one thousand students of her course, Vy is one of the most accomplished students with the outstanding achievements that can be proved quantitatively. Her record can be tracked from her very first year in the university when she passed the English entrance test at the first rank at SEBA followed by many academic achievements which most of them were first or second prize of big contests, including one second prize in Dynamic- a national contest for business and economics students. Again, vague and wordy. It is difficult to follow. Write short sentences - to the point and clear. You ranked first in an English entrance exam!!! This is a significant achievement, but it is sort of lost in the fray because the sentence structure is hard to follow. Recommendation: "ABC is an accomplished student, and I write this letter with highest regards. ABC ranked first in the English entrance examination at SEBA. This is an exceptional achievement given the more than one thousand students who took the exam. In addition, she ranked 2nd in Dynamic, a national context for business and economic students." Something to that effect. Also, these are great achievements. However, one issue I have is that it does not show the direct work you had with the professor/counselor who is writing this letter. It must be first clearly established that the person writing this letter worked and interacted with you enough for the scholarship committee to confidently say that the professor/counselor is the right person to say things about you. My recommendation is to start with your direct work with the professor/counselor. For instance, the paragraph below should probably start first - and then, your awards.

However, it is her attitude towards learning as well as her great effort on research that impressed me the most.Flowery, unnecessary.

During her final semester, as her counselor I am impressed by her choice to work full-time instead of an internship at a company which was three hours far from our school to take a deep research on her final assignment while maintaining herself in the top students both in academic record and extracurricular activities in the university. Again, this is vague only because I do not know exactly what the role of your counselor/professor was. Did he/she teach you? Was he/she your thesis advisor? This is important to clarify. Regardless the fact that most of students in her class used only secondary data on the final assignment, Vy was willing to conduct a research using primary data analysing and she has shown excellent analytical skills and intellectual creativity. With that experience, I can confidently assert that her qualities make her an outstanding candidate with a strong potential for research. Here is my recommendation: "In her last semester at SEBA, I had the opportunity directly supervise ABC's research. ABC secured a full-time position a X (name of company). She initiated research on..., she focused her research on... (Be specific here! What was the research? What was the outcome?) Her comfort with primary data analyses speaks to her excellent analytical skills."

I would also recommend trying to tie what the scholarship is and your abilities/experience. I am not clear on what exactly the scholarship is. What is it about you/your interests/your abilities that match or fit with the scholarship? I think this is impotent to demonstrate in the letter.

As far as I know, she has always had an enormous desire on seeking for higher education in economics since she was in second year. Therefore, I enthusiastically recommend her for your institution admission and scholarships grant without hesitation.

Should there be any inquiries, please feel free to contact me.

I would end with something like: "I recommend ABC without reservation. Please contact me if you require additional questions or would further like to discuss ABC's qualifications.

Very truly yours,This is too personal. Formal/professional letters usually end with: "Best wishes," or "Thank you." Something simple. "Very truly yours" is usually more for personal letters.

Good luck with the application!

Undergraduate / 'fascination of people' - Reason for applying to Empire State College [3]

Thank you for including the essay prompts. It is very helpful when editing and reviewing the material.

When choosing a college, there are many factors to consider starting with academics, location, and cost. With this in mind I began my research and later narrowed my extensive search down to one school, Empire State College with a major in psychology.I realize what you are trying to do here, but I would delete these. It is too general, for one thing, and you have a 300-word limit. You lose so much by writing a general statement. I think opening with "Being a single mother..." is beautiful and to the point. However, if you want to write a brief opening statement, I would gear towards something like: I AM PLEASED TO SUBMIT AN APPLICATION TO THE EMPIRE STATE COLLEGE.

Being a single mother(,) location and cost were(Keep to the present tense: ARE) big aspects regarding my school decision (Recommendation: ...ARE IMPORTANT FACTORS IN MY DECISION., but with SUNY Empire my worry was quickly put to ease.(A little too dramatic and hyperbolic. Keep it simple.) With flexible study options and the choice to design my degree my way(I would delete the second half of that statement. It is the same as the first part) , I decide when and where I study( - ) at home, in school or both, and I can combine different areas into one degree that best fits me.

These aspects really intrigued me being a full-time parent juggling two full-time positions in which I had the desire to continue my education but didn't see that happening until now.(Recommendation: AS A SINGLE MOTHER WITH TWO FULL-TIME POSITIONS, FLEXIBILITY IS KEY. Try to tie this statement with your previous one. I recommend restating it in a different way only because you are potentially setting yourself up for the question of WHY NOW - why now that you are interested in going back to school given the unique situation you are in as a single mother with 2 full-time jobs. Having said that, it is also fodder for further material and narrative in your essay - how being a single mother and having 2 full-time jobs will NOT 'get you down' because your interest in psychology is strong - or something to that effect.)

(As someone with a doctorate in psychology, I highly recommend that you DO NOT described your interest in psychology in this way. EVERYONE says the same thing. What you did and do with friends is something a good friend, such as yourself, will do - not necessarily because it is an interested in psychology. Also, psychology is more than listening to people's problems. This is like someone applying to law school and stating that they would make a good lawyer because they liked to argue as a child. It oversimplifies the field. I recommend a more nuanced approached - such as your interested in human behavior, interpersonal interactions, perhaps a personal or family experience of depression, etc.)

I think you are trying to say something very important here, and I would elaborate more on this. This jumped out at me - this issue of helping young women - which tells me that it is something of your own personal experience that you wish differently for others. This alone is fodder for the essay.)

From this talent and the ability to prioritize I was able to gain control over my daily life with other endeavors starting with school. I think you are conveying a lot of knowledge and skills here (including problem-solving skills and critical-thinking skills). I would try to relate this to the college itself, such as how and why these skills are applicable in your potential to do well in their psychology program.

I do not think you answered the professional goals part of the essay. What would you like to do with the degree in psychology? What do you see yourself doing in the future? How would you like or hope to leverage your degree? Etc.

I have great respect of single mothers. I think you will do well. Good luck!

Essays / Should I mention my health issue in my SOP? [12]

I do not see why you could not write about your personal experience. I think your fears are very real, and I indeed encourage you to further reflect what you are most comfortable in conveying to others, particularly regarding this important step forward. I think that is the first thing to consider. However, I think you have a beautiful narrative to tell by way of the experience. To return to your studies after the diagnosis? I think that shows great character and strength - material that is DEFINITELY fodder for admissions essays. On a more technical note, all universities are required by law to have accessible and equitable health services for students who may have particular needs. If they do not, then do you really want to go to that program? Again, I take your point and empathize with your fears around what talking about your personal experience may or may not do with regards to your chances for admission.

You have control over what and how you want to communicate to the readers. You can go into as much or as little detail as you want. Again, this is about YOUR comfort level without compromising your needs and goals. While (I believe) only the most cognizant of readers would take up the question of what happened during the 3-year gap, the essay should be about YOU - not because you want to answer 'what happened during those 3 years.' People who have struggled have a lot to teach us - what it means to suffer, to mourn, to fight, to try, and in the end, to do the best. I think you have a lot to talk about.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Extracurricular Activity jiu-jitsu- essay [5]

Hello. It may be helpful to know which specific essay prompt you answered from the CommonApp. This will help in reviewing your essay. Here is some general feedback:

- Overall, I think this is a good start. Speaking about your jiujitsu experience is eye-catching, it grabs attention right away. (It is also just super cool.)

- As with many college application essays, you will be evaluated, in part, on your ability to make a connection between past/current experience and your potential to do well in college. In writing your particular experience, ask yourself these questions: How is my experience of jiujitsu applicable to college studies and college life? How is the discipline and handwork inherent in the martial arts beneficial to me as a student? What are lessons learned and strengths/skills learned through the practice that I can translate to my college experience?

- Try to be as specific as possible without being wordy. As a general rule, avoid adjectives and adverbs unless absolutely necessary.

This is my short answer for my CommonApp.
If you could comment on it with helpful suggestions I would be much obliged. Good luck!

Graduate / 'Helping the victims' - An excerpt from my Statement of Purpose [3]