Please help on what what you think should be done to better my essay.
In a typed essay of no fewer than 300 words, please describe:
1.) Your reasons for applying to Empire State College;
2.) Your personal and professional goals, and what topics or areas you hope to study;
3.) Your strengths and experiences (educational, employment, community and personal background) that will make you a successful student in our learning environment.
When choosing a college, there are many factors to consider starting with academics, location, and cost. With this in mind I began my research and later narrowed my extensive search down to one school, Empire State College with a major in psychology.
Being a single mother location and cost were big aspects regarding my school decision, but with SUNY Empire my worry was quickly put to ease. With flexible study options and the choice to design my degree my way, I decide when and where I study at home, in school or both, and I can combine different areas into one degree that best fits me. These aspects really intrigued me being a full-time parent juggling two full-time positions in which I had the desire to continue my education but didn't see that happening until now.
Psychology has always been an interesting field to me. As a child I would often find many of my friends confiding in me with various situations where they would need someone to talk to. Having not much more experience in these situations than my friends, I would listen and give my honest unbiased opinion on what should be done. With this I grew a strong passion for helping people and also an interest in why humans act the way they do. Therefore the area of psychology that I will concentrate on is Human Behavior. Gaining knowledge in this area will give me insight on the way humans think and to also help me instill confidence and self worth into females across the U.S. As a strong advocate for women's self worth I personally empathize how hard it is to accomplish something when many young women feel they don't have the value to do so.
Being a high school senior and maintaining a part-time job in which I was able to pay all of my senior dues for graduation, I thought I was mature and responsible enough for the real world. I was proven wrong when I discovered I was pregnant shortly after graduation. Becoming a mother was a very fulfilling moment but was also faced with many challenges. Looking back as a new parent my daily schedule as a fulltime mother and employee became a very tedious one. My responsibilities escalated in which I had to put my priorities first and find another job to support my family. Acquiring to this was a quite difficult task but over time I developed the skill of time management. From this talent and the ability to prioritize I was able to gain control over my daily life with other endeavors starting with school.
Furthermore, I know that SUNY Empire State College would be a terrific fit for me. Having a fascination of people and the way they think I also know that Psychology in the area of human behavior would best suit me. Overcoming many obstacles and developing maturity I understood that the right choice was to better my education. With this decision I knew I would become better not only for myself but for my daughter.
Thank you for including the essay prompts. It is very helpful when editing and reviewing the material.
When choosing a college, there are many factors to consider starting with academics, location, and cost. With this in mind I began my research and later narrowed my extensive search down to one school, Empire State College with a major in psychology.I realize what you are trying to do here, but I would delete these. It is too general, for one thing, and you have a 300-word limit. You lose so much by writing a general statement. I think opening with "Being a single mother..." is beautiful and to the point. However, if you want to write a brief opening statement, I would gear towards something like: I AM PLEASED TO SUBMIT AN APPLICATION TO THE EMPIRE STATE COLLEGE.
Being a single mother(,) location and cost were(Keep to the present tense: ARE) big aspects regarding my school decision (Recommendation: ...ARE IMPORTANT FACTORS IN MY DECISION., but with SUNY Empire my worry was quickly put to ease.(A little too dramatic and hyperbolic. Keep it simple.) With flexible study options and the choice to design my degree my way(I would delete the second half of that statement. It is the same as the first part) , I decide when and where I study( - ) at home, in school or both, and I can combine different areas into one degree that best fits me.
These aspects really intrigued me being a full-time parent juggling two full-time positions in which I had the desire to continue my education but didn't see that happening until now.(Recommendation: AS A SINGLE MOTHER WITH TWO FULL-TIME POSITIONS, FLEXIBILITY IS KEY. Try to tie this statement with your previous one. I recommend restating it in a different way only because you are potentially setting yourself up for the question of WHY NOW - why now that you are interested in going back to school given the unique situation you are in as a single mother with 2 full-time jobs. Having said that, it is also fodder for further material and narrative in your essay - how being a single mother and having 2 full-time jobs will NOT 'get you down' because your interest in psychology is strong - or something to that effect.)
(As someone with a doctorate in psychology, I highly recommend that you DO NOT described your interest in psychology in this way. EVERYONE says the same thing. What you did and do with friends is something a good friend, such as yourself, will do - not necessarily because it is an interested in psychology. Also, psychology is more than listening to people's problems. This is like someone applying to law school and stating that they would make a good lawyer because they liked to argue as a child. It oversimplifies the field. I recommend a more nuanced approached - such as your interested in human behavior, interpersonal interactions, perhaps a personal or family experience of depression, etc.)
I think you are trying to say something very important here, and I would elaborate more on this. This jumped out at me - this issue of helping young women - which tells me that it is something of your own personal experience that you wish differently for others. This alone is fodder for the essay.)
From this talent and the ability to prioritize I was able to gain control over my daily life with other endeavors starting with school. I think you are conveying a lot of knowledge and skills here (including problem-solving skills and critical-thinking skills). I would try to relate this to the college itself, such as how and why these skills are applicable in your potential to do well in their psychology program.
I do not think you answered the professional goals part of the essay. What would you like to do with the degree in psychology? What do you see yourself doing in the future? How would you like or hope to leverage your degree? Etc.
I have great respect of single mothers. I think you will do well. Good luck!
