Undergraduate / Emory Supplement - ("I first heard of Emory through a friend") [4]

Prompt: Many students decide to apply to Emory University based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons as a possible college choice, why is Emory University a particularly good match for you?

Reading it over, it sounds REALLY corny in the beginning, I just cant find a good way to say it the way I want to say it...Any comments/critiques??

Imagine Emory University as a great rock band. There I am in the crowd; just one of the thousands of hardcore fans, wishing to one day meet with and get to know Emory personally and form an inseparable connection. As in the case of many artists I listen to today, I first heard of Emory through a friend. She had just been accepted into the university and seemed like the happiest person alive. This excitement from a particularly timid girl stimulated my interest and I began researching in order to find out as much as I could of, in her terms, "the best university out there". I scanned through websites, searched up information in college-informational books, and gathered the opinions of my friends, but I still wanted to discover more.

This summer, my fanatic dreams came true as I stepped onto the Emory campus and was optically mesmerized by the vivid red rooftops and vast diversity of students. The atmosphere, the people around me; everything just felt right. I left with a final memorabilia: a requested informational booklet. Inside were countless photos of current students and in-depth information of everything from student spotlights to facts about Atlanta. One picture truly stood out and reaffirmed my desire to attend Emory: a seemingly endless number of grinning students proudly holding up their miniature Coke cups as if to make a toast. I looked over this picture numerous times and could not once find a person with a frown.

Asides from the evident excellence in academic courses, the impressive campus, and the fact that it is located in one of the 'most livable cities', I believe Emory University offers me a chance to step outside my home and feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to benefit Emory in its mission to remain "an inquiry-driven, ethically engaged, and diverse community". I want to be able to raise my Coke cup high in the air and say, "I'm not just a fan anymore; I'm fulfilling my dream".

Undergraduate / 'Babysitting to earn cash' - Notre Dame Supplement [3]

Prompt: The Rev. John I. Jenkins, C.S.C., President of the University of Notre Dame, said in his Inaugural Address that, "If we are afraid to be different from the world, how can we make a difference in the world?" In what way do you feel you are different from your peers, and how will this shape your contribution to the Notre Dame community?

"Babysitting has become a popular way for teenagers to earn some quick cash. However, I've known very few males who admit to babysitting. Why do I do it? I developed a passion for, not only interacting with, but understanding children. In a sense, I'm trying to respect my deceased brother. His death wasn't like many others: he wasn't diagnosed with a life-threatening disease, he didn't smoke or drink. He was run over at the age of 3. It happened so unexpectedly; we never had a chance to experience those touching 'final moments' and the last sound I heard from him was his tragic scream.

To people my age, they may seem bothersome and inferior, but I've come to value the children of today for their innocence and future potential. Through babysitting, I've learned a great deal on how to communicate with different ranges of people and interpret their feelings through their actions and tone. I believe that a community depends on the willingness of its inhabitants to cooperate with each other. I hope that my intimate sense of communicative skills will only result in benefiting Notre Dame's interactive community. With my brother's image clear in my mind, I'll address my upcoming obstacles face to face and work diligently to unify the community in every way possible. In a year's time, I hope to look back and see a reinforced connection between students and professors alike."

Not sure if it really correlates with the prompt or even if the structure has a coherent flow. All suggestions would be appreciated. :)