Posts by veyronalexander

veyronalexander

Sep 8, 2012

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to go BIG' - UT admission essay [11]

Hey3..I just realized...i never did ask how long its suppose to be. So how long is it suppose to be?

veyronalexander

Sep 6, 2012

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to go BIG' - UT admission essay [11]

NO PROBLEM!!! :D.. glad that you liked my suggestions...so....can you read my essay plzz!!? :D :D. it would be much appreciated!

veyronalexander

Sep 4, 2012

Undergraduate / Someone who influenced me University of Texas @ Austin; The art of communication [4]

Its a really good essay!. but it seems to me that the whole essay surrounded your cousin and then u decided to squeeze in that last line showing how he impacted you. I think you need to place more emphasis on the impact He had on you since the colleges just really want to know about you.. Do you see what im saying?

veyronalexander

Sep 4, 2012

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to go BIG' - UT admission essay [11]

Hey ,first i would like to say that what you have written is a good essay. I really like it since it talks about you personally and what your long term goals are..overall, it presents you as a really focused person with a plan. But, It is a bit confusing.

Now for the corrections: I think that there are too many I's. and a bit too much of the word 'goal'...use aim, mission, objective...something. but give poor goal a break. :P

[ I have a goal I began to set standards] (Its suppose to be begin, not began).

Third sentence is kinda run-on, insert a comma after college student and after standard. (wont be so hard to read then)

At the beginning of the fourth sentence, you can remove the word today and place the word Presently at the start of the sentence( Presently, being a college sophomore in my final semester at Houston community college, It has been a long standing goal of mine to complete my tertiary education at University of Texas...)

[font#FF0000My goal and only job has ever been to become a successful Judge since the age of 4, only better understanding and growing fonder of the field of studies as I have aged discovering that I wanted to go BIG, looking into Judicial criminal law.] ...THIS SENTENCE IS CONFUSING! ...I get what you are trying to say but try this way ( Ever since the age of 4, it was always my intention to become a lawyer, but as the years passed i became more knowledgeable on the different careers in Law and i realized that I do not want to settle with being 'just a lawyer'. I wanted to go BIG. So I made the decision that nothing would stop me from becoming a Judge.

Not only do I want to become a Judge but also a strong woman involved in the political and criminal scope of law enforcement. It is very important to me as well as a dream of mine to become the best in any career I pursue not only for myself, but for the persons I will have to serve. By striving for the best education possible, propelled by my desire to learn and my ability to connect theory and reality, I know I have the foundation needed to become a great Judge! I believe what makes one the best at what they do is succeeding through hard work and studying their career to the fullest; front and back, inside and out while bringing their knowledge into action for the real world. Although I am passionate about this field, i think that what will make me a success is the fact that i continuously challenge the barriers of learning by applying hard work and perseverance to achieve my goals. Of all the different universities, i feel that University of Texas is the best place for me to further develop myself as it is a melting pot flavored not only with academic development, but also mentally and socially as the institution is populated by individuals from different backgrounds with different opinions who will without a doubt challenge my views and my ability to think for myself.

You can further add that it will help develop a stronger persona blah blah blah..all of which will be necessary to become a good judge

Please read my essay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

veyronalexander

Sep 4, 2012

Undergraduate / Personal Essay: VISIT FROM MADAMOISELLE ALOPECIA [3]

Hey guys.. this is my common app. personal essay. It is based on a topic of my choice.
It is suppose to be 500 words so please help me make it shorter...any comments and suggestions are COMPLETELY welcomed!!!!
P.S.. im really excited seeing that im a new member and this is my first thread! :D

VISIT FROM MADAMOISELLE ALOPECIA.
When my hair started falling out, the scene from that movie flashed through my mind where the girl was on her knees in her bathtub holding chunks of wet hair in her palms while screaming and rocking as vibrations reverberated through her entire body. It started with odd flakiness which was immediately disregarded as dry scalp which I treated with my favorite hair oil. The dry scalp became progressively worse and when my first bald patch appeared I was rushed to the dermatologist who diagnosed me with alopecia, which was caused ironically by my favorite hair oil that was too thick and clogged my pores which led to suffocating hair follicles which led to alopecia. Many questions went through my mind: Am I dying? Would I have to wear a wig? Is my baldness permanent? But the question I asked myself the most was how would I face everyone at school when I was going bald? I would have rather died than be laughed at, scorned and pitied. I was in the 9th grade which was the time when you developed as an individual, and really determine the group of friends you hung out with; not be classed as sick and freakish.

At that time it was so bad that I could only wear my hair in a ponytail that took so long to construct as it was nearly impossible to hide my bald spots. I remember one particular day in Social Studies class; we were divided into groups to work on a project. I was fully immersed in my work when one group member suddenly said "Cardolisa, what happen to the middle of your head? It don't have no hair" Immediately, all the group members stopped working and I could feel their eyes bore into my head. So this was what a lab rat felt like. I was so humiliated and I felt the tears threaten to fall but luckily enough a quick excuse for my baldness sprung from my lips "It's just the way my hair is parted". I nonchalantly brushed my hand over my hair, covering the bald patch happy that no one realized or commented on the obvious fact that my hair was in a ponytail so the patch showing in my head could not have being a hairstyle. When I reached home that evening I cried so hard and prayed even harder for just the shadow of a strand to defy the progressive baldness that was quickly replacing my hair. During the time my alopecia ran its course I had this lingering fear that someone would mess up my hair just to gleefully showcase my baldness for the world to see.

A few months later, my hair started to grow back and now it is thicker than ever. But my experience with such a disease that caused so many life altering changes removed all traces of the unsure and "inexperienced in life's trials" woman I am sure I would have become and replaced her with someone stronger, bolder and more confident but not yet completely unafraid of what life has in store. Now I look back on my 9th grade self and thought of how childish and young I was with just a hint of criticism but then I realized how strong I was to have experience what I went through at such a vulnerable age and that it is from that same strength I exist today.

veyronalexander

Sep 4, 2012

Undergraduate / Engineering is where my passion lies; MECHANICAL ENGINEERING [4]

"The short essay is about passion in engineering. why choose engineering. career aspiration. who and what inspires me to be an engineer."

My name is Gao wen, and I am currently studying in Mechanical Engineering at NTU.Engineering is where my passion lies. I see myself following the footsteps of many successful professional engineer because it allows me to apply my interests to the real world, making a practical difference to those around me by applying the skills I have learnt. Career-wise, I have always aspired become a social robot designer. It has always been a saying of mine that a neat functional robot can only exist as a result of mastery in engineering. so in order to aid in my pursuit this dream, I will seek a job related to automation system design engineering which can offer experience, and added professionalism which will only bring me closer to my goal. I always ask myself who and what inspires me to be an engineer.Ever since I was a kid, Japanese cartoon robots always fascinated me, but what really drove me along the engineering path was the knowledge that these cartoon robots were built based on something real and tangible, something that i can accomplish.

(Check the Grammar) (Are you applying as freshman?..If so, does the school approve of you working because you insinuated that u planned to work during your freshman year)