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Posts by DeNeil10
Joined: Aug 22, 2012
Last Post: Aug 31, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 6  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
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DeNeil10   
Aug 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Sharing information with Carliza' - personal statement.. to be ivy league worthy [2]

I can tell that you have a real passion for this topic, but have some suggestions.
Might want to shorten this sentence

Ever since then, I have loved to teach, learn, read, write, silently observe, and debate, particularly about the brain.

to something like "Ever since then, I have loved to research, debate, and even educate.."

Same goes for

I want to comprehend the difference between the adult and teen brain. If I can cognize fight or flight, attraction, addiction, impulses, bliss, stress, and mental diseases,

Also, the last sentence is a bit confusing..I think there might be a typo or missing word in there.

Otherwise, great essay and good luck.
DeNeil10   
Aug 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'world-class faculty' - Princeton Engineering Supplement Essay help [2]

Hey guys, was wondering if you could critique my supplement essay for Princeton? It's my reach school, and since it's would be in-state I thought I might as well apply. Let me know if you need any more information.

Prompt:

If you are interested in pursuing a B.S.E. (Bachelor of Science in Engineering) degree, please write a 300-500 word essay describing why you are interested in studying engineering, any experiences in or exposure to engineering you have had, and how you think the programs in engineering offered at Princeton suit your particular interests.

Essay:

At a young age, I wondered how a person designed a machine that allowed people to connect with friends sitting thousands of miles away, and, how this machine could perform extremely complex tasks, such as outwitting its own designer at a game of chess. After pondering over such questions for quite some time, I decided I wanted to discover the answers to these questions and seek the knowledge required to design such super computers. The School of Engineering and Applied Science at Princeton University will enable me to do just that.

The world-class faculty available at Princeton will be instrumental in achieving my dream. I hope to one day work with Assistant Professor Rakesh Kumar at the GigaScale Systems Research Center (GSRC). I plan on assisting him with some of his excellent research ideas, such as creating a low power and error-free computer.

I also intend to make use of the research facilities geared towards helping engineering students, available at Princeton. I will utilize centers such as the GSRC to explore projects in system platform design. In recent years, companies like Apple have found ways to build smaller and more efficient computers that perform tasks quicker than their counterparts. Learning how to do this is pivotal for my future as more companies plan on following suit. The GSRC offers students an environment in which ideas like this thrive and become more than just ideas; they become a reality. The resources available at the college's research centers will help me to explore the field and refine my goals.

Princeton will supply me with the necessary tools to excel in the engineering field. With countless world-class research facilities such as the GSRC, Princeton offers an abundance of resources to foster creative minds, making it an ideal place for me to pursue a degree in computer engineering. I plan to utilize the knowledge I will gain at Princeton, by building a smaller, smarter and more efficient computer.
DeNeil10   
Aug 22, 2012
Grammar, Usage / English sentence, does this make sense? [10]

Not as expert by any means, but might suggest rewording it to:

Also used as an advanced imaging technique, is contrast-enhanced technology, which involves intravascular microbubble, that produce images of tumor cells.
DeNeil10   
Aug 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Common App Long Essay about immigration and global community [7]

Revised version: (thanks for the help dixiej):

I looked out the window to see that I was roughly 30,000 feet above the ocean. A few hours earlier, my mom told me to pack my things because we were headed to the United States to live with my dad. At first, I was neither afraid nor surprised. After all, my family was always moving because of my father's job; since birth, I have lived in over ten different houses. The United States, however, was much bigger than any other place I had lived, so was obviously a little nervous. So as I sat, looking down at the majestic ocean, I pondered over life in America. As the small dingy apartments and familiar language of my world disappeared, I wondered how I would fit in to this new community. Would I be able to understand teachers? Would I make new friends? While the plane descended, I caught my first glimpse of my new country and these questions raced through my head. Green marshes, long straight roads, and lavish bridges covered the land below. The differences between India and New Jersey were stark and the contrast did nothing to calm my nerves. For the first time in my life, I was legitimately afraid.

Then, as I came out of the terminal, I saw a strange sight. The airport was filled with many different types of people. There were Caucasians, Africans, Asians and even some Indians walking around without a second thought to each other. I heard people talking with Cockney accents, others talking in Mandarin, or was it Japanese? These people must have been scared like me when they first arrived, yet they seemed comfortable now. Realizing that they probably overcame the same fears I was feeling, settled my nerves. After all, deep down we are all the same-human.

On my first day of school, I was again reminded of the cultural diversity present in America. I sat next to a Chinese boy in class, and even my teacher was African American. At my old school, everyone spoke the same language, and of course they were all Indian. Before my first day ended, I managed to find a fellow Indian during recess. I greeted him in Hindi, but he answered with a perplexed look; he had no idea what I was saying. Looking back, maybe it was naïve of me to expect that he also knew the language.

As I learned English, and gained confidence, my circle of friends grew. At lunch, I sat with a Japanese boy, a Polish girl, and the Indian kid I met at recess. We shared our lunches, and thus tried different cuisines. While I still don't like sushi, I could never thank my Polish friend enough for introducing me to Kielbasa sausages! Obviously, food is not the only benefit of having such diverse friends; my friend's parents taught me a lot about their cultures whenever I visited. For example, I learned how to make origami structures, as well as about Kimono (Japanese clothing) and how it differs for married and unmarried women.

While at first I was nervous, I eventually embraced America's multiculturalism and have learned much about the world in the process. As a result of immigrating to America, I learned that while we might all come from different places we are still one global community.
DeNeil10   
Aug 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Common App Long Essay about immigration and global community [7]

Hey guys, just joined. Was wondering if you could tell me how I could improve this essay? If you need an idea of what type of colleges I am applying to, let me know.

Thanks!

I looked out the window to see that I was roughly 30,000 feet above the ocean. A few hours earlier, I was in India playing outside with my cousins when my mom told me to pack my things because we were headed to the United States to live with my dad. I was neither afraid nor surprised; my family was always moving because of my father's job. Since birth, I have lived in over ten different houses. The United States, however, was much bigger than any other place I had lived, so was obviously a little nervous. So as I sat, looking down at the majestic ocean, I pondered over life in America. As the small dingy apartments and familiar language of my world disappeared, I wondered how I would make new friends. Would I be able to understand teachers? Would I make new friends? These thoughts raced through my head as the plane descended, and as I caught my first glimpse of my new country. Green marshes, long straight roads, and lavish bridges covered the land below. The differences between India and New Jersey were stark. These images did nothing to calm my nerves. For the first time in my life, I was legitimately afraid.

Then, as I came out of the terminal, I saw a strange sight. The airport was filled with many different types of people. There were Caucasians, Africans, Asians and even some Indians walking around without a second thought to each other. I heard people talking with Cockney accents, others talking in Mandarin, or was it Japanese? These people must have been scared like me when they first arrived, yet they seemed comfortable now. Realizing that they probably overcame the same fears I was feeling, settled my nerves. After all, deep down we are all the same-human.

On my first day of school, I was again reminded of the cultural diversity present in America. I sat next to a Chinese boy in class, and even my teacher was African American. At my old school, everyone spoke the same language, and of course they were all Indian. Before my first day ended, I managed to find a fellow Indian during recess. I greeted him in Hindi, but he answered with a perplexed look; he had no idea what I was saying. Looking back, maybe it was naïve of me to expect that my life here would be the same as in India.

As I learned English, and gained confidence, my circle of friends grew. At lunch, I sat with a Japanese boy, a Polish girl, and the Indian kid I met at recess. We shared our lunches, and thus tried different cuisines. While I still don't like sushi, I could never thank my Polish friend enough for introducing me to Kielbasa sausages!

While at first I was nervous, I eventually embraced America's multiculturalism and have learned much about the world in the process. As a result of immigrating to America, I realized that while we might all come from different places we are still one global community.
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