victoration1
Aug 30, 2012
Undergraduate / "it's an adrenaline rush" - NYU- What intrigues you [4]
It's very well written and its message is well-delivered but for a few grammatical and flow issues.
"In another, music gives a social movement a voice or an identity, connecting like minded individuals by sound; furthermore , music can..."
The flow between "preparing to hit the field with confidence." and " In another, music gives a social..." could also be improved. Presently it seems amateurish (no offence). "Professional" writing is always smooth and every sentence segues meaningfully into the next.
It's very well written and its message is well-delivered but for a few grammatical and flow issues.
"In another, music gives a social movement a voice or an identity, connecting like minded individuals by sound; furthermore , music can..."
The flow between "preparing to hit the field with confidence." and " In another, music gives a social..." could also be improved. Presently it seems amateurish (no offence). "Professional" writing is always smooth and every sentence segues meaningfully into the next.
