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Posts by amcd [Suspended]
Joined: Sep 11, 2012
Last Post: Sep 16, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 4  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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amcd   
Sep 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 1 in 88 children in the world are affected by Autism [2]

THIS IS A VERY ROUGH DRAFT:

Prompt:
[Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.]

Essay:

1 in 88 children in the world are affected by Autism. In 1999, my family became a part of this statistic. My youngest sister was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism that affects a person's capabilities of communicating effectively with others, when I was about 5. This situation forced me to understand the affects it can have on a household's attitude, whether they are good or bad. With a new perspective on the world, I learned to develop compassion and love for others.

Growing up in a home where Autism was present, I discovered many of the differences a child with Autism may have. However, I understood from a young age that "being different" is not a flaw in character. My younger sister affected me in a way that is indescribably remarkable. All my years in school I was never one to join in on the teasing of underprivileged children, in fact, I did the exact opposite. My junior year of high school I was inspired to give back to the world of autism and began planning and organizing a community event, Burgers for Aspergers, to spread awareness about Autism. During this time of working with a nationwide organization, Autism Speaks Inc., innate qualities became apparent in my life such as communication skills and organization due to the months spent advertising and meeting with community leaders, raising money and support. The community came together in such an unbelievable way donating almost everything needed for the event. [This includes: bounce houses, food, band, venue, money]. My sister sang her heart out at the event, leaving not a dry eye in the stands. Burgers for Aspergers was an annual event raising a net amount of $15,000 for Autism research. This was an extremely humbling experience, due to the fact that I could not have succeeded without the inspiration of my younger sister.

Autism may be a disorder causing an appearance or personality difference in a person, but this does not limit the opportunities. My sister did not only affect the community showing that she had talents just as they do, but I was also affected in the way of seeing everyone as an equal. I would not be the person I am today if it were not for the "difference" I have in my family.
amcd   
Sep 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'An incredible bond with an amazing group of people' Common App Essay -FIRST Robotics [3]

["I probably wouldn't even be out of this dump by the time they leave, even if they did want me to come!" I wailed to her.] << This line does not make sense, who are you talking to?

[Each day I would go to school, come home, watch the competition while doing my homework, eat dinner, and then go to bed. I vowed that nothing would get in my way of being at that competition the next year with the best robot at the competition.]<< The word "competition" shows up three times in two sentences. I would find a different word to use or take it out

To shorten the essay a bit I would form this [Flash forward to Saturday, January 7, 2012. Kickoff. Today we find out what we'll be working on for the next six weeks. I get to school at 2:45, US history textbook in tow. I grab a piece of pizza, say hi to a few friends, then go and study in a corner until the broadcast starts, and well into it as I only half-listen to the seemingly endless speeches. ] into one shorter sentence.

Honestly, to shorten it up, you could take out the entire third paragraph. The essay would work without it. If not, make sure to fix the word "organisers" to "organizers"

It's a good essay, a couple of sentences that you could make into one. A couple spelling errors.
amcd   
Sep 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / Autism Vs vaccines essay - the Controversy [2]

Essay sounded awesome! I have a younger sister with Autism, and I loved this! Do you at least have a thesis statement?

"Child vaccines are unsafe and should not be administered to infants" - Example Thesis

A thesis would help you know what you want to write about.
amcd   
Sep 12, 2012
Graduate / ' Shaquille O'Neal's weight' - UT Rough Draft [NEW]

Okay, so here is my VERY ROUGH DRAFT essay following this prompt:

I do not want my essay to sound like I am making an excuse. Also, if you see a sentence and think "man this would be great if she said it like this" then by all means tell me! Give me some different words to use! ANYTHING!!!

Because of Shaquille O'Neal's outstanding weight: height ratio, he is considered to be morbidly obese according the physical educators. This fact, however, is what makes him considerably one of the greatest basketball players the NBA has ever seen. Just like this scenario, a low high school GPA does not depict a student's true academic intelligence or work ethics.

My junior year in high school I was forced to move from a small private school to a growing public school. This move damaged my class rank and GPA tremendously due to the difference in grading systems from a non-state school to a state school. I managed to keep an A/B average my first two years, and had a 3.6 GPA. After the move, I was informed by my counselor that I was in the lower half of my class because of the Honors class system. This news was devastating and forced me to kick it up a notch. My junior and senior year of high school I worked harder than ever before, while also getting extremely involved in the community. I raised my GPA a great deal and was able to jumped nearly 20% higher in my class rank.

I am not using this experience as an excuse in any way. I am actually very grateful I was able to go through this hardship, reason being that I am now a more dedicated student and understand what it is like to have to work hard for something. I never got down on myself through the time; instead I pushed myself more to the limit to meet my academic expectations. My ACT score justifiably shows my hard work. I know I would not be the person I am today if I did not go through this adversity. I am now one of four chairmen in one of the biggest campus community service events while maintaining a [I want to say like a great college GPA. I have a 4.0 as of this progress report, but I don't think it will sound impressive since I just started school]
amcd   
Sep 12, 2012
Essays / How to start an admission essay about myself? [67]

I would begin with something that shows that you are different than the average student. Something that makes you unique to grab the readers attention.
amcd   
Sep 11, 2012
Undergraduate / UT Austin SOP - experience of moving from a private school to a public school [3]

I am applying to UT Austin and need to write an essay.

I am going to write about my experience of moving from a private school to a public school. I chose this because even though I made all A's and B's throughout high-school this move ruined my GPA. The private school was not a state school therefore, the grading system was much different. When I transferred I was in the bottom half of the class. When I graduated I jumped 60 people.

I want UT to know I am not just an idiot, and there is reasoning behind my high-school transcript. I also don't want it to sound like an excuse.

PLEASE HELP!!!
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