aysan
Sep 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS -Eating in many Western countries [3]
Hi Anamaria
You have good talent of writing, but I should say your essay does not have any characteristics of an IELTS essay. You know, you did not answer the task fully and your writing does not have structure.
IELTS essay should be structured; it should consist of an introduction paragraph, 2 or 3 body paragraphs and a conclusion paragraph. you have written some introductory and conclusive sentences but not paragraphs. IELTS essay should be coherent and cohesion, I mean the ideas and information should be presented logically and you should always link sentences with appropriate linking expressions for example: in addition, moreover,besides,furthermore...
You should always be clear about your ideas, and you should know in how many paragraphs are you going to discuss them. Each paragraph should involve an topic and some supportive and developing sentence.
The whole topic of your essay is : whether western people should change their diet or not
Through your essay I find out that you agree that they should change their diet, this should be stated in your essay. Body paragraphs should explain why you think in this way
I think your reason is because this diet is not so healthy and meanwhile it does not save time and money for people. So you can have two paragraphs. In first one you will discuss the reasons why the present diet of western people is not so healthy. you can describe that the diet comprise of junk and fast food which are full of fat and this is very harmful to our health. you can give some alternative choice as healthy food that can be used instead of unhealthy diet.
In the second paragraph, you can argue that in spite of the fact that people think fast food can save time and money, it cost us high both in time and in money. because fast food cause lots of diseases that later we may have to waste large amount of money and time to be cured. you can develop your idea by giving some example of these disease(diabetes, obesity,...)
Dear Anamiaria , try to read some sample answers for IELTS writing through net or books.
I hope this would help you
Hi Anamaria
You have good talent of writing, but I should say your essay does not have any characteristics of an IELTS essay. You know, you did not answer the task fully and your writing does not have structure.
IELTS essay should be structured; it should consist of an introduction paragraph, 2 or 3 body paragraphs and a conclusion paragraph. you have written some introductory and conclusive sentences but not paragraphs. IELTS essay should be coherent and cohesion, I mean the ideas and information should be presented logically and you should always link sentences with appropriate linking expressions for example: in addition, moreover,besides,furthermore...
You should always be clear about your ideas, and you should know in how many paragraphs are you going to discuss them. Each paragraph should involve an topic and some supportive and developing sentence.
The whole topic of your essay is : whether western people should change their diet or not
Through your essay I find out that you agree that they should change their diet, this should be stated in your essay. Body paragraphs should explain why you think in this way
I think your reason is because this diet is not so healthy and meanwhile it does not save time and money for people. So you can have two paragraphs. In first one you will discuss the reasons why the present diet of western people is not so healthy. you can describe that the diet comprise of junk and fast food which are full of fat and this is very harmful to our health. you can give some alternative choice as healthy food that can be used instead of unhealthy diet.
In the second paragraph, you can argue that in spite of the fact that people think fast food can save time and money, it cost us high both in time and in money. because fast food cause lots of diseases that later we may have to waste large amount of money and time to be cured. you can develop your idea by giving some example of these disease(diabetes, obesity,...)
Dear Anamiaria , try to read some sample answers for IELTS writing through net or books.
I hope this would help you