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IELTS -Eating in many Western countries

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Sep 21, 2012   #1

I just wrote the following essay for IELTS preparation and I need feedback.
Don't be gentile at all! :)

Some people claim that what people eat in many Western countries is unhealthy and that their diet is getting worse. Critics say that these countries should changes their diet.

What are your opinion on that?

Nowadays people tend to concern about a lot of daily issues, they are overwhelmed with daily activities, but one major topic is left behind: the one regarding the healthiness of our lives.

Almost any day of the week you can look at a newspaper and read stories about youth having problem with weight, with people suffering from diabetes, and a lot of people trying to get rid of the extra kilos.

But what do we actually do? Are we trying to solve this problem, or we are just ignoring it, acting like is something natural, and we have nothing to do in order to solve these issues.

Overweight is going to be one of the biggest global problem that our generation will face, if we don't take attitude.
The aim of this essay is to demonstrate that individuals must take responsibility for their own health, and make the right decisions about the food they are eating.

In fact we all need to eat in order to survive and to be healthy. Why are we Western people, using this against us?
There are some cultures, for example Italian one, where people eat in order to enjoy it and they consider this as an hobby. They have a large variety of typical food, that not only is bery tasty, but is very healthy as well.

Instead of copying this lifestyle, we can see that the number of fast foods is increasing considerably. No matter age, or gender, more and more people tend to eat more junk food.

Also supermarkets have a large variety of products, that are easy to cook, but that are so harmful for our lives.
Sometimes is cheaper and quicker to eat unhealthy, but do we really save time and money acting like this?
To draw a conclusion as we still do not understand the long-term effects of a modern diet on our health, more research is needed to make realistic diagnoses.

aysan - / 4  
Sep 21, 2012   #2
Hi Anamaria
You have good talent of writing, but I should say your essay does not have any characteristics of an IELTS essay. You know, you did not answer the task fully and your writing does not have structure.

IELTS essay should be structured; it should consist of an introduction paragraph, 2 or 3 body paragraphs and a conclusion paragraph. you have written some introductory and conclusive sentences but not paragraphs. IELTS essay should be coherent and cohesion, I mean the ideas and information should be presented logically and you should always link sentences with appropriate linking expressions for example: in addition, moreover,besides,furthermore...

You should always be clear about your ideas, and you should know in how many paragraphs are you going to discuss them. Each paragraph should involve an topic and some supportive and developing sentence.

The whole topic of your essay is : whether western people should change their diet or not
Through your essay I find out that you agree that they should change their diet, this should be stated in your essay. Body paragraphs should explain why you think in this way

I think your reason is because this diet is not so healthy and meanwhile it does not save time and money for people. So you can have two paragraphs. In first one you will discuss the reasons why the present diet of western people is not so healthy. you can describe that the diet comprise of junk and fast food which are full of fat and this is very harmful to our health. you can give some alternative choice as healthy food that can be used instead of unhealthy diet.

In the second paragraph, you can argue that in spite of the fact that people think fast food can save time and money, it cost us high both in time and in money. because fast food cause lots of diseases that later we may have to waste large amount of money and time to be cured. you can develop your idea by giving some example of these disease(diabetes, obesity,...)

Dear Anamiaria , try to read some sample answers for IELTS writing through net or books.
I hope this would help you
OP color 3 / 4  
Sep 22, 2012   #3
Thank you very much for the feedback. This was my first essay for IELTS, so I don't have very clear the structure in mind.

I will rewrite my essay, and I will post the new version soon.

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