Unanswered [9] | Urgent [0]

Posts by northnaomi
Joined: Sep 16, 2012
Last Post: Oct 14, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  

From: United States

Displayed posts: 4
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Sep 16, 2012
Scholarship / 'getting that award' - Quest Bridge National College Match: Essay #2 [3]

- "But when I got that grade back on my Algebra II/ Trigonometry Regents" >> a grade back on what.. a test? final grade? needs specification

- "I had been bad at math my entire high school life" >> replace with something like " I had been bad in math throughout my entire high school career".

- "and after most of the kids had left I stilled remained confused" >> consider rephrasing this sentence. It takes a while to understand what you mean when you talk about the other kids. did you mean that they left because they understood the lesson? or because the session was over?

- "I did every possible Trigonometry Regents from the year two thousand to the most recent one" >> what do you mean by this ? what are regents ? from the year two thousand to the most recent one... I don't think you need to mention that, it feels like it makes your sentence drag.

- " I walked to the stage and got my award, as I sat back down my friends congratulated me and browsed my award, just as surprised as I. " >> replace with something like " I walked to the stage and received my award. As I sat back down, my friends congratulated me and browsed my award; they were just as surprised as I was! "

- "That junior year I had left feeling accomplished" >> "I finished my junior year with a great feeling of accomplishment"

This is a good essay, and I wrote everything I thought needed to be worked on. It is a good subject, but you need to make your sentences flow more.

Good job keep it up!
Sep 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I went to a French school' - UC, Where you come from and your world. [3]

Thank you very much for your advice! Aside from what you mentioned in your earlier comment, was there anything else you noticed that didn't make sense or that you thought I should omit?

I am just wondering to what extent it needs work.
Thanks again I really appreciate this. Although I moved here 8 years ago writing is far from being my strong point.
Also, I wanted to use this idea of having these "doors", do you have any idea of how I could include that without making it sound weird or out of place ?

I noticed you also posted some essays, I will try to help you on those as soon as I can as well ! It would only be fair
Sep 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I went to a French school' - UC, Where you come from and your world. [3]

Could you review my essay please? I am not sure if I am answering the question completely, as I know the personal statement prompts have questions within the question.

If you notice any english mistakes, please tell me! Any help is much appreciated.
The prompt is: describe the world you come from-- for example your family, community, or school-- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Thank you!

PS: Also, do you have any tips for my final sentence? I am questioning my wording..

The pilot announced the plane's takeoff. I looked out the window, starring at what I had once called home. As the plane launched into the air, I spotted the Eiffel Tower and watched it shrink until I could no longer see it. At that time, I truly did not realize the change I was about to face in my life. A new culture, school, home, language... It was all beyond the 8-year old that I was.

However, I quickly learned that life is all about change. When we moved, my parents and I worked together to adapt to our new lifestyle. We arrived in the middle of my 3rd year of elementary school. I first went to a French school for a year and a half. However, I transferred into a small Lutheran school in 5th grade. This is where change truly began for me. I was finally introduced to America's ideals, language, kids, and so on. My parents encouraged me to get involved in extra-curricular activities and to get a taste of everything life offered. They taught me how to work hard, and to make the most out the things I decided to do.

I remained in that school until 8th grade. By that time, I had made it up to varsity band in playing the flute, joined the volleyball and basketball teams, and won 3 of the 4 school spelling bees I had participated in. The world I grew up in is one of motivation. Due to this, I maintained an honor roll throughout middle school and succeeded in being accepted into fairly selective high school.

Moving from Paris to Los Angeles entirely shaped my life. It popped that comforting bubble a lot of us live in. I got a glimpse of the outside world, and was given the key to open all of these doors the United States offers us. If my parents hadn't decided to move, chances are I would not be bilingual, nor would I attend an American university! I would not be the fulfilled person I am today, with the hopes of building a successful career in the future.

Now has come the time in my life to choose which door I will open with this key I was given. I have chosen the one that leads to the University of California. I believe the world I grew up in gave me what it takes to turn that key and succeed in a hard working environment like that of this university's.
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