Undergraduate / 'performing a traditional Thai dance' - Extracurricular Essay [15]

I would recommend that you find a specific part of cultural dancing that has affected you or a specific part that has affected you from cultural dancing. The ideas you want to express to the audience are broad. Give examples, such as the negative or positive response from students has helped you feel unique and special. :D ( My topic is similar to yours, read mine!)

Undergraduate / 'performing a traditional Thai dance' - Extracurricular Essay [15]

If it was my writing, I would rewrite "Dance has held me from sleepovers, late mornings and much deserved sleep but I would not exchange it for anything".

It is rather awkward and irrevelant when you suddenly transitioned from describing about a cultural dance you did to it helping you from sleepovers.
Also I got confused on what you were trying to tell me, perspective of cultural dancing or how dancing affects/is you. However, I enjoyed reading the rich details you added in your performance experiance. :D