Posts by cdunk

cdunk

Sep 23, 2012

Undergraduate / 'a team captain' - Extracurricular Essay Common App ADVICE [5]

Cross country defines my identity: determination, discipline, and commitment. These life lessons can be applied to in the real world.

okay in that case , it's pretty much fine as it is. Yet again this statement might want to be changed into something like "Cross country defines my identity : determination, discipline and commitment, which are all life lessons that can be applied in the real world" give or take on it. I just feel as if it is a cliff hanger...

but the rest matches the prompt directly, good job!

cdunk

Sep 23, 2012

Undergraduate / "What is diversity?" - Diversity and How I can Contribute ESSAY [5]

Thanks Hannah, I kind of figured. I have to figure out how exactly to do that. I know i need transitions .

cdunk

Sep 23, 2012

Undergraduate / "What is diversity?" - Diversity and How I can Contribute ESSAY [5]

( this is the last half i came up with)

Two of my main hobbies, have taught me several characteristic, and aspects that I believe could help better any diversity. I grew up around horses my whole life. Horseback riding taught me how to have courage, self-esteem and determination ; three traits a significant amount of teenagers and young adults lack or have tad bit of. These traits will benefit the diversity because I could provide a positive and encouraging environment around me, to help my peers succeed. My other hobby ; fire fighting has taught me, patience, safety, and that everyone has a support system even though it may not seem like it. Going into a university may be rough for the upcoming freshman class, they may think noone is there for them, because we don't know one another. Maybe even try to rush through everything just to get it over with. I can show others that there will always be at least ONE person there for them, to support them; that person would be me. A little bit of support can go a long way in a big world - sometimes that is all a person needs.

Diversity is everywhere you go, there is no way to get around it. I may not come from a different country, or have an unusual family background that makes me completely diverse like others, but I have a strong grasp around the general concept that allows me to devote my personality, and specific characteristics to a community/environment/campus to better it in time and I would love to have the chance to prove that at the University of ********.

PLEASE critique , I had a major writers block & just wrote what came to mind, all advice is appreciated

cdunk

Sep 23, 2012

Letters / 'The dress, a generious gift' - FCE Writing task thank you letter [3]

"~~And~~T he most wonderful thing is that it has just ca me this morning, on this special day. What a nice surprised !"
* What is striked out I would strongly recommend getting rid of.
*What's in red is corrections.

I feel like you over use the word "wonderful" , you should explain what your "special day" was.

I know a Thank You letter is not ment to be as formal as most writing pieces and may not need as much detail, I do feel that it does lack detail.

This piece has potential to being a good writing task / Thank you letter though, good luck !

cdunk

Sep 23, 2012

Undergraduate / 'a team captain' - Extracurricular Essay Common App ADVICE [5]

I feel like your last sentence needs slightly more, like HOW they can be used or something brief, because you're 'essay' described the cross country event, and what you learned but not really how it was applied. But, i'm unsure to what the prompt was asking.

You're first sentence, really caught my eye and kept me interested though!
Goodluck.

cdunk

Sep 23, 2012

Essays / UT Austin- Person of Influence Essay Snowboarding [2]

I took a few writing classes and got numerous tips on how to to start papers, they are activities that allow you to "brain-storm" which I strongly believe you to do.

* Looping ; you write down 10 things you like / know about "snowboarding" . then write down a list of 10 things you dislike or can improve about that. Then you circle one that stands out the most in each list , circle it & write two different paragraphs on it. Once you got two paragraphs read over them , underline your most powerful phrase and start another paragraph w/ that phrase , and continue over and over again till you get what you want .

* SnapShots ; you jot down descriptions of what you remember from snowboarding , it should include taste , smell , sound , touch , sight and be full of detail. Then you want to reflect off of what you wrote and answer questions like how old were you? what is the significance of this to you? what didn't you understand that you'd do differently now? why is this important? what's there to learn from? how will it continute to affect you and so on.

they've worked for me on numerous papers I've had to write, good luck!

cdunk

Sep 23, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Christmas toy drive' - Significant Event & Its Impact On Me Essay [5]

I agree with MrMaro, the word "ooze" does not really fit well into your essay.
I also find the last sentence in you're first paragraph a tad bit confusing, I had to re-read it a few times to completely understand what you were trying to say, possibly think of rewording it a slight bit .

besides that you're story is very touching!

cdunk

Sep 23, 2012

Undergraduate / Steadying the ball; Short Answer on Basketball for the Common Application [2]

"All I can see is the hoop in front of me as I drive myself forward s." change it too what is in red.

that's really good though, it has good imagery.

cdunk

Sep 23, 2012

Undergraduate / "What is diversity?" - Diversity and How I can Contribute ESSAY [5]

Prompt: Provide your definition of diversity and explain how you can contribute to diversity at the University of ********.

Response: (I have yet to finish this but i need some advice, i'm having a writers block)

What is diversity? Diversity is understanding, accepting, and respecting that everyone is unique and has their own differences. Whether the difference is race, ethnicity, age, gender, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, physical ability and other ideologies the concept of diversity is to be able to provide a safe, positive, and accepting environment.

I can contribute to the diversity at University of ********, by numerous characteristics. My straight forward open mind allows me to tell you how I feel about a certain aspect honestly, while also being able to listen to my peers - accepting and taking into consideration their point of view. I'm very tolerant, and accept everyone for who they are, no matter what their difference is from because I never know what they have been through or their stories. Plus, I treat everyone the way I want to be treated. I personally have several other differences compared to everyone else, which I believe will provide a great asset to the University of ********'s campus. Growing up I came from a lower class family, dad never home and my parents got a divorce last year. I understand the struggle some people may be going through and I could provide a positive outlook for them, to show them that they can succeed and it will not always be a difficult struggle.