Posts by Duffy1513

Duffy1513

Oct 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / Sat essay; punishment as kids teaching method. Intro and Body - grade it, any ways to improve it? [2]

Hi,
I made a few corrections/suggestions to your essay. Hope they help. Sorry I couldn't get the strike through and color to work. I also think that "discipline" might be a better word to use than "punishment".

Punishment is the best method to teach kids a lesson. The reasoning behind this is that children dislike having things and privileges taken away. In the entertainment field, as well as in my personal life, I can find compelling examples to support this thesis.

The TV show "Super Nanny" presents a perfect example of why punishing kids is the best way to teach them moral lessons. The main character of the show, who is a babysitter, joins various households. These households contain noisy and chaotic children. To teach these kids a lesson, the babysitter has the children stand by a wall for ten minutes every time they break the rules. Surprisingly, this method helped in fixing a lot of kids' behaviours that once seemed completely out of control.

When I was fifteen years old, I stole my mother's car and drove it around the neighborhood. When my parents found out what I did, they grounded me for two months. I was not allowed to leave the house to hang out with my friends. Those two months were the worst months of my life. As a result of this punishment, I never take the car without asking for permission.

When my brother was young, he used to have a tantrum whenever my parents would take him out in public. He would scream constantly in the supermarket. At the amusement park, he would behave in an annoying and erratic manner. The only way my parents could resolve this issue was to leave and bring my brother home. To avoid getting embarrassed by kids in the future, people should start disciplining their children by not taking them to public places until they behave in a more appropriate manner.

Duffy1513

Oct 4, 2012

Undergraduate / Personal statement for Penn State - Life is like Cake [NEW]

Hello,
Could you please take a look at my essay for PSU. I would appreciate any help you can provide. Thanks!

Personal Statement (Optional)
Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

I walk into the room and tell my family that I have no idea what to write for my personal statement. My Grandma puts dessert on the table and says, "Write about having Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis (JIA)". Aunt Amy takes a piece of cake and says, "Tell them about donating 12 inches of hair to Pantene Beautiful Lengths". From the kitchen, where she is making coffee, Mom suggests, "Describe competing at the National Technology Student Association conference". I begin to realize that like Grandma's cake, there is more than one layer to me.

The first layer is infused with my essence. Honesty, integrity, and respect are blended nicely with perseverance and discipline. The love and support that I receive from my family contribute to the flavor of this layer. Sprinkle in the encouragement and constructive criticism from my teachers, and the foundation of the cake is ready to support more layers.

The bittersweet second layer consists of JIA. I was diagnosed with JIA in 2000, and my life has not been the same since. Living with chronic pain and fatigue is the "bitter" part. MRI's, injections, medicines, splints and physical therapy are now my new normal. The flavor of the month is Enbrel, Methotrexate, Piroxicam, and Folic Acid. The "sweet" part is the opportunities I have experienced because of JIA. I went to Washington, DC, and spoke with my Senator and Congressman advocating for more money for to be allocated to arthritis research. I speak at events to raise awareness that kids get arthritis too. I have done fundraisers for the arthritis foundation by participating in walks, dances, and bake sales. I have attended conferences to learn more about my disease and have met new friends who share my struggles.

The third layer is funfetti. This layer is all the little things that define. I am my own person. I laugh, cry, smile, and love. I make mistakes but learn from them so I do not repeat history. I use social media but would rather have a book in my hands than an e-reader. I'm passionate about ending puppy mills and animal abuse but have never adopted a shelter pet. I try new things but do not always succeed. I strive for tolerance but am guilty of transgressions. I value my intellect and personality but also value my faults. The process of making the cake cannot be rushed. The ingredients you put into the batter determine what the cake will taste like in the end. If you want a better life, you must adjust your ingredients and become a better baker.

The smell of coffee and chocolate cake brings my mind back to the present. "The cake is wonderful Grandma," I say. "But you have not even tried it," she replies. "I have tasted this cake my whole life," I say with a wide smile.