Dawn22
Dec 2, 2012
Undergraduate / Patriots pen - 'The sun has risen all over America, lighting both my world and my heart' [4]
Perhaps you shouldn't put it on a public forum?
Perhaps you shouldn't put it on a public forum?
Dawn22
Dec 2, 2012
Writing Feedback / The Fruit Section - story for english 9 [3]
Without knowing the actual assignment and grading criteria it is difficult to give input on this.
Without knowing the actual assignment and grading criteria it is difficult to give input on this.
Dawn22
Oct 12, 2012
Undergraduate / UT Undergraduate Admissions Essay- Topic B - "An Everlasting Scar" [9]
I like the draft of this essay and agree with others that it has a nice flavor of your own voice and experience. I would hope that you reconsider how you open the essay though and the lengthy, wordy, sentences. I get distracted in the beginning without a clear introduction to the essay. I then get lost in the wordy sentences. IMO when writing an essay, especially for college entry, a crisp and clear writing style goes a long way in impressing the reader.
You state that:
The essay topic is as follows, "Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you."
If I read your intent here right, your message in the essay is ...
Who : mother ... Impact : confidence; thankfulness ... How : words spoken at a time of need, from a place of self knowledge and modeling ... Why : changed forever my way of approaching life
You should keep those points close to the front of your mind as you write the essay. Stay on track. Are the words furthering the message? If not, don't use them.
As to sentence structure, go to the basics and redo them as needed. For instance:
I used my mother as a role model for hope, a woman who despite being infected with a permanent skin disease has overall the many obstacles to become a working woman, with two healthy children, a happy marriage and a satisfying lifestyle, yes she may be scarred behind the makeup, but what does that matter? That is all ONE sentence.
To state the same, IMO more clearly, I would have written it:
For the last twenty-two years my mother has silently taught me a sense of appreciation and the importance of self-confidence. She is my role model for hope. Despite her skin infliction (you already described it ... and it doesn't seem to be an "infection", etc) she overcame many obstacles and led a fulfilling life. She had a happy marriage, a satisfying lifestyle and raised two healthy children. I can only hope to do the same. And if I accomplish such, I know I owe it to my mother and her words of wisdom on that noteworthy night.
Five sentences (plus one from a different paragraph). And btw, I would think this would make a great conclusion to the essay.
As another thought, to have this
Diagnosed at the age of thirty-three with lichen planus, a chronic mucocutaneous disease that scars the skin with dark, itchy patches all along the body which is permanent and at times painful, my mother has suffered the worst phases of insecurity a human being can ever expect to experience. Spending the last twenty-two years with scarring across her face and body, enduring strange looks from strangers everyday and constantly applying crïmes and makeup in effort to conceal her blemishes, my mother has silently taught me the sense of appreciation and the importance of self-confidence. I never knew how much inner strength my mother possessed to continue her life doing the things she loved without a care of what others would say when her back was turned.
in the middle of two other paragraphs ... ones that actually go together ... throws off the pacing of your explanation of when, what and how she impacted you. I, too, see this (or a rewrite of it) as the real introduction to this essay. The other 2 paragraphs following it would be good body material.
At the age of thirty-three, my mother was diagnosed with lichen planus, a chronic mucocutaneous disease that scars the skin with dark, itchy patches. It spreads along the body, is permanent and at times painful. It has, no doubt, caused her phases of insecurity as the scarring spread across her face and body. She daily applies creams and makeup in an effort to conceal the scars, yet still endures strange looks from others everyday. I didn't really understand how much inner strength my mother possessed, how she continued to live her life without a care of what others said behind her back, until one noteworthy night. A night that would forever change the way I lived my own life.
The body paragraphs would be
3 a.m. on a Saturday and I haven't slept all night. My eyes are swollen, I have difficulty breathing and even my hair is drenched in my own sweat and tears from the lack of sleep and elevated levels of severe anxiety. This was a typical weekend night for me at the age of twelve until well into my sophomore year of high school, crying endlessly each night because I was engulfed in my own physical and emotional insecurity. However, one night, my usual, emotional rampage was interrupted and everything changed as a certain individual confronted me with the most astonishing question I have ever heard in all my seventeen years of life and which was simply, "What is the purpose of your life if you're living it in favor of others?"
Rewritten?
It was a Saturday night, 3 a.m., and I hadn't slept at all. My eyes were swollen. I had difficulty breathing. My hair was drenched by my own sweat and tears. I was tired and I was anxious. You are reliving the past, unless you are purposely wanting it to be in the present you should use past tense. At the age of twelve, that was a typical weekend night. In fact, it was "typical" well into my sophomore year in high school. I cried endlessly each night, engulfed in my own physical and emotional insecurities. Just as a note here, was the notable night when you were twelve or when you were a sophomore? And was it a "typical" night on the weekend or every night? However, one night my usual emotional rampage was interrupted. It was interrupted by my mother. She confronted me and asked me the most profound question I had heard in all of my seventeen years of life. She simply asked, "What is the purpose of your life if you're living it in favor of others?" Again, the time line confuses me ... were you 17 in your sophomore year? That simple question, and the impact it had on my life, changed me forever.
To go on with the next paragraph
Shortly after asking me that question on that noteworthy night, ... Again, looking at the time line clarity and breaking up those loooooong sentences
would allow the essay to flow more easily, again IMO at least ... maybe not yours?
Good luck on your essay and your college application process. You deserve all the things you wish and hope for.
Take care
I like the draft of this essay and agree with others that it has a nice flavor of your own voice and experience. I would hope that you reconsider how you open the essay though and the lengthy, wordy, sentences. I get distracted in the beginning without a clear introduction to the essay. I then get lost in the wordy sentences. IMO when writing an essay, especially for college entry, a crisp and clear writing style goes a long way in impressing the reader.
You state that:
The essay topic is as follows, "Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you."
If I read your intent here right, your message in the essay is ...
Who : mother ... Impact : confidence; thankfulness ... How : words spoken at a time of need, from a place of self knowledge and modeling ... Why : changed forever my way of approaching life
You should keep those points close to the front of your mind as you write the essay. Stay on track. Are the words furthering the message? If not, don't use them.
As to sentence structure, go to the basics and redo them as needed. For instance:
I used my mother as a role model for hope, a woman who despite being infected with a permanent skin disease has overall the many obstacles to become a working woman, with two healthy children, a happy marriage and a satisfying lifestyle, yes she may be scarred behind the makeup, but what does that matter? That is all ONE sentence.
To state the same, IMO more clearly, I would have written it:
For the last twenty-two years my mother has silently taught me a sense of appreciation and the importance of self-confidence. She is my role model for hope. Despite her skin infliction (you already described it ... and it doesn't seem to be an "infection", etc) she overcame many obstacles and led a fulfilling life. She had a happy marriage, a satisfying lifestyle and raised two healthy children. I can only hope to do the same. And if I accomplish such, I know I owe it to my mother and her words of wisdom on that noteworthy night.
Five sentences (plus one from a different paragraph). And btw, I would think this would make a great conclusion to the essay.
As another thought, to have this
Diagnosed at the age of thirty-three with lichen planus, a chronic mucocutaneous disease that scars the skin with dark, itchy patches all along the body which is permanent and at times painful, my mother has suffered the worst phases of insecurity a human being can ever expect to experience. Spending the last twenty-two years with scarring across her face and body, enduring strange looks from strangers everyday and constantly applying crïmes and makeup in effort to conceal her blemishes, my mother has silently taught me the sense of appreciation and the importance of self-confidence. I never knew how much inner strength my mother possessed to continue her life doing the things she loved without a care of what others would say when her back was turned.
in the middle of two other paragraphs ... ones that actually go together ... throws off the pacing of your explanation of when, what and how she impacted you. I, too, see this (or a rewrite of it) as the real introduction to this essay. The other 2 paragraphs following it would be good body material.
At the age of thirty-three, my mother was diagnosed with lichen planus, a chronic mucocutaneous disease that scars the skin with dark, itchy patches. It spreads along the body, is permanent and at times painful. It has, no doubt, caused her phases of insecurity as the scarring spread across her face and body. She daily applies creams and makeup in an effort to conceal the scars, yet still endures strange looks from others everyday. I didn't really understand how much inner strength my mother possessed, how she continued to live her life without a care of what others said behind her back, until one noteworthy night. A night that would forever change the way I lived my own life.
The body paragraphs would be
3 a.m. on a Saturday and I haven't slept all night. My eyes are swollen, I have difficulty breathing and even my hair is drenched in my own sweat and tears from the lack of sleep and elevated levels of severe anxiety. This was a typical weekend night for me at the age of twelve until well into my sophomore year of high school, crying endlessly each night because I was engulfed in my own physical and emotional insecurity. However, one night, my usual, emotional rampage was interrupted and everything changed as a certain individual confronted me with the most astonishing question I have ever heard in all my seventeen years of life and which was simply, "What is the purpose of your life if you're living it in favor of others?"
Rewritten?
It was a Saturday night, 3 a.m., and I hadn't slept at all. My eyes were swollen. I had difficulty breathing. My hair was drenched by my own sweat and tears. I was tired and I was anxious. You are reliving the past, unless you are purposely wanting it to be in the present you should use past tense. At the age of twelve, that was a typical weekend night. In fact, it was "typical" well into my sophomore year in high school. I cried endlessly each night, engulfed in my own physical and emotional insecurities. Just as a note here, was the notable night when you were twelve or when you were a sophomore? And was it a "typical" night on the weekend or every night? However, one night my usual emotional rampage was interrupted. It was interrupted by my mother. She confronted me and asked me the most profound question I had heard in all of my seventeen years of life. She simply asked, "What is the purpose of your life if you're living it in favor of others?" Again, the time line confuses me ... were you 17 in your sophomore year? That simple question, and the impact it had on my life, changed me forever.
To go on with the next paragraph
Shortly after asking me that question on that noteworthy night, ... Again, looking at the time line clarity and breaking up those loooooong sentences
would allow the essay to flow more easily, again IMO at least ... maybe not yours?
Good luck on your essay and your college application process. You deserve all the things you wish and hope for.
Take care
