Undergraduate / Common App short answer; "the only girl in a soccer team" [4]

I think that the emphasis should be on the fact that you stepped outside of a cultural norm, so there should be more ephasis on this than on the small details of being on a soccer team.

Essays / Reality TV- Why is it so popular? [4]

This is very vague, but I will do my best...

When the average American watches television, what they want most is to find someone that they can relate too. It is intriguing for viewers to watch the Average Joe become a star on TV. It provides the viewer with an escape from their own reality and gives them hope because even though these people are average, they made it into the lights.

I hope this helps.

Undergraduate / College Essay A: Adam Savage impacted my life [4]

There are some very good aspects about your essay, but I feel as if it is a bit impersonal. I feel like it would be more powerful if you had actually met and interacted with the person who most influenced you.

Undergraduate / Common App short answer; "the only girl in a soccer team" [4]

revision
omission
my comments

About a year ago, my school offered students extra sports activities. I loved soccer but I had never received any formal training. Skillful coach, excellent facilities, such a perfect chance to learn!Rephrase this sentence. The school had... However, when I first attended the soccer class, I found myself in an awkward situation: I was the only girl in the class. Everyone was staring at me as if I were a strange monster. The boys soon became friends,calling each other buddy and inviting each other to play a game. In the subsequent classes,Omit. This doesn't make sense to me I practiced alone, watching the boys chase the ball ebulliently on the playground. All the enthusiasm cooled downand wishes turned into chimerical foamIn my opinion, you should rephrase this to a metaphor more universally understood . I thought about transferring to another class that was more standard for girls , like gym or aerobics class,

I did not know what made me continue/press on/stick with it -maybe my passion for soccer, or the obstinacy inside my body. I finally stood in front of the boys and said with my loudest voice, steadfastly and calmly, " let me join you." Surprise, scorn, contempt, encouragement-I saw varies things on the boys' faces, but I did not care about them any more. The only thing I cared about is that I made a step and got what I want. "The only girl in a soccer team", weird but unique, right?Do not end in a question.

Undergraduate / 'I hated her' Indicate a person who has had significance on you and describe [2]

I think that you should change the introduction. It is confusing and I do not know if Marybeth is a student or a teacher. For my corrections, I will assume she is the dance teacher.

In m y first year dancing at (dance studio name), I hated my teacher, Mrs (last name) .
For this section of the essay, I would put it in narrative form. Saying "I hated her when" gets too repetitive after a while

Example revision: It started when she had a weak, male company member lift me in rehearsals. I knew that it was a bad idea, and I ended up fracturing my ankle when he dropped me. She always made comments about my weight...etc...

I hated her when she made a weak, male company member lift me in rehearsal, and I hated her when the boy dropped me, fracturing my ankle. I hated her when she berated me for gaining weight and not being able to fit into my Nutcracker costume. And I especially hated her for telling me the words I would never forget, "You do not work hard enough."

However, everything I hated her for that first year grew into the reasons I succeeded my next three years of being in the company. Being a dancer in Marybeth's companyThis needs to be omitted ,I sometimes wanted to quit. The rehearsals were long and exhausting, and performance opportunities were rare. My ankle injury gave me resulted in six weeks of not being able to walk, much less the ability to dance. Those weeks of sitting on the sideline proved to me why I could not quit dance. Watching the company perform without me was devastating ; I needed to be part of that again. Even though dance had its hardships, I learned that I loved what it felt like to be on stage performing.

Mrs.(last name)'s comments about my weight were certainly harsh, but I knew I needed to fit into the costume to be able to perform. Two months later, I lost ten pounds and my costume finally fit perfectly. Mrs. (last name) never apologized for her weight comments and she never voiced her approval of my new body shape, but I knew that I had refuted the comments.

The remark Mrs. (last name) gave me about my work ethic was the worst insult I had ever received. I thought I had a great work ethic; I had already worked hard enough just make it into the ballet company. What more could I possibly do? I started coming to rehearsals over an hour early to stretch and work on my technique. I even signed up to be an assistant dance teacher, coming to the studio early every weekend morning to teach toddlers ballet. To this day, I still do everything I can to prove Mrs. (last name) wrong about my lack of a work ethic. It certainly has not been an easy task and the four years certainly have not been an easy journey, but Mrs. (last name)helped me to know what areas of my life needed to be improvedI'm not sure how I would end it. I don't know much about dance, but the driving point of your story should be that Mrs. (last name) helped you to grow and improve as a person even if her methods seemed harsh

These are all just suggestions. In my opinion, I think you should change Marybeth to Mrs. (last name) even if you didn't call her that because it makes it clear that she was your teacher. Also, it is ok to make up small details in essays or exaggerate the truth to get a point across :)