Posts by ekroyakin

ekroyakin

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / Your hopes and plans for your development' Rough Draft for Oberlin Conservatory Essay [2]

This is a great piece.
Few minor issues I noticed:

As I walk towards my desk to release the stress of school, I catch the glimpse of my ancient 'Rock Band' microphone. Grasping the device, I took a deep breath in and was reminded of why I dedicate countless hours of time to complete my music theory packets.

Tense is inconsistent here and the first sentence seems weird: how do you release the stress at your desk? did you just stop midway to your desk and run to grab the microphone? if the microphone is at your desk, 'catch a glimpse' might not be the best phrase to describe seeing it, even though it sounds sophisticated.

Broadening my musical genre would be great, for it will give me a range of songs I can perform for viewers on my YouTube channel.

And that's the only reason? YouTube channel? I mean, it's legit, but doesn't sound too impressive just by itself.

sung in that languages,

I believe you wanted to use 'language' here.

husband with open arms with him asking how the concert went.

Who has the open arms? I personally got confused while reading this. Also, that creates a parallel with the first paragraph where your dad asks you how the school was, whether you wanted such a parallel or not. Assuming the 'Good' answer is pretty meaningless and automatic reply to a general I-have-to-ask-this question, not sure it creates a good association. But I could've easily gotten you and your intentions wrong - in that case, I'm sorry, and you might also want to make it more clear.

Overall, it's pretty impressive and gives a direct answer to the prompt questions. Good luck!

Not wanting to seem selfish, but would you mind talking a glance at my transfer essay? Yours shows your personality a great deal, and I'm afraid it's what mine lacks.

ekroyakin

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Chemistry major is my goal' - Common App Suplement [3]

the capitalization is a bit confusing. it just looks strange that you capitalize the word 'Chemistry' in the first sentence and then stop until the last one. also, not sure pharmacy needs to be capitalized. and isn't pharmacy a field of many sciences, including biology and chemistry?

ekroyakin

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / SAIC Art School admission Essay; winner of several awards [4]

In my opinion, too many of your sentences start with "I <verb>", so you might want to rephrase those.

creating art relating

"Art that was related" sounds a bit better

I felt very accomplished because of the amount of depth these pieces had as a result of this influence.

The first part could easily be gotten rid of. "As a result of this influence, my work gained a significant amount of depth" or something like that.

I put more effort into my work because it truly meant something to me and the art conveyed a message.

Same here. "My work truly meant something to me and conveyed an important message".

I realized that I can use my skill to make an aesthetically pleasing piece that draws the viewer in. Watching them take meaning and emotions of the piece away was invigorating. I learned I can use my art to influence my viewers thought and hopefully invoke changes in their behavior and thought.

I would rephrase it to show that you use your artistic skill to make sure your message made an impact on viewers.

Also, some of your sentences just do not connect smoothly into a text that is pleasant to read.

I believe that I am a strong candidate for the School of the Art Institute of Chicago (SAIC) undergraduate program because I am energized to take my creativeness to the next level. I am ready for the immense work load and time investment that a school like SAIC requires. I have always gone the extra mile in both my academics and artistic endeavors.

I would put it like "..because I am ready to take my creativeness to the next level, which would require hard work and time investment. Always going the extra mile in <..> has taught me not to be afraid of challenges".

I spent three weeks this past summer in the college atmosphere creating many new projects.

Projects related to what? Did you continue to convey the message which you mentioned earlier?

I am excited about having the Art Institute of Chicago as a resource. This museum and all its collections and resources will be an added bonus.

One medium-length sentence is better than two short ones, from what I believe, even though I might be wrong.

I will bring a thoughtful and creative passion to the school. I will continue to explore societal and environmental issue and incorporate them into my artwork using it as a tool to evoke change. I will use all the resource provided by SAIC to expand my knowledge and develop a career path that will lead to a successful career.

"I will add to the community of thoughtful and creative students as I wish to continue to explore <...> issueS <..>." Also, "resourceS" and "career path - career".

Give it to more people to read! I may not be the best source of information of how to write amazing and thoughtful essays. Check for repetitive phrases and words, get rid of the I's at the beginning of every sentence, also avoid many short sentences in a row as they tend to stop the smooth flow of text, making the reader pause mentally at every period.

ekroyakin

Oct 27, 2012

Letters / 'control of gene expression' - motivation letter for phd in molecular biology [2]

My best grades by University

by? in university would probably be better, unless I got you wrong

All of them I liked very much and tried to find extra information in addition to primary literature.

this sounds kind of shallow and banal. maybe say more about how you tried to gain a deeper understanding of the subjects and explored additional literature?

In the period of study, without interrupting,

I would change that to something like "during my studies, in addition to attending classes"

diploma on the additional qualification of an English interpreter in the direction of biology.

this sounds a bit awkward. you might want to find the official name of your program to make it sound more correct.

I think philological education gave me not only knowledge in English but also contribute to my personal development.

think is a way overused word. "believe" or "feel" might be better. also, "knowledge of English" and "contributed".

the part where you describe the work you did sounds great and very impressive, at least to me

On my opinion control of gene expression is one of the most (very) existing and perspective theme and I want to develop my knowledge in this area that is why this position interested me. Although I want to contribute to work on gene regulatory networks underlying hematopoiesis and regulatory disturbance leading to leukemia.
I am enclosing my Curriculum Vitae and details of my academic referees. If you require any additional materials of information, I am happy to supply it.

"very existing"? i'd say "highly researched" or "important". and you might want to call it something different than a "theme" - a topic, an area of biology, an area of genetics, a problem in genetics etc.

"I will be happy to provide them"

overall, good work! you might want to polish it a few more times, maybe give it to your English tutor or your English-speaking friends to check the grammar once again, because you can't really say you have a diploma of an interpreter and have poor language skills.