rohitsp
Oct 27, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Dancing with people from Kenya' - UMICHIGAN SUPPLEMENT [3]
Hi!
I think you have a good essay there. A few suggestions:
Your description of the dance community is good, but slightly incoherent: it tends to have abrupt changes. Try linking the flow a little better.
You may want to stress a little more on your place in the community. Right now its a little vague. Try getting into specifics of what you have done instead of broad abstracts (but keep those too, they're good!).
To make the tone better, why don't you try to tell the essay like a story. Also, try switching the words around a little. "My community would be one of dance" instead of "Mine would be the dance community" for example.
In the last paragraph where to say "community grows bigger with numbers of new beginners", I think you could try fitting in something about how you are ready to step up and help them out or something like that.
Could you take a look at my essay too? Thanks!
Hi!
I think you have a good essay there. A few suggestions:
Your description of the dance community is good, but slightly incoherent: it tends to have abrupt changes. Try linking the flow a little better.
You may want to stress a little more on your place in the community. Right now its a little vague. Try getting into specifics of what you have done instead of broad abstracts (but keep those too, they're good!).
To make the tone better, why don't you try to tell the essay like a story. Also, try switching the words around a little. "My community would be one of dance" instead of "Mine would be the dance community" for example.
In the last paragraph where to say "community grows bigger with numbers of new beginners", I think you could try fitting in something about how you are ready to step up and help them out or something like that.
Could you take a look at my essay too? Thanks!
