Unanswered [16] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by glady91
Joined: Oct 28, 2012
Last Post: Oct 28, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 4
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
glady91   
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / essay on cell phone dependance.what else could i add? [2]

Hello,

This essay is nice because it gives a lot of concrete evidence. But what are you writing this for? I don't see a meaning in it - what are the impacts of so much device-using? Are you persuading me to think about it in a certain way? Right now your essay is just telling me that right now lots of people use cellular devices. It makes me think, "well great, but why do I care?". Tell me why I should care about this. You could also elaborate on the positive usefulness of devices, as you started in the ending sentences. Also, nice title!

Help with mine? ==> Common Application Personal Essay - meaningful challenge

Thanks!
glady91   
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Key role to grow up' - FSU Essay - Learning [2]

Hello Erin,
You have good substance in your essay. But you could add more concrete examples, especially in the second paragraph. Everyone wants to show that they love learning and are just so awesome and motivated, so it is the concrete personal stories that make it sound actually believable. Right now I don't believe you (as a reader trying to help you). How in life did you show your eagerness to learn? What are some examples of actions that you made because of it?

In the second paragraph, start your paragraph about your friend. Thats your example. I know its not an analytical piece of writing, but it makes sense to the reader to see topic sentence, evidence/example, and then analysis. Your first few sentences would work better after your example. Make your story about your friend dyeing more touching and personal, but be careful, don't drive for sympathy! You don't want the reader to feel bad for you- they read millions of these and lots of people write about deaths and hard events. Spend more time on what exactly you learned and what you did because of what you learned. How did it make you act?

In the final paragraph, you're very vague about how this ties into florida state. Spend more time connecting you're story to Florida State. Make them really believe that you're story matches up with what they want!

Overall, good! keep working :)
glady91   
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Barnard Supplement Essays: Why Barnard?; Unafraid; Perspective; Woman [3]

Hello,

I like these essays because they show your personality - especially the one about bungee jumping. The use of dialogue was very nice.

for the first one- I would add concrete details. What trait exactly do you have that matches with what the community of Barnard has? I like how you added things you've read - makes it seem like you really has researched and know where you're applying!

second one- that's a nice start if you really dive into why you want to converse with her! what is it about the new discoveries she studies? Why rifles? For now, it is a good hook, just get at what the question is asking.

third one- my favorite! I like how I can see your voice in it. I can see a snapshot into your life, which college admission counselors are looking for. The beginning few lines take up a little too much time - since I don't yet know what's going on its confusing. Its good to have the suspense and hook to have the reader want to find out, but not that long. So, combine the first lines (until you get to when you say what you're doing).

forth- what is JROTC??? Its hard to read because I don't know what you're talking about. Nice sentence variation. Add more at the end connecting this experience to Barnard.

Overall- strong! Just minor additions and tweaks.
glady91   
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Common App. Personal Essay: 'Brookline Academy of Dance' - meaningful challenge [2]

I've been dancing forever, but it wasn't until I entered the Brookline Academy of Dance that I understood how much of an impact dancing has on my life. Certainly, by taking numerous classes and performing with several companies, I became a better dancer, but I experienced a much more important change when I became a teaching assistant. As a student in school, many things are shaped around me. But as a teacher, I had to adjust myself to the needs of others. At first this was a challenge because I was starting class with a mindset to merely finish all the stretches and exercises. But since each day the class was in a different and unique mood, it didn't work to teach in the same way. I learned to adjust what I teach according to the current situation by paying close attention to the students' actions and needs. For example, if students found a particular exercise difficult or if they were especially interested in working on a specific move, I spent more time on it. I figured out that it isn't all about checking off boxes, but that it's about making sure the kids enjoy the class and learn from it. I found that this new mindset helped me at school as well. As a junior mentor I ran activities in a freshman homeroom, which rarely go as expected because many freshmen are frequently reluctant to participate. Throughout the year, I got to know my class and shaped the activities to make them interesting for my particular group of kids.

Even though I was teaching others to dance, I ended up learning just as much myself, especially about choreography. The first dance I choreographed was experimental: I began by putting different exercises together in a sequence, then arranging the sequences in new ways, and finally developing my own movements altogether. Making up the dance was difficult, but teaching it was a whole new challenge. I had to find words to express my thoughts and ideas. The problem was that each student had their own way of thinking, so I had to explain the choreography in different ways. For example, I had to noodle around with my wording: either I'd explain in counts of eight or according to the song, either I'd explain in dance vocabulary or everyday words, either I'd refer to steps individually or together as a whole, and so on. Thinking outside of the regular, in return, helped me come up with new moves - thinking differently resulted in different, and new, moves. It is good to receive the deserved awards and honors, but I am most proud of the developments I see in myself. Because of dancing, I feel more confident, independent, and open-minded, but most importantly, I am able to lead, deal with challenges, and learn from them.
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳