essay on cell phone dependance.what else could i add?

The Sound of Tap-Tap

Look around you;Out of all people in your view, How many of them have any form of telecommunication Device? Unless any of them are amish, about 90% do.This new age of being connected and having everything in the palm of your hand is changing us.

In a study done by Cornell university, the average adult will spend a good 4 years on their phone.This constant need to be connected has started to limit our social interactions to the sound of tap tap. The times are changing, people rather stare at a screen, eye contact is becoming something of the dark ages.Taking the largely known apple company into perspective,their massive database of apps is endless; nearly 600,000 and growing. Offering to help even the simplest daily task. Need a pocket flashlight? They got it. How about a pocket level? Got that too. All these easily obtainable programs brings realism to the saying ,"Theres an App for that."

Hello,

This essay is nice because it gives a lot of concrete evidence. But what are you writing this for? I don't see a meaning in it - what are the impacts of so much device-using? Are you persuading me to think about it in a certain way? Right now your essay is just telling me that right now lots of people use cellular devices. It makes me think, "well great, but why do I care?". Tell me why I should care about this. You could also elaborate on the positive usefulness of devices, as you started in the ending sentences. Also, nice title!

Help with mine? ==> Common Application Personal Essay - meaningful challenge

Thanks!