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Posts by awolfatthedoor
Joined: Oct 29, 2012
Last Post: Nov 1, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  
From: United States Minor Outlying Islands

Displayed posts: 4
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awolfatthedoor   
Nov 1, 2012
Undergraduate / Common App Extracurricular Short Answer - Rowing [6]

I agree with voteforandy - you sound like an asshole. "My recent inheritance of power and authority demands for an equal measure of responsibility and maturity, both of which are weaved into my personality" You may be trying to show your qualities, but you're doing it wrong. Show them how you are responsible and mature. Was there a conflict within the team and you were the guy who stepped in and fixed it? Did you bring a new work ethic to the team? How did you manage to break those records you mention?

Don't mention that you have college apps on your mind, adcoms hear it in every other essay.

Your first few sentences are good, expand on how you worked hard to prove all those naysayers wrong. You just kind of jump to an unorganized stream of consciousness in your second paragraph. Try to focus on something specific about rowing.

Good luck.
awolfatthedoor   
Nov 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "My Other Half" Personal Statement on cultural identity [2]

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

My Other Half

The woman standing in front of me bows her head deeply, her hands neatly at her sides. The words flow quickly and fluidly from her mouth, with no breaks or pauses. She finishes, straightens up, and smiles at me. I glance to my left at my mother, who raises her eyebrows and gestures for me to act.

My turn.

"Kotoshimo..." Wait, what was the rest of it? I turn to my mother again, who nods her head and mouths "yoroshiku onegaishimasu." With her help I finish my sentence, the words fumbling and cracking as they leave my lips. I bow my head, hiding my ever-reddening face. The sounds and motions seem completely alien to me. I'll be in Japan in a matter of months. What will they think of me?

Here I was, a half-Japanese teenager, set to visit family in Japan and I could barely finish a New Year's greeting so simple for most Japanese. "Think of it this way. At most, grandmother can only be 50% ashamed of me, right?" I joked to my mom, hoping for laughter. No response.

As the trip drew nearer, the jokes subsided and the uneasiness grew - I knew deep down that visiting Japan meant facing my cultural identity, a subject that always confused me. Most of my 17 years have been spent in the U.S., so naturally I've adopted American food, American people, and an American way of thinking. Sure, I receive glimpses into Japanese culture through my mother's cooking and occasional stories, but otherwise I only pretend to understand my other half.

When the day came and I finally arrived in Japan, something had changed. Instead of shrinking into a state of anxiety like I expected, I grew to embrace my new surroundings. I reunited with my Obaachan, my grandmother, who insisted to her octogenarian friends that I am perfectly capable of using chopsticks and can eat just about any type of Japanese food she can put on my plate. I burned senko, or incense, for my ancestors and uncovered a spiritual connection with my Japanese bloodline I had never felt before. I learned the first two Japanese alphabets and summed up the courage to start a conversation with my intimidating cousins. Most importantly, I developed a passion for a culture I had never previously cared to explore. During those three weeks, I realized that while I did not exactly belong in Japan, it had always been deep inside of me.

Since my cultural transformation in Japan, I have been eager to discover my other half, especially with learning the rich language and traditions. While the question of who I am identity-wise may never have a definite answer, I am figuring out that the more I learn about my heritage, the less confusion I feel about being "half-Japanese". I take pride in knowing that the next time New Year's rolls around, I will say my annual greeting not with embarrassment and shame, but with poise and conviction.

Any critique would be helpful. Be critical please.
awolfatthedoor   
Oct 29, 2012
Undergraduate / "All they wanted was a better life for you" ; The Dream, the Seed, and the Fruits. [7]

Your first paragraph is wonderful - I love how the situation is ambiguous until the very last line. The "seeds watered by our tears" theme is a little too mushy gushy for me, but its the backbone of your essay so keep it there.

"I am Owen. Owen is what people call me, but is also why my parents suffered so much, when their dreams were realized, and who I know I am."

I had to read this a few times, especially the last part. Try reading it out loud, you'll know what I mean. Find a way to rephrase "when their dreams were realized, and who I know I am" and your flow will improve.

Your last paragraph was a little out of the blue. While it may be sincere, it comes off a little strong and is disconnected from the narrative you have above. You've got the narrative down flat, you just need to show how it affected you. How are you going to make an impact on society? Every statement up until the final bang just seems like fluff.

I can't find grammar mistakes, but maybe someone else will. Great title and good luck!
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