Faye2210
Nov 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "What I Thought Would Kill Me Made Me Stronger" - Fordham U. Personal Statement [4]
Overall, you have excellent ideas but they're a little bit awkwardly worded. You don't need to add a conclusion. I like the ending the way it but I would say: "I have gained the skills and character that will allow me to flourish in college and beyond"
The last sentence of your first paragraph makes sense but is a run on. I would say something more like " I realized that I was hurting no one but myself and soon decided to switch missions. I decided not only to put up with decision they made for me but to thrive and succeed even in these circumstances" (maybe a semicolon instead of a period?)
I don't like the sentence "These all tie in with responsibility and time management as well." You should mention time management and responsibility in one of the previous sentence. Like maybe "I learned time management and responsibility by being my own teacher."
I also think it would sound better to say "in many ways" instead of "in more ways than one"
Overall, you have excellent ideas but they're a little bit awkwardly worded. You don't need to add a conclusion. I like the ending the way it but I would say: "I have gained the skills and character that will allow me to flourish in college and beyond"
The last sentence of your first paragraph makes sense but is a run on. I would say something more like " I realized that I was hurting no one but myself and soon decided to switch missions. I decided not only to put up with decision they made for me but to thrive and succeed even in these circumstances" (maybe a semicolon instead of a period?)
I don't like the sentence "These all tie in with responsibility and time management as well." You should mention time management and responsibility in one of the previous sentence. Like maybe "I learned time management and responsibility by being my own teacher."
I also think it would sound better to say "in many ways" instead of "in more ways than one"
