medjosh
Nov 17, 2012
Undergraduate / 'passion for journalism' - Common App Short Answer [5]
Thank you for all of your help @JennyFlower81! I appreciate all your time.
Thank you for all of your help @JennyFlower81! I appreciate all your time.
medjosh
Nov 17, 2012
Undergraduate / 'passion for journalism' - Common App Short Answer [5]
Thanks for the suggestion! Here is my revision:
Since grade school, I have developed a passion for journalism. I have explored different places, met eccentric people, and learned how to write more concisely and communicate more effectively. However, what I've learned most about journalism is that it is not really about writing; it is about asking the right questions, in order to formulate answers into a story that readers can understand and from which they can ask more questions for journalists to answer. That circuitous process is one of the marvels of journalism.
That is also why I decided to pursue news writing in the years to come. For me, journalism is a form of giving back to those who had transformed the society to be more informed and an advancement tool for those who are uninformed. To be blunt, I'm saying I want to change the world.
---
Thank you for all of your suggestions and comments!
Thanks for the suggestion! Here is my revision:
Since grade school, I have developed a passion for journalism. I have explored different places, met eccentric people, and learned how to write more concisely and communicate more effectively. However, what I've learned most about journalism is that it is not really about writing; it is about asking the right questions, in order to formulate answers into a story that readers can understand and from which they can ask more questions for journalists to answer. That circuitous process is one of the marvels of journalism.
That is also why I decided to pursue news writing in the years to come. For me, journalism is a form of giving back to those who had transformed the society to be more informed and an advancement tool for those who are uninformed. To be blunt, I'm saying I want to change the world.
---
Thank you for all of your suggestions and comments!
medjosh
Nov 17, 2012
Undergraduate / Supplemental Essay: FOR YOU, FOR EVERYONE [5]
Lowercase 'muffins'
There are many redundancies. Look for them; I am sure you can find them easily.
Also, use comma, not semi-colon for the last sentence (should be "For you, for everyone.") I suggest using lower cases.
My overall suggestion is to read it aloud. The best judges for your essay are your own ears. :)
Lowercase 'muffins'
There are many redundancies. Look for them; I am sure you can find them easily.
Also, use comma, not semi-colon for the last sentence (should be "For you, for everyone.") I suggest using lower cases.
My overall suggestion is to read it aloud. The best judges for your essay are your own ears. :)
medjosh
Nov 17, 2012
Undergraduate / 'passion for journalism' - Common App Short Answer [5]
Hello, Essayforumers :) Here's my short answer to the short answer portion of the common app
(Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).)
There are always two sides of a story, and being a journalist has given me the opportunity to explore them. For example, who knew there were students who strongly did not think that the school, one of the top public high schools in the nation, doesn't handle bullying well? I have been one since grade school; since then, I've learned many things about topics that has never really been discussed. The marvel of journalism, for me, is that you think you do, but you really don't, know everything.
Over the years of my experience, I have developed a passion for journalism. I have been timid then, afraid that I might ask the wrong questions or stutter during interviews, apprehensive that students might be bored at what I write. However, I persisted, and experience has enabled me to write informative and concise stories, communicate with people in a friendly, intimate way, and emanate a confident personality.
--Suggestions, edits, and other comments are all welcome! Thank you :)
Hello, Essayforumers :) Here's my short answer to the short answer portion of the common app
(Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).)
There are always two sides of a story, and being a journalist has given me the opportunity to explore them. For example, who knew there were students who strongly did not think that the school, one of the top public high schools in the nation, doesn't handle bullying well? I have been one since grade school; since then, I've learned many things about topics that has never really been discussed. The marvel of journalism, for me, is that you think you do, but you really don't, know everything.
Over the years of my experience, I have developed a passion for journalism. I have been timid then, afraid that I might ask the wrong questions or stutter during interviews, apprehensive that students might be bored at what I write. However, I persisted, and experience has enabled me to write informative and concise stories, communicate with people in a friendly, intimate way, and emanate a confident personality.
--Suggestions, edits, and other comments are all welcome! Thank you :)
medjosh
Nov 11, 2012
Letters / "flexibility" - Letter of Intent for Substitute Teacher [7]
To correct with strike through, highlight the word(s) that you will strike, and click the button to the right of the list (the one with the S, struck through)
To correct with strike through, highlight the word(s) that you will strike, and click the button to the right of the list (the one with the S, struck through)
medjosh
Nov 11, 2012
Undergraduate / Finding Narnia Common App essay by A. M. [3]
The essay title captured my eye, so I decided to review this. Here is mine:
Trekking along the Avon River Bend, I imagined we were the brave Pevensie children of a C.S. Lewis novel. He was, after all, the reason we were here. (Is this even relevant?- juxtaposed by Beatles later on) Bob Marley's Buffalo Soldier blasting (blasted) from my iPod (while) birds chirping (chirped) behind us on the riverbank. The blaring sun heated our bodies and blinded our eyes, so we slathered on the sun block, transition shades, and determinedly continued on our way. We left England's Warwick Castle in the distance. Its tall towers and round turrets appearing smaller with every step forward. (combine these two sentences. thus: comma after distance, lowercase "i" in its)
Paragraph Comment: The phrase "after all" in the second sentence suggests that the pronoun antecedent has been mentioned. Who is "he?" Also, make sure you quote song titles.
It was summer and we were on our "search for Narnia." When I "search", I really should say, "expedition." (just say "'expedition' to Narnia") It was the enchanting surge of adventure, fantastical thrill, and novelty that kept our feet moving forward. My brother and I had planned extensively, mapping out the area and how much ground we could cover in one day if we only stopped for food and water. (Secretly, we looked forward to the ample rations of greasy chips and sugary candy bars that our health-conscious mother looked disapprovingly on as we packed.) (The parenthesis are not really needed. Delete them.)
Did Lucy Pevensie ever get lost before the Faun found her? Probably, but then without the advent of Global Positioning Systems, she had a pretty good excuse.
My brother, despite numerous improvements in cartography and online mapping services that have occurred since World War II, continues to be successful in helping me understand what it feels to be completely lost. He often refers to this as a "detour."
Did Lucy ever ask her siblings to turn around?
The sun was beginning to set. Resignedto going back to camp, (Change to "With resignation") we began to retrace our steps to civilization. My brother claimed to have found a "shortcut" for this as well and set off (for) the open space of the River bank and into the adjacent forest. I followed begrudgingly. At the same time, The Beatles, Eleanor Rigby resonated from my speakers.
I'd like to think that we may have Narnia (huh? missing the word "found," I presume...) that day, but to my chagrin, what we found was far from it.
A dense green canopy permitted the sun's fading beams of sunlight to filter though in a sickly greenish light, the ground was littered with weeds and vines that slithered up the ashen trunks of the moss-covered trees. (Too abrupt?) (Not too abrupt. Preceding sentence can be separated into two sentences to make it more clear) The carrion was encased in a makeshift fence of sticks and woven weeds that blocked it off form (SP) the rest of the forest.
Preceding paragraph can be separated into chunks of sentences.
We left promptly.
When we finally returned to the Castle, it was late and we decided that we would try again tomorrow. After returning to the hotel and eating our customary greasy foodstuff, we both lay in our bed as we poured over map, planning our next "detour." We explored the possibility that we would never find the unspoiled nirvana hidden among the trees, but the journey was in some ways better that our imagined destination. As we lied awake, my mind drifted to the Pevensie Children once more. Most likely, there will be several dead animals on our path, but won't stop me from finding my Narnia. (Too corny? or awkward?) (The dead animals made it awkward..)
-----
Consider rewriting this. Common app essays should reflect upon an aspect of the author's life. Make sure your essay says something about you, and make the readers (admissions) want you. Where is Narnia? I have not personally read the books, but it's a really good question upon which one can build an essay.
Have a great Memorial Day!
The essay title captured my eye, so I decided to review this. Here is mine:
Trekking along the Avon River Bend, I imagined we were the brave Pevensie children of a C.S. Lewis novel. He was, after all, the reason we were here. (Is this even relevant?- juxtaposed by Beatles later on) Bob Marley's Buffalo Soldier blasting (blasted) from my iPod (while) birds chirping (chirped) behind us on the riverbank. The blaring sun heated our bodies and blinded our eyes, so we slathered on the sun block, transition shades, and determinedly continued on our way. We left England's Warwick Castle in the distance. Its tall towers and round turrets appearing smaller with every step forward. (combine these two sentences. thus: comma after distance, lowercase "i" in its)
Paragraph Comment: The phrase "after all" in the second sentence suggests that the pronoun antecedent has been mentioned. Who is "he?" Also, make sure you quote song titles.
It was summer and we were on our "search for Narnia." When I "search", I really should say, "expedition." (just say "'expedition' to Narnia") It was the enchanting surge of adventure, fantastical thrill, and novelty that kept our feet moving forward. My brother and I had planned extensively, mapping out the area and how much ground we could cover in one day if we only stopped for food and water. (Secretly, we looked forward to the ample rations of greasy chips and sugary candy bars that our health-conscious mother looked disapprovingly on as we packed.) (The parenthesis are not really needed. Delete them.)
Did Lucy Pevensie ever get lost before the Faun found her? Probably, but then without the advent of Global Positioning Systems, she had a pretty good excuse.
My brother, despite numerous improvements in cartography and online mapping services that have occurred since World War II, continues to be successful in helping me understand what it feels to be completely lost. He often refers to this as a "detour."
Did Lucy ever ask her siblings to turn around?
The sun was beginning to set. Resigned
I'd like to think that we may have Narnia (huh? missing the word "found," I presume...) that day, but to my chagrin, what we found was far from it.
A dense green canopy permitted the sun's fading beams of sunlight to filter though in a sickly greenish light, the ground was littered with weeds and vines that slithered up the ashen trunks of the moss-covered trees. (Too abrupt?) (Not too abrupt. Preceding sentence can be separated into two sentences to make it more clear) The carrion was encased in a makeshift fence of sticks and woven weeds that blocked it off form (SP) the rest of the forest.
Preceding paragraph can be separated into chunks of sentences.
We left promptly.
When we finally returned to the Castle, it was late and we decided that we would try again tomorrow. After returning to the hotel and eating our customary greasy foodstuff, we both lay in our bed as we poured over map, planning our next "detour." We explored the possibility that we would never find the unspoiled nirvana hidden among the trees, but the journey was in some ways better that our imagined destination. As we lied awake, my mind drifted to the Pevensie Children once more. Most likely, there will be several dead animals on our path, but won't stop me from finding my Narnia. (Too corny? or awkward?) (The dead animals made it awkward..)
-----
Consider rewriting this. Common app essays should reflect upon an aspect of the author's life. Make sure your essay says something about you, and make the readers (admissions) want you. Where is Narnia? I have not personally read the books, but it's a really good question upon which one can build an essay.
Have a great Memorial Day!
