Posts by kakiasatt

kakiasatt

Nov 28, 2012

Undergraduate / 'stabbed in the arm' - United States Naval Academy Essay [5]

As to a better ending, maybe try to add a few words after "I had learned to 'turn the other cheek' ... (and, for, because, from, etc. Continue with a reasoning that connects back to what you were talking about earlier in your essay, to complete the sentence and essay.) " How that incident shaped your character and led you to turn the other cheek... how it relates back to your goal of joining the Naval Academy.

kakiasatt

Nov 28, 2012

Undergraduate / University of Colorado Boulder Flagship Essay - Returning Home and Finding Myself [4]

Hey dumi... Thanks a lot for your feedback! I tried to revise that last paragraph a little bit, but i am kind of stumped on what to say. After this revision i have 485 words, so i'm close to the 500 word limit.

"I hope I can bring my unique restless spirit as a way to help enrich the community that Boulder has. I've visited many places and engaged with many different types of people in this world. My experiences living in two entirely different states would help bring multiple perspectives into the giant melting pot that is College."

I'd be so grateful if you could give me feedback and advice on my revisions! If i need to add more i can try editing out some earlier parts.

kakiasatt

Nov 28, 2012

Undergraduate / Swimming changed my parents - UC Prompt #1; growing up in conservative Chinese household [4]

Great essay! I think you should talk a little bit more about why Swimming led you to Business, and go a little deeper on how what you learned from swimming will help you with Business. (If you are apply to be a Business major i am sure that would important)

Other than that, a great read! As for the blank, a few ideas I have... "the norm" "a stereotype"
Sorry i can't think of much, hopefully someone else can!

kakiasatt

Nov 28, 2012

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt #1: English Major - participation in creating or distributing words [3]

"Forced to come to my mother's work everyday for 12 hours during the summer"

Should switch the wording so it's: "Forced to come to my mother's work for 12 hours everyday during the summer."

Other than that I think it's a great essay!

kakiasatt

Nov 27, 2012

Undergraduate / 'stabbed in the arm' - United States Naval Academy Essay [5]

"I learned from my Father that our Country comes first and foremost, although this mindset has not been altered since the day my Father retired from service."

The 2nd part of that sentence is unnecessary, i think you can delete it altogether.

"This Country was formed by great men who risked everything to create a utopia where freedom can not only exist, but flourish and remain unharmed by those who are spiteful towards it."

Maybe try another word than Utopia... Land? I can't think of others but Utopia isn't quite what we strived for.

I think you should create a better ending. I like the story of the last paragraph a lot, but you should have a concluding sentence of some sort to wrap up your essay.

The ending to your 2nd paragraph would be a good ending to the essay, however i'm not sure how you'd want to re-arrange it, since it doesn't really fit with your current final paragraph.

Other than that I thought it was a great essay!!!! Sorry I couldn't come up with some help with your conclusion, but I hope giving you what i found to be the flaw helped! When i'm well rested I'll try and take another look to help you find a solution.

kakiasatt

Nov 27, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Second Chance' - about someone who has made an impact on your life [3]

The biggest thing thing that sticks out to me is that you only talk about how that someone had an impact on your life for a few sentences in the last paragraph. The story is nice, but you lead me to believe 2 previous times as to what the essay is about. (You not getting along with your mother, the man dying in the parking lot) Both times i believed that your essay would be about those situations. I didn't realize until writing this that you included that to lead into you wanting to see your mother again during the attack, but you should add onto that or make it more clear, instead of just a sentence about you not getting along with her after you woke up.

I suggest cutting out a lot of the filler in the early paragraphs and trying to add more about how that situation effected your life before your concluding paragraph. Since the Essay is about the assault and how it impacted your life, try focusing more on that and less on the elder man's death and your time at work.

kakiasatt

Nov 27, 2012

Undergraduate / 'My mother passed away, I'm more prepared for life' Washington - Saying Goodbye [3]

I believe you should have a better opening. Just my opinion, but it isn't very catchy. Straight to the point, but as I said, not catchy...

"My mother had always been there for me. She was always so helpful and loving, and at times, I took it for granted. I wasn't always the kindest daughter to her, and there were so many things I wanted to fix. "

I think these sentences could be a good fit at the beginning of the essay, instead of in the middle. Gives the reader background information about why your mother getting Cancer is so damaging, which helps transition into your first paragraph.

A few other things, sentences like this one:
"I was even more upset than the first time"
Really stick out and disrupt the rhythm of the essay for the reader. Try revising it or just taking it out completely.

I also think you should re-word this sentence:
"The woman I had always seen so clearly being a part of my future, now probably wouldn't be."
The last part of it is really flat and also disrupts the rhythm.

I thought the last paragraph was very well done.

kakiasatt

Nov 26, 2012

Undergraduate / University of Colorado Boulder Flagship Essay - Returning Home and Finding Myself [4]

The University of Colorado at Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?

I recently came home this summer from a two-year escapade in Texas. In technical terms I moved there, lived there, and received an education during the two years. However, it never felt like Texas was my home. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the experience of visiting an almost entirely new culture, however after two years living there was just not my cup of tea. Upon my arrival back in Maryland, I explored my room, full of things I had long forgotten. I read about my adventures as a superhero, my travels as a pirate in the Atlantic Ocean, and my findings in the deep jungles of Peru. I found notebooks full of failed movie scripts and the beginnings of books that never got past the first chapter. I had a huge imagination, but my ADHD kept me jumping from idea to idea.

Long lost passions rekindled my memory, and if only for a little while, I truly felt like a child again. It felt like I was coming back to a room that was occupied by an entirely different person, realizing how much I had been through and matured during my time in Texas. But I was happy to be back home, back in Maryland for one more year before I'm truly set off on my own. A lot of the creativity I had was gone. I was no longer Genghis Khan at noon and Darth Vader at night.

I realized that the reason I was so glad to be home wasn't because I had missed it, but because I was hopefully seeing it for one of the last times... a bittersweet year of goodbye. My dream is to travel. I have the spirit of an adventurer. I want to explore the world, meet new people and discover unique cultures. Visit beautiful areas and experience the cities of the world. The imagination I had as a kid took me to exotic lands and cultural centers, and now that I'm older my imagination has turned into something that is my ultimate dream. Coming back home for my final year before adulthood helped me realize the transformation that I've undergone in my life, especially with going to Texas. Even though I am glad to move back home, there is no denying Texas changed me, which only reinforces my desire to travel and experience new places.

That leads me to my biggest hope for my college experience. To visit and live in a completely new environment, meet hundreds of entirely new people and their own ideas, and continuing my ongoing journey. I hope I can bring my unique restless spirit as a way to help enrich the community that Boulder has, and input my perspectives into the giant melting pot that is College.

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Thanks in advance for the feedback! I will get to giving feedback on other user essays tomorrow afternoon, it's been a long night and i need some sleep! :-)