Posts by bee123

bee123

Dec 5, 2012

Undergraduate / "I gaze at the sunset with the woman I love and think, F8 at 1/2"; personal stateme [7]

I actually really like the sentence

Even a little boy could find the pleasure in the photography while I failed to, why?

However, I think you may need to add a little separation. For example, "Even a little boy could find the pleasure in photography while I failed to; why?"

or "Even a little boy could find the pleasure in photography while I failed to-- why?"

Also,

Maybe it's time to change my attitude toward photography.

Are you sure you want the present tense here? I don't know exactly what you are trying to say, but it could be more effective to put that in the past tense and then describe how your attitude has changed since then.

Other than that, I think there may be a few small grammar errors/places it feels awkward. You might want to try reading it out loud to yourself; often that will help turn up small mistakes. I don't think they detract too much from the essay as is, though.

Overall, great essay! I love the quote at the beginning.

bee123

Dec 5, 2012

Undergraduate / "Not Just Deep Thought"- Common App Personal Statement [9]

I really like the concept, I think it's very original.

Just a few short critiques: While I like that you chose such a unique topic, it sounds a little bit like you're unwilling to grow as a person which colleges may not like. Perhaps talk about how you would like to better use your deep thinking, and to grow into yourself more. Colleges may think that we're too young to have already set ourselves as we are, so they may be resistant to your last paragraph.

Also, this is a really trivial thing, but you started two paragraphs in a row with "So"; maybe change one of them somehow.

The intro doesn't draw me in as much as it could, what if you started out with the example of your teacher before saying "While I never aim to disrespect, I find myself wandering off into thought at the oddest times and at the oddest triggers."? That might stand out more to readers.

However, it does look pretty good. I like your voice a lot, I think it really shows who you are!

bee123

Dec 5, 2012

Undergraduate / Williams window essay; 'The girl walks slowly into the tack room' [3]

The girl walks slowly into the tack room, barely holding back tears. Her eyes go automatically to Scooby's saddle; a saddle that will probably sit there gathering dust for a few months before her riding instructor finally moves it into her house. It seems impossible that five days earlier that saddle's owner had stood in the stall just twenty feet away.

The door opens, she turns around. A woman stands there looking at her, and the woman does not have to say anything because the crease in her forehead and the wrinkles around her eyes say more than any words ever could. She steps forward, puts her arms around the girl, pats her back gently. The tears that had been gathering in the girl's eyes roll down her face. When she finally stop crying, the woman turns and leaves, giving her a few more minutes alone.

Whenever I remember that moment, I see it as if through the tack room window. That girl in there could not possibly be me-- the girl who always has something to say, who always has something she needs to hear. But then, this is different. This is the only place I know where people can communicate without saying words, understand one another without ever meeting, drawn together by a love for horses. Perhaps it is the very nature of communicating with horses that makes this community so special. All I know is that here, we may sometimes use words, but we never truly need them.

It's just under the word limit. I'm not sure if it fulfills the requirements for the essay though.
(Here's the question for anyone who doesn't know: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.)

Any advice is welcome!