While I never aim to disrespect, I find myself wandering off into thought at the oddest times and at the oddest triggers. It may be that the teacher mentioned that she was dubbed the "pork queen" of her hometown and immediately, I would just have to turn my head and conjure up that image. I might be thinking of her with a large pig head, a pink sash, a wheat farm behind her, and a heavy plate of grease secreting bacon in her hands, but the most shocking aspect of that fantasy was that I was currently in my Public Speaking class and we were discussing speeches of introduction
So, yes, the fantasies, or euphemistically, "deep thoughts", were impeding my education but they occurred in more than just dull classes. There were even times when I would arrive late to school because I couldn't avoid staring at the squirrel on the window sill and wondering if it saw me even though it never looked directly at me while I was trying to have my bowl of cereal. Or the time when I woke up and suddenly began thinking about how I got there, what the purpose of life was, and how mankind wasn't much less than a speck of dust floating in the galaxy. But it was not until high school that I began to perceive deep thought as a threat. I began to realize that different parts of my life were in total rebellion against it. The rigor of high school academia was putting a sword to the neck of my amusing quirk. The stringent expectations of the classroom were suffocating my intellectual freedom. And the burdens of daily life were whittling away at free time. It was plain as day to me back then that change was pivotal unless I wanted to coast through life as some "pork king".
So, I tried. I tried to my utmost potential to forge a more respectable self; a student that would focus on studies and not become easily distracted by the next pop up that appeared on the monitor. But it was not long before I realized that reality and fantasy would not coincide. Of course I could force myself to eat green vegetables, to actually read school textbooks, and to laugh at corny jokes that certain math teachers made, but had I really changed who I was? No matter how forcefully I pounded ideals into my head to rewire my brain, there was immense resistance. So ultimately, I made the prudent decision to stop. I realized that rather than reform myself, I should allow my environment to adjust. Deep thought is a part of my life that I could not relinquish because it created this odd amalgamation that could amuse, anger and befriend others. This quirk may be at odds with other aspects of my life, but that only brings excitement. I am delighted to remain unchanged because, to me, deep thought forms a sum larger than its parts.
I really like the concept, I think it's very original.
Just a few short critiques: While I like that you chose such a unique topic, it sounds a little bit like you're unwilling to grow as a person which colleges may not like. Perhaps talk about how you would like to better use your deep thinking, and to grow into yourself more. Colleges may think that we're too young to have already set ourselves as we are, so they may be resistant to your last paragraph.
Also, this is a really trivial thing, but you started two paragraphs in a row with "So"; maybe change one of them somehow.
The intro doesn't draw me in as much as it could, what if you started out with the example of your teacher before saying "While I never aim to disrespect, I find myself wandering off into thought at the oddest times and at the oddest triggers."? That might stand out more to readers.
However, it does look pretty good. I like your voice a lot, I think it really shows who you are!
Hello,
Deep thought is fine, some people believe that it helps them think creatively. However, this essay will NOT help you gain admissions to any school. When you write a statement of purpose, your goal is to present the strongest you possible, not the opposite. This essay presents a very weak student, one that is a slave to his mind and cannot control his focus. You present excuse after excuse why you cannot focus. This will not help someone gain admissions into a pre-med program, a program where deep focus and concentration will be required to be successful. -AAO
Should I reword the last paragraph to make it more clear that I have a desire to grow and learn and make deep thought seem less like a hindrance and rather a tool for creativity? To be honest, my teacher said it was good and I should just adjust some of the more negative wording but I didn't realize the entire essay seemed to sound as if I was resistant to change and growth. But from what you're saying, it does seem like I'm narrow minded?
I'm from China. I love your essay. I think if you want to be yourself as indicated in the essay, don't adapt it into somehing that "present the strongest you possible". Narrow-minded, so what. If the negativity involved in "narrowmindedness" is caused by the environment that raised you and is an inseparable part of your life, so be it. I'm much like you(not that i have deep thoughts). I think i can change after I've seen more of the world.
The one thing i don't like about American college application is that there IS an ideal personality(that's what scares me most), and all one has to do to gain AO's favor is to put words like "perserverence, passion, positivity, prudence" into the personality one shapes in his essays, it actually works(maybe that's why my essay sound like utter gibberish and i hate it and i don't have the guts to wirte the essay in my mind becasue of its negativity and because i'm from China and i can't screw my college application...). The essay might be trite, but it works. Sometimes i wish i was a part of the "generation perdu", because at least then, no one's judging. Now, in China, the products coming off the production line of education are exactly the same. I hate to sound like I'm blaming something, but that kind of education did me no good. I'm one of the identical products and lack a shouting soul.
I know i sound very negatively cynic and offensive. Sorry. But again, I love your essay. The decision's yours, pork king.
@ Anally, I have no idea what you are saying and furthermore if you wanted to be yourself, why are you asking for your essay to be critiqued here? You should just submit as is without needing feedback from anyone. @ Premed. The essay is just not good. You should never display immaturity in a college application. Colleges cannot give you medicine to control your ADD. Write about something that you have passion about such as a sport, musical instrument, travel, anything really and then talk about the enlightenment that it brings you. If you use this current essay, you will flat out tell the admissions team "I am unfocused," and I promise you, they will believe you. -AAO
Hope this helps.
@admission2012,
Like i said before, I can't screw my college application, because it's knid of my only way out, and my quote wasn't aimed at you, it was aimed at "present the strongest you possible". So please don't mix them up. You're a great critic, if I were Premed, I would probably take your advice to shape a "likable personality", even if it's far-fetched. But it's what bumms me out, the application process that seeks "wholesome characters".
Any way... why listen to a 17-year-old bothered teenager...
@Premed
Good Luck!
I see the message you're trying to get across. You want them to see that you can't be pressured into being something you're not, which is great. But a better way to illustrate that is showing how your fantasy world benefits you. Do you write actively? Does it help your speaking? Does it help you understand ideas in a way that others cannot?
@ Anally. Your assumptions are very wrong. What I try to do here is just guide students on how to improve "Their submitted essays," but ultimately, as you have said, the decision is theirs to make. I was an admissions officer at an Ivy League University for a few years and I can tell you that I read every type of essay. There is no norm that people must conform to. If you want to write about an off the wall topic go ahead and do so. But, as I have said, your essay should never paint you in a negative light. What Pre-med did with his/her essay was paint "himself" in a negative light. Everyone daydreams, everyone has lazy moments, but not everyone will write about that especially when applying to top programs. The point of these essays is to make yourself shine. How you do this is completely up to you. I once admitted a student that wrote a one sentence essay. He simply wrote :"I am the Sh*t and you need to admit me." I took a look at the rest of his application and he was correct and off to the admit pile his application went. My colleague also agreed and he was formally admitted. So no, there is not set conformity other than making sure you wow the admissions team. This can be done with one sentence or 10 pages, but never should you make that message to us overly negative. -AAO
Hope this helps.
