Undergraduate / I'm fairly clumsy; Letter to a Future Roommate for Stanford [4]


You can probably cut down on this sentence a little.

Or cut down on all of it a lot actually.
If you use really succinct bullet points it'd be really effective and you'd be able to make it really fun, too

something along the lines of

*I'm somewhat clumsy (taekwondo line)
*Once I ran around nananana line and my face made close contacnt with a corner of a table
*such close contact that i had to go to the ER but i wasn't scared, more curious

you get the idea, right? Its well written though so you could always just try cutting down the microbiology part.

Undergraduate / Sibling insecurity and much more -Common App/ Application essay [13]


18 years after what?


doesn't really paitn a pretty picture


you can just say boys


thought I was the defective


don't end on such an angry note. You don't have any concrete evidence of them thinking you werent good enough in the essay. This just ends on a really nasty note that makes you look bitter and just not an enjoyable person. So end happier, or prove your parents don't view you as equal.

Undergraduate / Corrupt government officials & Power crazy politicians; Columbia Application [6]


Not the best way to start it off, kind convoluted.


make sure you use a dash. Also, maybe add another thing? a list of two seems a bit weak. You can get rid of this part if you want to, as the last person suggested but it gives a nice background and a bit of contrast.

Maybe instead of so much "i read" plhrase it in some other way. You use a lot of cliched language, "fast forward" "invoked a passion"


since you're talking about a web, use another word more connected to web. being built on? expanded? changed? evolving is okay but you can make it sound nice and more connected with the right choice of words

Undergraduate / Champions are made from something they have deep inside them: Personal Statement [6]


this is really confusing and really distracting, try to reword it to make it clearer, it's a good place to start your story.

This is a bit of an overused idea: love art, told it's not practical, doubt ability, leave art, realize it's your passion and that you'll pursue it no matter what. I mean, if you really paint a picture you can really pull it off and make it really captivating but so far no picture is really painted.

Use more descriptive language, throw in names of colors, shades, describe your early pieces and how they've improved. Pick one moment and paint it out for the reader with words.

Undergraduate / Common app essay: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence. True Friend [8]

I like it a lot. Though you say you can't remember what year you met him but then you mention your exact age. It's a little distracting.

The "one hell of an ugly kid" is humorous and I enjoy it but some colleges really shy away from any kind of "cursing."