jingzhao
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / Common app essay-The value of education Stanford Supplement #3- What I learned matter [2]
My mentor always told me that details were what made an essay come to life for the readers, so I think more details would make your points much stronger.
About your common app essay:
"I witnessed how my students experienced the same hardships my grandfather experienced to get an education. These students worked to support their families and to pay for school, a daily grind that pays dividends eventually, but is grueling the entire time."
~> I think you could change these sentences a bit. Some examples of your students who worked hard will illustrate your point. What is the name of a student? What did he do to earn money? What time did he start working? How many people were there in his family? What did he say to you about his desire for knowledge?
"Seeing the limited educational opportunities that exist in developing countries like Pakistan and Kenya empowers me and gives me a sense of obligation to embrace the rest of my educational opportunities."
~~> You should spend more words on how you feel about those students. Did you feel sad? Did you hurt? What are your educational opportunities?
"My students in Kenya went through many daily struggles outside of the classroom to attain an education, and in some cases to survive. Many were sick, physically abused, or hungry, but even with all those negative circumstances they remained focused and learned the curriculum. These brave and tough kids had unlimited potential, but few resources to help them realize it. I have just as much potential as the young Kenyans, but my resources are incredible; I just had not used them very well in the past. "
~~> I think you repeated yourself a little bit here. My suggestion is the same as above. Maybe you could merge this part with the previous paragraph. Anyway the most important thing is adding details.
Regarding your amazing diet, you could impress the reader by mentioning your feeling. Were you hungry? How did you feel? Describe your process of realizing your abilities. After you returned, did your family realize you had changed?
About your Stanford supplement:
"Right then I made a conscious decision to reject despondency from my life; I made the most of the second semester of my junior year by learning from my shortcomings instead of complaining about them. Although I had this epiphany late in my high school career, I still have the rest of my life to apply the lesson I learned."
~~> Although you haven't applied the lesson much, you shouldn't just promise. You could add some details about your recent efforts. The efforts may be small, but at least they show your willingness to change.
Since I'm not a native speaker, I can't say anything about your style and vocab and so on. I hope my suggestions could help you add some nice details into your essay.
Could you spend some time reading and revising my supplement essay, please? Thank you.
My mentor always told me that details were what made an essay come to life for the readers, so I think more details would make your points much stronger.
About your common app essay:
"I witnessed how my students experienced the same hardships my grandfather experienced to get an education. These students worked to support their families and to pay for school, a daily grind that pays dividends eventually, but is grueling the entire time."
~> I think you could change these sentences a bit. Some examples of your students who worked hard will illustrate your point. What is the name of a student? What did he do to earn money? What time did he start working? How many people were there in his family? What did he say to you about his desire for knowledge?
"Seeing the limited educational opportunities that exist in developing countries like Pakistan and Kenya empowers me and gives me a sense of obligation to embrace the rest of my educational opportunities."
~~> You should spend more words on how you feel about those students. Did you feel sad? Did you hurt? What are your educational opportunities?
"My students in Kenya went through many daily struggles outside of the classroom to attain an education, and in some cases to survive. Many were sick, physically abused, or hungry, but even with all those negative circumstances they remained focused and learned the curriculum. These brave and tough kids had unlimited potential, but few resources to help them realize it. I have just as much potential as the young Kenyans, but my resources are incredible; I just had not used them very well in the past. "
~~> I think you repeated yourself a little bit here. My suggestion is the same as above. Maybe you could merge this part with the previous paragraph. Anyway the most important thing is adding details.
Regarding your amazing diet, you could impress the reader by mentioning your feeling. Were you hungry? How did you feel? Describe your process of realizing your abilities. After you returned, did your family realize you had changed?
About your Stanford supplement:
"Right then I made a conscious decision to reject despondency from my life; I made the most of the second semester of my junior year by learning from my shortcomings instead of complaining about them. Although I had this epiphany late in my high school career, I still have the rest of my life to apply the lesson I learned."
~~> Although you haven't applied the lesson much, you shouldn't just promise. You could add some details about your recent efforts. The efforts may be small, but at least they show your willingness to change.
Since I'm not a native speaker, I can't say anything about your style and vocab and so on. I hope my suggestions could help you add some nice details into your essay.
Could you spend some time reading and revising my supplement essay, please? Thank you.
