Posts by dimoffd

dimoffd

Dec 20, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App/ Why Colby? the one place that most spoke to my interests [2]

In the manner of grammar, you're doing quite fine. Here's a few things that I would consider changing:

- Your first sentence didn't give me much interest in your essay. I read the first sentence and told myself "well this is going to be boring." The body of your essay seems completely fine to me, and I did enjoy reading it, but you may want to reconsider your introduction sentence.

- I'm also feeling a bit iffy with your final paragraph. Using transitions is good, but "In conclusion" and "Finally" have always seemed like rather boring ones to me. Your conclusion overall seems a bit too standard, and the goal is to stand out from all of the other people. Feel free to modify my version in any way you'd like, that way it's your words and not mine, but here's what I put together that you may be able to work off of:

"As a result of the events in my life, leadership has quickly become my primary goal. I am extremely interested in pursuing and developing all of the skills required to reach this goal, and Colby will give me an excellent opportunity for that."

- Also, I did spot one small grammar error:

"I am also impressed by Colby's Jan plan, and it's environmental studies." Take the comma out, as the "and" isn't being used as a sentence combiner, it's simply saying Object 1 + Object 2. With the comparison of only two objects, the comma doesn't belong.

Hope that helped!

dimoffd

Dec 20, 2012

Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon University Essay - My Reason for Choosing this School [4]

serdarovez

Thanks, I will keep that in mind and work on that

alecblumenfeld

Thanks for the input. I wasn't trying to use the PokĂŠmon stuff as a filler, I just sat down and wrote it, as I do most things. I tried to be creative about it, but I'm uncertain if the whole PokĂŠmon idea is going to get me very far. Do you think I should ditch the PokĂŠmon completely and rewrite it differently?

dimoffd

Dec 19, 2012

Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon University Essay - My Reason for Choosing this School [4]

"Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay." Once I finished writing my response to this, I really wasn't sure whether or not I took a step in the completely wrong direction. I tried to be creative about it, so I'm looking for some feedback to see if this is any good. My response is as follows:

My path to discovering my interest in computers primarily started off with a well-known video game series called Pokemon. While playing outside was fun from time to time, technology was much more alluring to me. Playing the original Pokemon games on the Gameboy Color late at night when my mother expected me to be sound asleep was my favorite crime. I always thought of the people I knew as different Pokemon, and I often looked at the different ways they could evolve. I thought of myself as a Magikarp, which is a simple fish animal that is often considered to be the "worst" Pokemon. The catch to a Magikarp, though, is that through a lot of training, it becomes something enormously powerful - a Gyarados. I still see myself as a Magikarp, maybe not the silly kind that just flails around without thought, but the kind that can leap over mountains with a powerful splash. Regardless of that, I'm still just a Magikarp. I still have that big goal that I'm aiming for, because I still have a lot to learn in order to evolve. I'm ready to stop being a small red fish and become a big, blue dragon. I started off with the disadvantage of having low stats and poor moves, but I'm ready to work my way up to be able to tackle any opponent that stands ahead of me.

When I visited Carnegie Mellon's campus, I saw a lopsided pole with people walking on it, and the first thought that came to my mind was that that was a giant Gyarados. It takes a ton of work for a Magikarp to evolve, and Carnegie Mellon offers me the challenge that I need to take up to become something more than a little fish. In order to learn how to use the move Hyper Beam, I'll have to learn to endure it myself. Carnegie Mellon is shooting that Hyper Beam at me, and I'm ready to take the hit. I want to take the hit, and I want to fight it back. In order to withstand that Hyper Beam, I'll have to conquer everything else that Carnegie Mellon throws at me, and the motivation of a Magikarp is not to be underestimated.