Posts by eddiemaini

eddiemaini

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / hard work and dedication/ UVA Sup - World you come from [9]

Thanks a lot for the feedback!

Any other opinions/? Please be harsh and blunt in your feedback!

eddiemaini

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / hard work and dedication/ UVA Sup - World you come from [9]

BUMP! Any other feedback?

eddiemaini

Dec 30, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS: work on a presentation right away or wait until you have a good idea. [4]

I like the straight-forwardness with which you approached the prompt, and I think you gave excellent support to backup your claims. It wasn't an "out of the world" essay, but it wasn't bad either. Just my opinion :)

Good Luck!

eddiemaini

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / "Challenge" ; UVA Sup/ favorite word and why? [5]

I really, REALLY like your writing style and how you organized your essay.

However, soon I started to realize that the transitions indeed equipped me with superior flexibility, and the diverse people I met and experiences I had garnered for me a unique perspective.

This is really the only time when you express WHY challenge is your favorite word before dwelling into your current upcoming challenge of going to college. Have another sentence of two of why you liked challenge in your childhood and you will be golden.

Good Luck! Give some feedback on mine! :)

eddiemaini

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / hard work and dedication/ UVA Sup - World you come from [9]

Thanks for the feedback!

If it's genuine enough then it's not cliche.

I am glad you liked my essay. By cliche, I was referring to the numerous immigration essays that college admission officers receive every year.

"As I sought the complications of engaging in a conversation with the Vietnamese girl next to me,"
your essay never makes clear where exactly you and your parents immigrated from. Is it Vietnam? This is kind of confusing. Since this is an essay about "the world you come from", you should at least state your country of origin.

No this was just my attempt at describing the ESOL class I was in, which had people from all around the world. Does this sound better?

My parents have always taught me that through hard work and dedication to education, anything is possible. As I sat surrounded by a blonde guy from Germany and a short girl from Vietnam, I heard the instructor announce my name in front of the classroom, "Adi Maini! Congratulations, you passed the quarterly ESOL* exam!

Also, I changed:
but they came here anyway because they realized that this country could provide opportunities for me that were non-existent in my home country of India

So to answer your question, I immigrated from India. :)

Do you think the first two sentences of my essay transition well?

eddiemaini

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / hard work and dedication/ UVA Sup - World you come from [9]

BUMP! Really need help!

eddiemaini

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / hard work and dedication/ UVA Sup - World you come from [9]

My main concern is that I sound cliche. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Here it goes:

PROMPT: Describe the world you come from and how it has affected you.

My parents have always taught me that through hard work and dedication to education, anything is possible. As I sought the complications of engaging in a conversation with the Vietnamese girl next to me, I heard the instructor announce my name in front of the classroom, "[My name]! Congratulations, you passed the quarterly ESOL* exam! You will be with Ms. Palermo's 8th grade English class starting next week." Going home that day, I could not wait to share the good news with my parents. They would be ecstatic to hear that I was learning English so quickly, especially since they had not been able to devote as much attention to my academics as they had in the past since they each started working two jobs. However when I got home, I realized that my parents' shift did not end until 11 P.M. And so like most days, I was alone at home eating frozen food for lunch.

That evening, while doing my homework in our family's small apartment porch, I had an epiphany. I realized that my parents had sacrificed themselves in pursuit of a better future for me. They knew that they would have to work tirelessly day and night when they immigrated here, but they came here anyway because they realized that this country could provide opportunities for me that that our home country could not provide. At that moment, I decided that I had to make the most of this opportunity and fulfill their dream of me becoming someone significant in life. That year, I took two honors classes and moved from ESOL English to regular English. By next year, I was taking all honors classes. My development academically is a testament to the hard work and dedication that I have devoted thanks to the lessons of my parents.

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-Adi M.