Undergraduate / 'Boring Utah' - USC Extra-curricular Activity- South Jordan Youth Council [2]

You need some kind of introduction for this quote. You cannot simply just place a quote at the beginning of your paragraph and expect the readers to connect it to your essay. Start with something along the lines of: I used to believe that...

Tone: There really isn't a tone that stands out from this essay. I do sense some sassiness and sarcasm when you mention how running on a rainy day at 5 in the morning is anything but enjoyable, which I personally find somewhat comical in a good way. There are a few cliche phrases here and there that make it seem as if you are trying too hard to sound enthusiastic towards this extra-curricular. I don't sense an obvious "IN YOUR FACE" kind of tone if you know what I mean. Your tone just sounds a little too serious, with the exception of the last few sentences. This paragraph sounds good, but it doesn't stand out enough to make it memorable. Have fun with this supplement. Write about you enjoy about the South Jordan Youth Council instead about just one experience. Do you feed the homeless? Throw slumber parties so that you can grow deeper bonds with your peers?

Word choice: Thank you for not overusing flowerly, superfluous long words. Your word choice reveals what you want to say in a straight to the point kind of way, which I personally like. However, it does seem kind of flat in that I do not detect a strong enthusiasm for what you do, but that is part of your overall tone in general.

Good luck with your college apps!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - I love taking things apart [2]

Comments: You did a good job explaining why your talent is valuable to yourself and did a good descriptive explanation on how you developed your talent, but you don't necessarily explain how you plan to apply those talents in the future. You explained a little on how it fed your curiosity to learn more, but that's about it. Your essay is pretty good as it answers the prompt well, but if you wish to take it to the next step, you can explain and specify how you want to cultivate your interest in computers in college. For example, maybe you want to major in engineering, plan to explore in technology-based courses, or be a part of the robotics team. You also only mentioned how you fostered your interest in technology in childhood. Have you challenged yourself to learn more about computers in high school? Are you part of your school's robotics team? Did you take AP Computer Science in high school? Mentioning how your childhood experiences connect to your interest is good, but it is more preferable if you relate your interest closest to the present day as possible. Colleges want to see whether you still hold those interests and how you still carry out your interest in computers. Most of all, they want to know what you will bring to their campus. Due to your interest and curiosity, what will you be a part of in college? The tech crew for theater? Looking for internships at Google or Apple? I hope these edits and advices help. Good luck with the college admission process.

Scholarship / I'm a 4th year student in Microbiology; Motivational letter for phd scholarship [3]

Your motivational letter definitely shows your strong desire for the phd scholarship. If possible, I would avoid using abbreviations as it makes your letter seem unprofessional. For example, using cGPA is fine, but I have no idea what Cv is. Anyways, here are the corrections needed to be made for your letter:

Dear sirTo whom this may concern:

The purpose of my letter to you is for obtaining a phD position in yourresearchyour research group. I am currently studying atin my 4th year in studying Microbiology at (university). My total current cGPA of my 3 years at (university) is 3.90.

During my 4 year course, I was able to learn about many biological subjects, such as (a. b. c. d), and I am happy to inform you that got A+ in all those subjects. (Specify any projects/research papers you did that would be appealing to the research group you work for. Also, add in certain qualities that stand out. For example, talk about how you work well in groups and any leadership qualities you have. Having good grades isn't enough. You need to have the qualities necessary to appeal to the group.)

I will be very blessed if I get the oppurtunitythis opportunity to work under you. From your university website, I learntlearned about your research topics and your work on ( eeeee) seems very interesting to me. If you do not have any problemmind,willwould you please send me some of your research papers on thisthese topics( eeeee)?

Recently, I am doing a project under my professor on (eeeee) so I thinkbelieve I willwould be a good choice for your research group. (Explain why doing the project will make you a good candidate. For example, the skills you develop such as so and so and the knowledge on so and so would make you a good contribution to the research team.)

I enclose my Cv with this letter for further information. Thank you for your cosiderationtime and consideration . I will be waiting eor your hearingwill call you in one week to hear your reply .

with rspectSincerely,

Xxxxx

I changed the last paragraph a bit because it is your responsibility to follow up unless the internship/job description specifically states no phone calls or email follow up. If emailing your documents, follow-up is usually 24 - 48 hours; if sending documents by mail, follow up is usually in one week. Good luck getting into that research group!

Writing Feedback / Execution of criminals; Capital punishment is necessary to control violence [4]

Great essay! It was filled with good logos and addresses the counterargument well. Ironically, I also did a research paper on the death penalty, but I addressed the other side of your point of view.

This is just a personal opinion, but avoid adding drug dealers as one of those deserving capital punishment. There are children, high school students, out there who are drug dealers. The fact that they can be tried as adults and can be sentenced to life in prison is bad enough, but be sentenced to death too? That is a little extreme, especially for children who are influenced by a bad environment to make such bad choices. Anyways, in regards to your essay, if possible, avoid writing stuff like "I can confidently say" before your argument because it seems weak for such a controversial argument. If you write it in general terms, it will make your argument stronger as it seems many people back your argument. The prompt asks "to what extent do you agree/disagree" and in your essay, this part of the prompt was addressed in one sentence. Perhaps you could explain more why this punishment should be applied only to certain criminals. Also, if you don't know what a hook is, it is a sentence that grabs the readers' attention immediately once they read it. It makes the reader want to read your essay. You can use a famous quote, a small anecdote, or a series of rhetorical questions that make the reader think about the topic at hand. Other than that, that was a thoughtful, nicely written essay. :)