Posts by denis

denis_as

Mar 31, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, topic: Students from rural areas should get a subsidized university educ [3]

Hello Rajeshpaul,

Although I'm neither a native speaker nor an IELTS teacher, I've decided to check your essay as I'm also preparing for the IELTS exam.

Providing higher education to students who are coming (come) from rural areas is a challenging (not sure if this words makes a right collocation with "issue") issue. It has been suggested that government should subsidize their (the) university education. While the proposal has a number of positive sides, it has its ~~own~~ drawbacks too. In this essay, I will examine both the advantages and disadvantages of the proposal and then I will give my opinion. (You'd better avoid such phrases as they do not simply make sense: you do nothing but paraphrase the task you are given).

There are a number of reasons why the suggestion has been made to provide a subsidized higher education to countryside students. The first argument is that if governments give these students access to subsidized tertiary education, the number of university students from rural areas will increase significantly. This is due to the fact (due to +n, due to the fact simply shows you are avoiding "because" in order to sound more academic) that a good (high) number of rural students cannot get into tertiary education because they do not have sufficient funding. A good illustration of this is that as a student from rural area, I was able to get my university degree because my government provided me a tuition fee scholarship. Another point is that if we produce more university graduates by providing easier access to higher education for rural area students, our economy will be benefitted (benefit, your form is awkward) from that.

On the other hand, there are a number (you repeat this construction too often; try to think of other ways to say it) of drawbacks to (regarding) providing subsidized tertiary education to rural area students. The first one is that this will disadvantage the urban area students. Second one is that government has more important areas such as health and these areas need more funding. Therefore, tax ~~payer's~~ payers' money will be better spent in those areas. For example, government hospitals in Bangladesh cannot accommodate half of their patients and most of the ~~remaining~~ patients do not get any treatment.

While there are strong arguments on both sides of the case, my personal belief is that the policy should vary for the government of each country based on their economic conditions. I suggest that richer countries should subsidize the higher education for rural area students(,) whereas developing countries should prioritize health sector over subsidized higher education for rural students.

Overall, your essay is good. What it really lacks is factual base (examples). Because of it, it is pretty abstract. Also, I'd rather you paraphrased your ideas as sometimes they are repeated for several times. I'm not a specialist really, but I think this essay is worth 6 band score.

denis_as

Mar 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / We are rational individuals and our lives should be driven rather by reason than immediate instincts [8]

Thanks all for your contribution!

Dumi, I' go along with you here... You see, it was the first IELTS essay I wrote without any preparation. I have just watched some videos aimed at helping students write their essays correctly, and there the same idea was expressed. I compeletely agree with you regarding examples - the writing should be based on facts rather than on opinions. Sure, I'll keep practising, especially I'm going to focus on brainstroming (since the examples are mandatory), and soon I'm planning to write one more essay, trying to following your advice.

Redtape, as far as I understood, you have to state your opinion clearly in the introduction. However, you should explain it only in the summary, paraphrasing the ideas you have mentioned in the main body.

denis_as

Mar 28, 2013

Writing Feedback / We are rational individuals and our lives should be driven rather by reason than immediate instincts [8]

Ooops, my bad: Thus, individuals who ~~do not~~ understand it never avoid the chance to try something new even if it might seem to a certain extent dangerous or impossible.

denis_as

Mar 28, 2013

Writing Feedback / We are rational individuals and our lives should be driven rather by reason than immediate instincts [8]

IELTS Writing Task 2; How people perceive Change?

Hello!

I'm a non-native English speaker, and, despite the fact I consider my English level to be pretty high (actually, it's C1), I would kindly ask you to be patient and friendly (still, if I make mistakes - do not hesitate to draw my attention to them!). Well, I'm writing here as I need some assistance, preferably from native speakers and IELTS teachers. I'm planning to take the IELTS in one-two years' time, but I have decided to start preparing for it as early as possible, so I'm already doing some tasks in order to get acquainted with the specificity of the exam as well as train some essential skills for it.

You see, the problem is that I'm a student of humanities, so sometimes I might be unreasonably verbose and pretty abstract. Probably, this is the main reason why I cannot evaluate my writings objectively. I just got used to writing long papers, including there as many words as possible, while the ideal IELTS writing should be precise and concise.

I'd be truly grateful if somebody could read and correct my essay as well as write a short comment on my weak points. You can find the essay below.

Write about the following topic:
Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

In our globalized world, where the pace of life has increased dramatically, changes are unavoidable. While some people endeavor to minimize changes in their lives, others are eager to have new experiences. This issue is really a two-edged sword and the choice either to remain living without changes or try to change a life completely depends upon a person.

On the one hand, people should be aware of the fact that changes are inevitable. It is believed that people changing nothing in their lives foredoom themselves to stagnation as new experiences and impressions are mandatory for personal development. Thus, individuals who do not understand it never avoid the chance to try something new even if it might seem to a certain extent dangerous or impossible. In a nutshell, changes provide people with the opportunity to know themselves better as well as acquire new skills and priceless experience.

On the other hand, it is beyond doubt that changes do not always lead to success. There are numerous examples in which people pursuing new experiences have lost everything they had before. This is especially common among teenagers who do not value their present posessions and driven by the desire to change their lives completely end up with nothing. This example obviously illustrates the statement that sometimes changes may cause negative effect.

To conclude, I am strongly convinced that we are rational individuals and our lives should be driven rather by reason than immediate instincts. Never should people sacrifice their present lives unless they are completely certain they will only benefit from it.

I know that my essay is too abstract, that's why I've tried to make it "more real" (adding the example with teenagers which, frankly speaking, sounds silly to me ). Anyway, I'm truly interested in your comments and remarks. By the way, it was written in 25 minutes.

Thanks in advance!