Writing Feedback / IELTS: Arranged Marriage vs Love Marraige / Discuss both systems [2]

Hi Lady Elle,

I think the below essay need minor correction which I have highlighted below. In my opinion instead of using connective like first , second and third, you can use connective likes Moreover, Furthermore, In addition to.. which will give more value to your essay. Other thing which i think that is missing is the essay structure. Frankly speaking while reading the above essay i thought someone has written some story. If you follow structure your essay will attract more attention. You can follow ''TEEE''.

One for Arranged marriage
Topic sentence
Example used connective word like For example, For instance, This can be illustrated by the below example...
Explanation
Extension

One for Love marriage
Topic sentence
Example used connective word like For example, For instance, This can be illustrated by the below example...
Explanation
Extension

If you are in favor in one of them , then add one more TEEE for that side. Suppose if you think
Love marriage is better than arranged marriage then add one more paragraph ...

One more for Love marriage
Topic sentence
Example used connective word like For example, For instance, This can be illustrated by the below example...
Explanation
Extension

In conclusion is common word show different variety of word which will show you know different word and have command over English language.

To recapitulate or In nut shell or To summarize..

Provide your opinion clearly in conclusion especially in discussion type of essay...

Thanks
Davesh

Research Papers / Death Penalty (Research Paper); Introduction sentence [4]

Hi there,

I can help you to write intro sentence on the topic Capital punishment should be allowed.

For example the terrorist attack in India on Mumbai thousands of life where killed by terrorist.
The person who killed this many people can not be sentence to life time imprisonment.
It could be potential danger to our society and community. To prevent this danger and It is advisable to
give them capital punishment. Moreover, there will be no chances of improvement for this criminals.

Recent issue on brutal gang rape case in Delhi. I think death penalty is the one way to avoid such issue in future.

Regards
Davesh

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Government should pay for the medical care [2]

Hi there

After reviewing your essay, i like to advise you that, while you are writing agree or disagree type of essay.
You need to at least one small paragraph stating some people disagree with this fact.

Nevertheless, some people has different opinion that government should pay for the medical care for elderly people, who has no source of income.It is government responsibility to help them by providing medical facility and take better care of aged people.

This way you will answer more appropriately to the question.

Furthermore , It is better to use connective such as To begin with instead of First of all as you have used in your first paragraph.

Regards
Davesh

Research Papers / Thesis statment for globalization Issues [5]

Hi there

Not sure if the below attachment can help you. But better try reading you might get some good information.
Not able to upload file due to size issue. You can get information from Google..

Regards
Davesh

Writing Feedback / Claim: Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support [2]

Hi Santosh,

One common mistake, I can highlight to you is avoid usage of same word in your essay.
To show fluency in English language, you need to used different word to convey your meaning in more efficient way.
Instead of using They ...5 times better use connective word to link you idea in better way..

Regards
Davash

Writing Feedback / Businesses need to give more opportunities to diverse workers [4]

Hi Xiaokai Jin

It is advisable not to ask any question in the introduction paragraph of an essay.

Which approach will facilitate corporations to make a fortune?...

Missing usage of connective words such as

For example , For an instance ,...On the other hands, To begin with, In addition to , Furthermore...

Avoid usage of he , if you need to use , It is recommended to write He or She to avoid any issue ....

Regards
Davesh

Writing Feedback / Focusing on sports facilities is a very narrow approach and would not achieve the desired results. [3]

Hi there

I agree this essay is well structured but i found some common mistake in your essay missing 'Connective word' .
Other issue i have found is you are repeating word For example ''There is '' and ''My''.
It is recommended to avoid using me ,my , you , your...

My essay will look at the pros and the cons of both options and present my personal recommendation
You can write .... This essay will look at the pros and cons of both options and present my personal recommendation...

There is no doubt that

You can write .. It is no doubt that...or It is obvious that

To begin with, There is a strong argument i

However, better ways

By way of conclusion, ...==> . From the above evidence it can be concluded..

Regards
Devesh