Writing Feedback / Young people nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communites.TOEFL ESSAY [7]

Topic:
Do you agree or disagree with this statement: The young people nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communities.
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When it comes to the question what the roles of young people are, someone claims that the young nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communities. However, i totally oppose this opinion because it has never been like this era in which the young are playing cruel roles in their communities throughout the world.

They are first contributing to global revolution via their achievements in technology. As an example, Mark Lukerberg has created facebook that is arguably viewed as a cause of social revolution when he was in his twenty-eights. Facebook, google are technological achievements that are changing our life, our society and their inventors deserve to be named as the young great mans for their contributions to our communities.

On another hand, a variety of youngsters are doing their best to preserve and improve traditional intangible values such as folk music and old dance styles. In Vietnam, for instance, a non-government organization run by Le Tri Viet who is only thirty two years old is helping reserve and populate Quanho, a kind of Vietnamese folk song that is recognized as one of the world's intangible heritage by UNESCO.

What is more, give that many young leaders are fighting for environmental and wild animals preservation all over the world. We can see them sacrificing their age to help protect our environment via media such as discovery channel. I have seen a young woman environmentalist who has been living in a separated island in The East Ocean for over five years. She is on her researches on negative impacts of environmental changes on sea animals to do call for immediate protection methods from Vietnamese government.

In short, young people have been actively participating in every aspect of their communities including technological innovation, social development and environmental reservation. It is safe to say that they are a dispensable force accounting for our global development by their indisputable time and devotion.

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I am a freshman, please help me correct the above essay. Thanks.