Young people nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communites.TOEFL ESSAY

Topic:
Do you agree or disagree with this statement: The young people nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communities.
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When it comes to the question what the roles of young people are, someone claims that the young nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communities. However, i totally oppose this opinion because it has never been like this era in which the young are playing cruel roles in their communities throughout the world.

They are first contributing to global revolution via their achievements in technology. As an example, Mark Lukerberg has created facebook that is arguably viewed as a cause of social revolution when he was in his twenty-eights. Facebook, google are technological achievements that are changing our life, our society and their inventors deserve to be named as the young great mans for their contributions to our communities.

On another hand, a variety of youngsters are doing their best to preserve and improve traditional intangible values such as folk music and old dance styles. In Vietnam, for instance, a non-government organization run by Le Tri Viet who is only thirty two years old is helping reserve and populate Quanho, a kind of Vietnamese folk song that is recognized as one of the world's intangible heritage by UNESCO.

What is more, give that many young leaders are fighting for environmental and wild animals preservation all over the world. We can see them sacrificing their age to help protect our environment via media such as discovery channel. I have seen a young woman environmentalist who has been living in a separated island in The East Ocean for over five years. She is on her researches on negative impacts of environmental changes on sea animals to do call for immediate protection methods from Vietnamese government.

In short, young people have been actively participating in every aspect of their communities including technological innovation, social development and environmental reservation. It is safe to say that they are a dispensable force accounting for our global development by their indisputable time and devotion.

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I am a freshman, please help me correct the above essay. Thanks.

.... cruel roles?... cruel means causing pain or suffering.... is that what you want to mean? I guess this word is inappropriately used in this sentence, isn't it so?


.... This guy is Mark Zukerberg.


... Personally, I don't agree with this idea. Evolution of technology took it's walk from previous generations. How about Eisenstein, Galileo, Newton and other great scientists? Didn't these people revolutionized the world with their scientific and technologically advanced inventions?

How is my overall essay? Could you please give me some evaluation of my essay in the scale of 4?

Thank you moderator.

You have a great potential to improve your writing skills and go for what ever score you wish :) .... I did TOEFL and managed to secure a very good score by following this essay structure.

Thank you, mr/ms Dumi. This is really encouraging.
The two examples that you recommended me are all very well-organized and impressive. I will keep moving.

.... this should be; On the other hand


.... you may be talking about the youngsters in your country who contributes to preserve traditional art forms. Better describe it a bit more for the reader to understand;

On the other hand, youngsters today do engage in various community projects that have a great value to our society. For example, many youth in my country, Vietnam, contribute their best to preserve our traditional music and dancing forms.


.... this is not very clear.... better re-phrase

it seems confusing