AshleyT23
May 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / Why Smoking should be Illegal? Opening paragraph [5]
You should either change the title to "Why People Shouldn't Smoke" or change the wording in the paragraph. You need to add some facts in there, all of these statements are your opinions which is not going to convince people not to smoke. and other illegal drugs . I don't know what exactly you mean by that. Are you saying that illegal drugs can cause second-hand smoke or smoking cigarretes can make you want to do illegal drugs?
Smoking is a really bad habit for you; you are putting your life/family and the environment at risk. Smoking cigarettes could cause second hand smokingand other illegal drugs. Watching people smoke disgusts me. It seems as though every time I go to the grocery store, gas station or a restaurant there is either customer or an employee smoking outside the door. Do you know how dangerous that is not only to you but to the people around you; second hand smoking is worse than regular smoking. If you smoke you could get lung disease and other medical problems. Do you really want to risk all of that? Do you really want to throw your whole life away just because of smoking? Smoking is really bad habit for you; you are putting your life/family and the environment at risk. Smoking cigarettes could cause second hand smokingand other illegal drugs.
Smoking isa really bad habit for youvery addicting, only 4%-7% smokers are able to quit smoking without medicines or other help.; Smoking is you arenot only putting your life in danger but your friends and family's life, as well.the environment at risk. Smoking cigarettes could cause second hand smokingand other illegal drugs. About 2,400 people die with lung cancer each year from second-hand smoking.
Facts:
About 4%-7% people are able to quit smoking without medicines or other help.
Tobaccoo contains over four thousand different chemicals.
Smoke related deaths happen to five people every six seconds.
Cigarette smoke is responsible for more deaths each year than ones caused by AIDS, alcohol, car accidents, cocaine, crack, heroin, fires, homicides, and suicides combined.
Second-hand smoke causes about 2,400 lung cancer deaths a year.
Smoking is related to about 419,000 deaths each year. More than 300 teens in the U.S. become smokers every day.
Cigarette smoking causes 75% of lung cancer cases among women, 85% among men, and 83% overall.
Source:
library.thinkquest. org/3230/facts.htm
eclecticsite. com/smoking.html (this is a website on how much money people spend on cigarettes)
(take out the space)
Key:
Same sentence twice
My opinions for corrections
I don't want to sit here and write a paper for you but that is how I would start it off. :)
You should either change the title to "Why People Shouldn't Smoke" or change the wording in the paragraph. You need to add some facts in there, all of these statements are your opinions which is not going to convince people not to smoke. and other illegal drugs . I don't know what exactly you mean by that. Are you saying that illegal drugs can cause second-hand smoke or smoking cigarretes can make you want to do illegal drugs?
Smoking is a really bad habit for you; you are putting your life/family and the environment at risk. Smoking cigarettes could cause second hand smokingand other illegal drugs. Watching people smoke disgusts me. It seems as though every time I go to the grocery store, gas station or a restaurant there is either customer or an employee smoking outside the door. Do you know how dangerous that is not only to you but to the people around you; second hand smoking is worse than regular smoking. If you smoke you could get lung disease and other medical problems. Do you really want to risk all of that? Do you really want to throw your whole life away just because of smoking? Smoking is really bad habit for you; you are putting your life/family and the environment at risk. Smoking cigarettes could cause second hand smokingand other illegal drugs.
Smoking is
Facts:
About 4%-7% people are able to quit smoking without medicines or other help.
Tobaccoo contains over four thousand different chemicals.
Smoke related deaths happen to five people every six seconds.
Cigarette smoke is responsible for more deaths each year than ones caused by AIDS, alcohol, car accidents, cocaine, crack, heroin, fires, homicides, and suicides combined.
Second-hand smoke causes about 2,400 lung cancer deaths a year.
Smoking is related to about 419,000 deaths each year. More than 300 teens in the U.S. become smokers every day.
Cigarette smoking causes 75% of lung cancer cases among women, 85% among men, and 83% overall.
Source:
library.thinkquest. org/3230/facts.htm
eclecticsite. com/smoking.html (this is a website on how much money people spend on cigarettes)
(take out the space)
Key:
Same sentence twice
My opinions for corrections
I don't want to sit here and write a paper for you but that is how I would start it off. :)