Writing Feedback / What's more influencial on child's development? Family influence or Other factors? [6]

hi, i'm a newbie here, i really want to join the page to improve my writing skill . thanks a lot :3
here is the topic :
Topic: Some people think that families have the most powerful infuence on child's development while others think other factors such as television, friend, music, etc. have biggest effects. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

here is my essay
Many people have been staggered by the question about the factor which has the greatest influence on a child's development. Some people believed that families are the answers, but a number of people think that other factors such as friends, TV, etc have the most influence on a child's development. This essay will describe the writer's viewpoint and opinion on both opinions.

It cannot be denied the role of families, especially parents on children's development as parents take shape the child's personalities and growth. Thus, the children will become fragile and be easily affected by bad habits if they lack of care from their parents. Families also are the guidance for the child when they are young. A child in one or two years old is taught speaking and using the basic things. As they grow older, the fundamental social behaviors are needed to acknowledge.

Beside the effect of families on the children's development, the influence of friends, TV, game, etc, however, is also powerful because they affect the behavior and health of the child. For instance, if a child plays a game or watch a movie which contains violent and bad language, they can easily develop a violent characteristic, moreover, their health can be harmed if they play, or watch too much. What is more, not until children reached the school age did the matter of friends be the powerful influence factor on children. If they play with good friends, they will become good. If not, they will be bad.

To sum up, the effect of families and other factors on children's development are equal according to my opinion. The children are always contact to the factors of game, friends, TV, etc. they will be harmed unless they know the right things and know how to control the behavior toward this. It is the parent's duty to teach their children about what is right, and what is wrong.

(319 words )

i looking forward to hearing the feedback from you !!! :3 ... once again, thanks alot :3