Undergraduate / (Hardships / Family history / Institution / Qualities) - college essay remake [6]

If it wasn't for thenthem, I do not know where I would be.

"I do not know where I would be" doesn't sound right... I think it should be "I would not know where I would be" ?

Undergraduate / Supplemental application for UBC -- Passion, Bachelor of Science program [13]

I took out and changed a few things from the essay because of the word limit...
So here it is!

I was excited to place my hands for the first time onto a pair of contact lens, because I hated wearing my thick glasses. I hated how my glasses would fog up and I hated how I looked like a nerd. Trying on the contact lens, I was scared to touch my eye since it is such a delicate organ. But after minutes of fiddling, I was wearing my new pair of contact lens. From that day on, I was always fascinated in how the small plastic-looking contact lenses have such power to correct your eyesight. What amazed me more was the fact that contact lenses can even change your iris color. I did thorough research on Career Cruising during my Planning 10 class, and became increasingly interested in eye care. I believe that vision is the most important of our senses because it enables us to see the beautiful things in life. With UBC's outstanding reputation, I believe UBC will expand my knowledge and with this knowledge, I wish to improve human life globally. Being given the chance to be accepted into the Bachelor of Science program, I will be one step closer to obtaining my dream.

I was wondering if I should give more description of the first time I tried on the lens because it said to Describe and evaluate one experience? Or is this good enough?

Also there is an optional section that says:
Please include any additional information about yourself that you would like the Admissions Committee to consider when reviewing your application. (500 words max.)

I want to write something, but I'm not sure what to say because I've already mentioned my qualities and why I want to be an optometrist above.

Thank you !!

Writing Feedback / My father sacrificed alot in his lifetime ; Someone Who Has Influenced My Life [10]


I think you need a better hook in the beginning...

Undergraduate / Supplemental application for UBC -- Passion, Bachelor of Science program [13]

I've written another one...
I hope this one will be better.

Undergraduate / Supplemental application for UBC -- Passion, Bachelor of Science program [13]

I've changed it.
Once again, thank you very much for correcting my mistakes ><.

It amazes me, for example, how the small intestine fits in our body when it is seven meters long, and how our body regulates so many functions. The eye has always been fascinating to me. It is amazing how nearsightedness and farsightedness can be corrected by concave or convex lens. From a personal perspective, I always wore glasses as a child and became interested in eye care.My career goal is to become a successful optometrist. My passion gives rise to my willingness to learn and my determination to succeed will make me successful in the Bachelor of Science program.

Here's another part of my application...

Describe and evaluate one experience that significantly influenced your academic goals. (200 words max.)

When I was little, my family was extremely poor. We lived in an old house and there were even mice living under the same roof as me. I remember fondly how scared I was when I needed to go to the washroom or the fright I had when I was sitting on the floor playing video games with my brother. I can also recall the times when my parents, brother and I slept in the same room and how I slept on the floor with a sheet of blanket as my bed. My childhood was not the greatest. My mother worked long hours at Keefer Laundry and part time as a janitor at an office building in Downtown. Since I barely saw my parents, I only have a few childhood pictures of me in our photo album. My parents' hard work has significantly influenced my academic goals. I want to become a successful optometrist. I want to give my family a good life that they deserve. I do not want to see my father laying on the stairways anymore because he is too tired to walk up the stairs to his bed.

Undergraduate / Supplemental application for UBC -- Passion, Bachelor of Science program [13]

Thank you all for the help ! :D
I'll try to think of better qualities and examples.
As you can all tell... I'm a really bad writer ...

Sean: I honestly can't think of any qualities that would be more useful for me in sciences than fine arts... etc.