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My father sacrificed alot in his lifetime ; Someone Who Has Influenced My Life

I am writing an essay for my English class and keep getting an E what am i doin wrong?

In life you have many people who influence you. Some aare good influences and some are bad influences. Although, the one person who influenced my life most would have to be my father. My father sacrificed alot in his lifetime to make his children's lives better. I adore my father he is a strong confident man and loves his family unconditionally. I have become the person I am today because of my father.

My father was raised by his oldest brother. When my father was young his mother was sick and his father ran off. My fathers mother actually died in his arms when he was six years old. I could not even imagine having a traumatizing event like that in my life.. I would never have been as strong as my father was and has been. Dad grew up to join the army, in which he fought in the Vietnam War which was also a traumatizing event in his life. Dad still screams in the middle of the night from the events he experienced in that war. He married mother after that and had us children. In dad's eyes his family is number one his children come first before anything else. Father has taught me to respect people no matter what. Dad is a very special person in my life and always will be not just because he is my dad, because he is a special and strong person in my eyes.

Dad has always told me no matter what happens to you in life pick yourself up and keep going strong as you were. He says what don't hurt you makes you stronger. I believe there are no excuses in life to make you just give up and be lazy. You are what you make of your life no if, and, or buts. You can be who or whatever you want to be all you have to do is work hard toward your ambitions. Dad has broken his neck, hurt his back, and has had surgery on his knee. He still works hard everyday, at the age of 64 years old. I admire and respect my father for everything he has does and has done. I work hard at everything I do for the greatest reward at the end of all my accomplishments is making my father proud.

In conclusion, I am daddy's little girl and proud of that. I could not of asked for a better father. My dad has always been there for me and I wil always be there for him. I respect my father because he deserves to be. He stayed and was a father and never took the easy way out like in the world today most fathers do. I believe my father is the best at everything he does. He has been through so much in his life and still is a happy wonderful man; I would have been sad and depressed if I had to go through hald as much as my father. Dad is strong and looks ahead not behind, he always say the past is the past "always remember it but do not dwell on it" for you should dwell on the future that is what is most important.

First, you need to make your main point/thesis statment, so that your reader will know the point your claiming. It sounds as if you really appreciate the sacrifices your dad has made. Then introduce your dad, by name.

Title option (A Dads Enduring Love)
Apr 4, 2009   #4
In life you have many people who influence you.

I think you need a better hook in the beginning...
Apr 4, 2009   #5
At the moment, your essay's thesis is something along the lines of "My Dad's a wonderful person." However, it should probably be "My father has taught me to be _____, ______, and _____," with each of the blanks filled in with something appropriate. Then, you could dedicate a paragraph to explaining each attribute that you picked, demonstrating how you learned it with reference to specific anecdotes about your father. This would give you an essay with the correct structure that was clearly on topic, which should raise your grade considerably.
EF_KevinThreads: 8
Posts: 13,840
[Contributor] 129  
Apr 5, 2009   #6
Some are good influences and some are bad influences. Although The one person who influenced my life most would have to be my father.

Commas: In dad's eyes, his family is number one, and his children come first before anything else.

Yes, it deserves a better hook in the beginning.

Now, every paragraph is supposed to be a different thought. So, you wrote one paragraph about your dad's difficult life, and then another paragraph about how he influenced you. These need topic sentences. At the start of para #2 write a topic sentence that tells the reader something like, "My Dad became strong as a result of enduring adversity." At the start of paragraph #3 you could writ a sentence telling the reader that he passed on his values to you.

Do you know what I mean about the topic sentences? If you look at para #2 right now, it looks like you jump from one subject, how he was raised by his brother, to another subject, how is mom dies in his arms. If you add a good topic sentence to the beginning, it will NOT look like you are jumping from one subject to the next -- because all sentences will relate to that topic sentence about how he faced adversity.

Good luck improving your grade! Remember that topic sentences provide structure for paragraphs just like a thesis statement (usually at the end of the first para) provides structure for the whole essay.
Apr 8, 2009   #9
Great content,true and pure. but essay needs fixing. i think shupirate2013 must be touched.
Is this supposed to be a five paragraph essay, or a 4? For a standard, five paragraph essay, this is the simplified structure:

Paragraph one: Hooker, Thesis, 3 points. (For example, EF_Sean's "My father has taught me to be _____, ______, and _____,")

Paragraph two: Explain the first topic in your three points.

Paragraph three: Transition, then explain the second topic of your three points.

Paragraph Four: Transition, then explain the third topic of your three points.

Paragraph Five: Restate your thesis, summarize your three points, and reach a conclusion.

If you can do that, you will definitely get more than an E. Good luck!

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