sroa5
Sep 3, 2013
Undergraduate / When I was two and a half, my parents divorced; Story central to identity - Common App [2]
They lived together for twelve more years in a cycle: Peace. Tension. Argument. The "Blow-Up." Dad's disappearance. Then Mom's frantic search for Dad, leaving me and my younger brother alone to worry until her return.
This is good, but I would rephrase it so it says, "They lived together for twelve more years in a continuous cycle: peace, tension, argument, the big blow up, dad's disappearance, and lastly, mom's frantic search for dad. Her search was so frantic that it left my younger brother and I alone to worry until she returned.
This cycle took roughly two years to complete, segmented by domestic violence on account of my father and numerous, infrequent prison stays.
Each cycle took roughly two years to complete and they were segmented by domestic violence on account of my father and his numerous prison stays.
We sat outside of school inside my mom's car, her looking at me with a mixture of concern and firmness, me crying and clinging to my US History poster decorated with fabricated World War I-era newspaper clippings, which my group was relying on me to bring for the day's presentation.
We sat outside of school in my mom's car. She looked at me with a mixture of concern and firmness as I cried and clung to my US History poster decorated with fabricated World War I-era newspaper clippings. Despite the fact that my group was relying on me to bring it in for the day's presentation I was sitting in my mom's car mumbling, "I can't" through tears because my dad had left the previous night after a particularly heated argument.
You wrote a very eloquent piece that moved me even though I am a complete stranger. Take me advice or not, but it is a very good essay. Those are just the things I would do to make it run smoother. Also, you capitalize dad/mom in some parts and leave it lower case in others. Make sure you choose which one you want and stick with it.
They lived together for twelve more years in a cycle: Peace. Tension. Argument. The "Blow-Up." Dad's disappearance. Then Mom's frantic search for Dad, leaving me and my younger brother alone to worry until her return.
This is good, but I would rephrase it so it says, "They lived together for twelve more years in a continuous cycle: peace, tension, argument, the big blow up, dad's disappearance, and lastly, mom's frantic search for dad. Her search was so frantic that it left my younger brother and I alone to worry until she returned.
This cycle took roughly two years to complete, segmented by domestic violence on account of my father and numerous, infrequent prison stays.
Each cycle took roughly two years to complete and they were segmented by domestic violence on account of my father and his numerous prison stays.
We sat outside of school inside my mom's car, her looking at me with a mixture of concern and firmness, me crying and clinging to my US History poster decorated with fabricated World War I-era newspaper clippings, which my group was relying on me to bring for the day's presentation.
We sat outside of school in my mom's car. She looked at me with a mixture of concern and firmness as I cried and clung to my US History poster decorated with fabricated World War I-era newspaper clippings. Despite the fact that my group was relying on me to bring it in for the day's presentation I was sitting in my mom's car mumbling, "I can't" through tears because my dad had left the previous night after a particularly heated argument.
You wrote a very eloquent piece that moved me even though I am a complete stranger. Take me advice or not, but it is a very good essay. Those are just the things I would do to make it run smoother. Also, you capitalize dad/mom in some parts and leave it lower case in others. Make sure you choose which one you want and stick with it.
