I have just recently written my personal essay/statements for my UCF application. I am looking for some feedback on organization and word choices. The directions are as follows;
Essay: The personal statements are a very important part of your application. They assist the university in knowing you as an individual, independent of test scores and other objective data. We ask that you respond to two of the topics below. Your personal statement should be no longer than a total of 500 words or 7000 characters for both statements combined. The best personal statements are not necessarily the longest ones.
1. If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
2. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
3. Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
4. What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?
The topics that I picked were numbers one and four. So, here is my essay, and I'm open and grateful to any feedback or comments you may have. Thanks so much!
As I sat on the edge of the bed holding my grandfather's cold hand, I knew this was it. This was the moment we were dreading for months, and in the blink of an eye, it was over.
My grandfather had been battling lung cancer for most of the short time I knew him. Luckily for me, he was a very stubborn man who refused to endure chemotherapy, so I never saw the uncontrollable vomiting, the hair loss, or any of the other terrible side effects that come with the toxic therapy. Of course with any cancer, however, it was not a sight meant for the innocent eyes of a five year old child.
Watching the death of a family member at such a young age really stuck with me for a very long time. It instilled a desire in me that I never would have dreamed possible - to find a cure for cancer. I always knew from a young age that I wanted to follow my mother's footsteps and have a career in the medical field, and this event in my life really sealed that desire in my heart. I don't want another person to suffer through the effects that cancer can have on a family.
Despite the fact that this memory lingered in the darkest depths of my mind for years, I decided it was going to work toward my advantage. This has taught me to pick myself up after being in a ditch for so long, and to persevere, no matter what the circumstances may be.
I feel that because of what I learned, I can give so much to the UCF community. With a burning determination to make advancements in medical research, I can throw everything I have behind it, and help put the University of Central Florida on the map for a groundbreaking research facility.
In addition to my determination, a positive attitude and a smile shared can go a long way to a stranger who is having a bad day. In my experience, I feel that no day is a day to waste being unhappy about something; therefore I am always looking for the bright side of things. This positive aura around me will contribute to a great attitude around campus, in and outside of the classrooms, not only by me, but by the other students that I affect.
If I had the opportunity to be a student at the University of Central Florida, I would not take any chance to learn something new for granted, and would give everything I have to this amazing institution.
Luckily for me, he was a very stubborn man who refused to endure chemotherapy, so I never saw the uncontrollable...
I would break it up into two sentences so it said, "Luckily for me, he was a very stubborn man who refused to endure chemotherapy. So, I never saw the uncontrollable...
Of course with any cancer, however, it was not a sight meant for the innocent eyes of a five year old child.
This could run smoother. I would rephrase it so it said, "As with any type of cancer, it was not a sight meant for the innocent eyes of a five year old child."
Overall, your essay was very solid and a good read. I liked it a lot and it triggered my emotions. Great job!