Scholarship / The day that I never forget; Questbridge Significant Experience [3]

First off: you're a strong writer. Your first paragraph commands the reader's attention. The second paragraph lacks the clarity of the first. I feel essays like these actually have three parts: (1) recounting the event itself (2) evaluating its immediate impact and (3) evaluating its long-term impact. Try to distinguish between (2) and (3).

In your second paragraph, you say you "realized that you have to live your life to the fullest." Give me an example of that. When have you wanted to give up, but have refused to? Show me, instead of telling me.

It's perfectly fine for you to talk about how this has made you feel, but focus even more on what this has made you do and how this has made you you.

Undergraduate / My name is Aduraseyi. Multi-Faceted Personality/ Stanford Essay: ROOMMATE note [6]

This made me smile. The way you address the reader directly ("Yes, roommate, I am a nerd.") is just fun. You immediately open yourself up and make a strong impression. I'd make the last line as punchy as the rest of the letter. That's the last moment you get with the reader, so think: what do you want them to take away from your essay?

Undergraduate / "Look, it takes videos!" Common App Essay, How YouTube Changed My Life [3]

What a great topic you chose! Yes, it's still quite rough, but the content is great. You talk about how you express yourself and connect with like-minded people through an innovative and fresh medium. People love reading about experiences in essays like these that couldn't possibly be anyone else's but yours. I think you could dig a little deeper with this premise, and talk more about how exactly YouTube has bolstered your self-confidence.

The first half of this essay is completely descriptive. It shows that you are, in fact, really good storyteller (and it hooks audiences). You might want to spend some time bulking up the portion of the essay devoted to self-analysis and reflection. This is what colleges really want to see.

As far as the mechanics go, it just needs to be cleaned up a bit. Pay particular attention to sentence length. There's nothing wrong with short sentences. In fact, I'd replace every semicolon in here with a period.

All in all, you've given yourself a really great structure to work with. I love this essay already, and would love even more to see the final product.